Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Emotions26]

Hello amd 1953,

I am hesitant to write to you in case you are needing personal space or feeling at odds about something that has been written on here.

It has been difficult for me, to say the least over the last few days.   Eggshells.

Although not wanting to disturb you or place any pressure on you, I do want you to know that you are missed.

I sincerely hope that all is well.

You might be totally absorbed in Pessoa or your own masterpieces.

A quick hello will suffice. No need for apologies either. You have done nothing to apologise for.

The challenges of virtual writing might even have left you feeling that this is all too hard.  It can be hard.

I hope that this is not the case.

I do want to respect you as always.

I thank you for all of your wonderful letters. The friendship that has developed between us despite being virtual, has been invaluable.

enlightened moments sampled

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems,

I have just noticed, there is a post from you, which I hadn't 'supported' until now, because I suspect, it is the 'missing' post, & has only turned up after, like Saturday, Sunday or very much earlier today.

It is showing it is from Friday & begins,

"Hello Supplement,

Yes the mind floods with memories..."

Is this indeed the 'missing' post?

*

I'm hoping Amd is okay, too.

I'm thinking, Mr Amd, a self-reliant person, is okay. I'm just as sure you have not said anything to offend, either. To put a positive spin, I'm thinking the book, the writing, the garden, other chores around the place, are keeping Amd busy, & maybe Amd is catching up on some needed sleep....

I know it's easy to fear the worst, & hoping for the best might feel too flimsy, & we can become filled with insecurity, those thoughts we may have done something wrong, & there's no way I can convince you everything is alright. You won't believe me until Amd writes again & reassures you that he is okay & so are you.

I get that way, too. Sometimes, I realise I have formed an attachment to someone. It feels like it will tear me up inside when I don't hear from them, or I can't call them.

I even had that feeling about my PDr.

Because he's gone on leave, periodically throughout each year, including the long breaks for Xmas & New Year, I've learned through experiencing these break that I will be okay. He does return. We can discuss the feelings. Even that doesn't drive him away. Yeah, I fear doing that, too, if I say something he doesn't like, or say something which might be a big red flag to him, scaring him, or something... I don't know; it's my insecurity, anxiety, abandonment issues welling up.

If this makes any sense to you, I hope you can see I understand.

The advice I can give you is to ride the waves - find some ways to distract yourself from the thoughts & feelings, or write them out, & do something which is relaxing for you.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Bonjour Ems

Sorry to keep you waiting for a reply.   I have tried to write something every day since my last letter but there has been a dark cloud hanging over me and rather than make you sad too, I decided absence might have been the way to go.   I found myself writing something on here and then deciding that it was not good enough to send so hence the silence.   Please accept my apologies, I am not in a good spot at the moment.  

My mother passed away in 2009 and I was living in Melbourne at the time, and I learned of her death in a roundabout way from my ex-mother-in-law.   My mother and I were not particularly close, but she was my mother.

As her only living relative, I had to wrap up her affairs and sell the house.   I found that I could not bring myself to do that, so I decided to leave Melbourne and live here.   It was her birthday on Monday 8th January, and I get very sad when I think of what we had both gone through with my father.   Of course, I can do nothing about it now, but it is the thoughts that run through my head that bring me right down to rock bottom.   That is perhaps enough to explain and going into detail would not be the right thing to do here.   She was certainly a tortured soul and I hope she is resting in peace because she deserves to.

Well, I hope that hasn't been too harrowing a story for you or anyone reading it.   Once again, I apologise for keeping you guessing as to whether you would hear from me again.   You are a very special person for having shared your time and conversation with me.   Kitty as well has had such kind words to say and has shared her time with us too.   In fact, everyone who has read and commented on what I have tried to say on here is a friend as well, even though we are anonymous.   I have tried to foster friendships all my life and no one has ever reciprocated.   It is ironic that in the final phase of my life, I have discovered the best friends of all.   I thank you for the privilege of sharing your life with me.

Until the next time

AmD1953

[Emotions26]

Thank you mmMekitty

Will reply soon

Ems

[Emotions26]

Makes perfect sense amD1953,

You have needed space to allow your grief to be.

