Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[mmMekitty]

Hello amd, Ems & everyone

I've come to the opinion that 'near enough', & 'good enough' is enough. It means I accept a certain level of dissatisfaction with my writing. I used to paint, but can't anymore.

The visual representations of my world must remain the best I could do at the time. I can't make another attempt to do better with painting, photography, or drawing without accepting that I can't see to get the image I want to produce as accurately as I have in mind.

It feels so frustrating now, to be left with my writing, maybe my voice, (which I haven't explored much since I cannot sing as well as I once did). I think about sculpture, but am uncertain it is really the medium for me.  Music  remains a seemingly unattainable dream, because, maybe it's confidence, maybe feeling I can't get my hands & voice to work simultaneously. 

I sense so many limitations. 

I can edit this tonight, then look again & want to edit more, or think it's okay, but return another time & want to edit again.

I've done this with old poems, too, years later, going back & thinking, now, I could say that differently, or want to say something else, too... always, with a sense that what I do will not be the finished work anymore.

It will be 'good enough', which is good enough/ That's an idea I need to hang onto with both hands & to have a chuckle at my mistakes.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Good morning Kitty

The best thing about accepting what we perceive as good enough allows to later go back and edit what we are dissatisfied with at our leisure.   Thinking that we can always do better than we have done already tends to take something away from what we already have in front of us.   I wish I was more artistic and many times I have had the urge to paint in watercolours.   I never follow it up because I convince myself that I will never be any good.   I should change how I think because in this case anything is better than nothing and even if I paint a landscape for example, I will always be able to learn from my mistakes.   If you don't make mistakes, then it makes it harder to learn.   That's my opinion anyway.   Music is always a nice distraction.   Unfortunately, I cannot play any musical instruments.

Stay well

amd1953

[amd1953]

Good afternoon Ems

I find that I have to keep a notebook and pen handy these days to record everything that I have a tendency to forget.   Is it a sign of the ageing process?   Yes, I think it might well be.   Fortunately, I have no shortage of notebooks so it will not be a problem.   It's amazing how something I thought of an hour ago has now vanished into thin air as though it never existed.   Well yes, I know thoughts don't exist per se but you probably know what I mean.   The thing is to net them when they first make their presence known and then store them away somewhere safe.   I have a large cardboard box of old notebooks in the spare room.  At last count there were forty-eight of them.   I can't recall ever reading any of them and I have no way of indexing the contents.  However, if I lost them, I would be devastated because they could never be replaced.   I am considering using loose leaf binders instead of bound notebooks.   That way I can add more pages if I need them.   Sounds like a plan to me.   

I found some old photographs of the village I used to live in back in England on eBay.   I think there are three of them and I can't make up my mind whether to buy them or not.   If I did buy them, it would be something else to bring back the memories, good and bad.   I'm not sure whether I need that.   

I was looking through some old family photo albums last night and I found one of me playing in the snow.   Once I had seen it, I was back there in time.   But of course, with the good times come the bad and I had to shut the albums and go to bed.   I wish the good was stronger than the bad.   

Anyway, enough of that.

AmD1953

[Emotions26]

Hello AmD1953

I have found myself in a similar mindset that you described a couple of weeks ago.

So sorry to hear about your finding out about your late mum that way. That just should not be.

Anniversaries can take the wind out of us. I always thought that the word represented celebrations.

Consequently my spark for writing or even knowing where to start has been stamped out.

I too have immense sorrow in regard to my dad passing first. Not being informed that he had gone into palliative care as I was confined to home at the time with a nasty bout of flu. My sibling thought best not to say anything! That was 24 years ago!   I do think of my dad now with beautiful thoughts. I cannot bring myself to use the word celebrate though. Remembrance is kinder.

Mum late 2022 and with this parent,  I stayed with her during her last few days in palliative care. Very difficult to experience; at the same time surreal.

More funerals of late. Seems to be taking up much of my time.

I have been diagnosed in the last couple of weeks with long term grief which encompasses many losses during my life. In fact over the better part of it. Oh apparently compassion fatigue is in the mix.  I have been surviving in auto pilot along with fear/flight fear/fight.

I am just over this grief stuff and I realise that this mindset  is not helping me at all. I am doing something about this. I have started grief counselling and am going to be doing some courses.

So I have nothing cheerful to write about. I must be honest.

So many things that you have written about in regard to how you feel about your life as well as the notebook post resonate so strongly with me. I wonder if we are related? I certainly have more in common with you than my sibling or my late mother.

I have so many notebooks of different sizes. I am a note maker. My dad was too as well as my mum.

I will leave it there. This is morbid enough.

I do not wish to upset you in any way.  I did want to write something to you though. I feel that I need to be honest. 

The style of our previous discussions helped me tremendously. It was lovely to escape into different scenarios.

I have the utmost respect for you amd.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello Moonstruck

I did reply to your first post to me and perhaps you might have missed that. So easily done. Replies lost in the midst of others.

I did go looking for you and found that you have your own page or whatever it is called. You have been a member for some time and I saw that you had great support.

I am unable to write about grief. I am seeing a grief counsellor and doing some courses.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

Perhaps I might find you another time in another stage of where I am at.

Remember that we have to look after our thoughts in regards to ourselves as well as the memories of others.

Take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello mmMekitty

Yes that was the missing post which was being checked. I did not have the option to amend anything.

I did receive an apology.

I agree with you about how our mind can take us on all sorts of imaginary journeys.

I understand what you are saying in regard to your PDr as you call him. I used to be like that. I have for some time question everything which he appreciates greatly. If we don't let them know how we are feeling they cannot assume and therefore help us through it.

He also explained to me that the holidays or breaks also serve as an opportunity for us to learn that even though we are struggling, we can survive. We do have that strength.

I hope that helps you.

Thank you mmMe

Ems

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems

I have at least one weakness that I don't mind confessing to and that is I am not a leader of men or women.   I'm a bit too flakey for that.   I would much rather be an observer than a participant because that is what I am used to.  As a budding writer I can be anything I choose to be, but I always place observation paramount.   I have never had the wish to be rich or famous but, almost by accident, I am not poor either.   I would readily live in a cave in the desert or a hut on a beach, but I don't have to.   I live here at Camelot, and I could survive a direct nuclear strike if needs be.   Well, perhaps not but I'd go out kicking and screaming.   I may not be happy with reality, but I see no alternative.   Only my beloved flights of fancy and my dreams sustain me.   Even Pessoa has told me that dreams are the essence of life itself.   Amen to that brother.   Nietzsche had his mind to keep him busy and what a mind it was.   I think his only weakness was a tendency to believe he knew it all.   I will not make the same mistake.   I know as much as I want to and as little as I should do.   I love lighthouses but I do not generate enough light to be a beacon.   Perhaps just a few sparks now and then to keep everyone away from the rocks of normalcy and mundanity and routineness.   We are all in danger of washing up there.   Unless we make an effort to push them back out to sea where the sea creatures see, and everyone has a whale of a time.   

We have to lose people we love because it is an irresistible part of nature.   We can grieve and pay our respects but in the end all we have is our precious memories.   Perhaps letting go is more than a part of living.   Letting go of our pain and suffering should encourage us to move on and enjoy the time that we have left.   Who dares to know that?   I wish we could all just get along with each other, but I know that will never happen.

alla prossima volta

amd1953

[Emotions26]

Buona sera amd,

Your wish for all to “get on” is a familiar expression from many. The reality is that it will not happen in this world as we know it. Human beings cannot achieve that as it would mean sacrificing a part of their own desires and wishes for many. The world is moving away from harmony behind closed doors. Perhaps that is how the world survives. Competition. Ambition. Power . Control. Greed. Out of these catastrophes are born art.-writing. - music — visionaries and much more. Good can still prevail.This world would be bland. Still controlled and worse. You would not have your Pessoa. Your own writing.

Death is best grieved in each person’s own time. Loss aside from death encompasses many life experiences creating grief. This can grow with every loss and not be noticed as everyday life must go on. So dealing with grief is different for each of us. Learning to notice and feel I is a good start. Some refer to long grief as trauma even ptsd. I have been given different labels which I know that they need. They do not really help me. 

I have written some deep, dark prose. 
Little things. Change is slow but sizzling.

It is very comforting for you to love your home and live your life as you choose. Quite an accomplishment. 
I love my home. Still work to be done. I am still working on me. I will always find something to learn about

  Buona  notte

Ems 2024

[amd1953]

Good morning Ems

Life is all a bit of a gamble, isn't it?   I mean, all you can do is play the hand that you've been dealt.   I do think though that if you are lucky enough to have been born either a handsome man or a beautiful woman, you already have money in the bank, so to speak.   Other things like confidence are also extremely good things to have and know how to use.  In this life it seems that if, for any reason at all, you are not accepted into the mainstream of society, you will probably be pushed out towards the edge of it.   I have been out there for decades, but I actually love it out here because people leave me alone and I can just get on with whatever I want to do.   On the very rare occasions that I have to reconnect with them and the short amount of time that I have to come under their scrutiny and spend time with them, I can usually recover pretty quickly.   It might take a day or two but eventually I get back into my own routine.   If I am really lucky and play my cards right, I would never have to leave the house again and I would be perfectly happy with that.   When I decide to visit the local supermarkets, it's almost like setting off on a patrol through enemy territory.   You go into a few shops, purchase what you need and then flee back home again to the safety of the environment that poses no threat.   Normally, I do my food shopping online and have it delivered to my doorstep, and I don't even have to interact with the delivery driver.   It is all very convenient, and I love it.   Now that I have my car up and running again, I don't have to walk past my neighbours houses.   It is really as good as it gets for a reclusive little hermit crab like me.   As I have said before, it isn't that I dislike people, I am just wary of them, and this is the best method I have of dealing with my problem.   It is almost painless in operation.   I always have to smile to myself when I watch people on TV because everything is unnaturally staged and choreographed for the best impact possible.   Everyone is usually happy and smiling and they all slap each other on the back and carry on their merry way.   If only it were possible to cultivate real friendships like that in real life.   I probably wouldn't bother about it.   Ok enough of me for now

May you find peace and happiness in every moment.

Amd1953

[Moonstruck]

Hi there...just wanted to say I completely relate to what you say re being somewhat "reclusive" by choice. I wonder how many others feel exactly the same but don't disclose it for fear of being judged as having some sort of serious psychological problem, or severe depression or something. When I do have to interact I am superb at it , so I seem able to survive in this turbulent society in this latter stage of my life.  I enjoyed reading your post.....have a good day, (however you perceive that to be)