I truly feel for a deep loss that you have carried for such a long time

We have so much more in common than we realise.

I have been hiding my grief from you for the very same reason that you gave.

I will respond soon.

I have my first therapy session which I must not miss

Yes until the next time

Ems

[Moonstruck]

Dear Ems.....I don't know the details of your grief. My partner of 12 years died between 2 - 3 years ago and I am not getting better.

I have done all the stuff "they" advise....seeing friends, taking up usual hobbies, eat well, etc etc etc.  Nothing has changed in all that time.  My life has a gaping empty hole that I cannot see being filled with ...with anything!  I am "mature aged" if you want to put it that way.  Chances of meeting another person to be a regular partner are less than slim.  I am not looking for anything.  I have no hope of ever feeling better in the future.   My days go part on automatic.  Imagine the word ""Happiness" being at the top of the list...(not that anyone really knows what that is).....then go through all the derivatives after that....e.g. content, relaxed, enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction, fulfilment, relief, and so on and on...all positive emotions and conditions.    I have felt NONE of those in the past 2 - 3 years...none!   I Never feel good or positive...ever!  

Moonstruck......

[mmMekitty]

Hello Amd, Ems Moonstruck & everyone

I like what Ems said about needing "... space to allow your grief to be." 

My kind thoughts & warm hugs to you all.

mmMekitty

[amd1953]

Hello Kitty,

I agree with you that the grieving process is an essential part of dealing with our loss.   Whatever that might be.   I think that we need time to absorb what we are experiencing and deal with it in our own way.   Depending on what it is, we may always carry the scars of losing someone we really care about.   For myself, I was never able to say goodbye to any of my family before they passed.   I suppose it is something that everyone has to go through.   We may be lucky to have someone to support us during these times, but it can still be a harrowing experience.   All part of being human.   We have to take the good with the bad.

Regards

amd1953

[amd1953]

Hello Moonstruck

I am sorry to hear of your loss.   Although we can only offer our condolences, I hope that you find some kind of closure and can move on with your life.   Losing someone close to you is always going to be a battle to deal with and sometimes, what other people say can never ease the pain.   Time is often the great healer but if you have been that close to someone for any substantial amount of time, it can leave you disoriented and feeling empty inside.   Perhaps it would help if you talked to someone about your feelings.   Sometimes, letting someone know how we feel can release the pressure a little.   Just a thought.   There have been several occasions where I have found myself abandoned and I never considered asking anyone for help because I was raised to believe that I had to solve my own problems.   I can see now that keeping things bottled up inside of me is never a good option.   I still do it, but I don't do it as much.   I sincerely hope you are able to find something to help you through your present pain and suffering.   My thoughts are with you.

regards

amd1953

[amd1953]

Buongiorno Ems

I hope this day finds you happy and well.   The sun is shining, and the birds are singing.   But grey days are fine too.   It is all part of life's rich tapestry, is it not?      I am hoping to get a lot more reading done today.   It will keep me out of the heat and in the shade.   

You already know about the problem I have with writing something and then deleting it because I think it is not good enough.   Well, I found this section this morning in The Book of Disquiet.

"Making something and then recognizing that it is no good is one of the soul’s tragedies. Especially when you also have to acknowledge that it’s the best you can do. However, when you’re about to write something, knowing beforehand that it’s sure to be imperfect, a failure, that is the most spiritually tormenting and humiliating of feelings. I not only feel that the lines I write are unsatisfactory, I know that I will find any lines I write in the future equally unsatisfactory. I know this both philosophically and carnally, thanks to some obscure, razor-sharp insight.

Pessoa, Fernando. The Book of Disquiet: The Complete Edition (p. 62). Profile. Kindle Edition."

I couldn't believe it when I read it.   This is the first time that I have read this book.      Perhaps it is just those cosmic tumblers clicking into place.   When everything you have to know falls into view without any fuss or fanfare.   

Well, I think that is probably enough of my chatter for now.   So, I will bid you good day and may the light of a thousand sunbeams light your way.

Antonio's Miracle Deliverance 1395