Newbie - Seeking People Who Understand

[Buzz71]

Hi everyone. First time post, here goes!

I am 49, married (second time around) with two kids from my first marriage, and a five year old from my second. I am a career public servant at upper middle level, and I have had battles with depression and anxiety since my early 20s. Right now I'm going through (yet another) severe bout of depression. I appreciate we shouldn't post too much personal detail here but context is important.

I'm actually on leave on half pay all of 2020. After many years of stress at work I decided to take this year to be a stay at home dad and help my youngest with their first year of school. Things haven't gone quite to plan with COVID etc but that's unavoidable.

Now I am at home and at least not stressed by work but I am depressed as ever. I am very fortunate and have no major problems but I can't seem to shake it. I've tried two different medications over the years but mostly I feel the side-effects are worse than any possible benefits. I have finally weaned off the second of these with much difficulty.

I feel hopeless ... everything is poisoned by the depression. Halfway through my leave and I am already starting to stress about returning to work. Long hours and high stress are part of the deal and my family has suffered over the years. I saw little of my older two children when they were younger because I was always at work. I don't want - and my wife definitely doesn't want - me to return to that habit.

But at home not working I haven't found the peace and joy I was seeking. The depression never leaves and I am ... so... tired... of fighting every single day. I wake up and it punches me in the face. I am not suicidal but I do have thoughts about it being the only way to stop the pain. I have quit drinking because I did come close once last year on a work trip - after a lot of drinks I found myself on a high balcony and considered doing it.

I do have professional help and have a psych I have seen for many years. She is good but no one else in my life understands the pain. My wife cares but doesn't know how to help, and I feel that it is slowly destroying our relationship. I have no real friends left - no one wants to be around depressed people. I feel hopeless- I see no way out and I can't see any options that will make things better.

So here I am - hoping to talk to people that understand depression and won't just tell me to cheer up and move on. Thanks for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Buzz71,

Welcome to the forums. You've come to a safe and non-judgmental place where users give and receive support based on their own mental health journeys.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us today. We know it isn't easy but it is important and brave that you have taken this step. We want you to know we're here to provide as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

In the meantime, we'd encourage you to consider opening up about this with one of our qualified mental health practitioners at our support service on 1300 22 4636. They're available all day, every day. If ever you again feel like you're at risk to yourself, then know it's an emergency and call 000 straightaway.

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Buzz71]

Thanks Sophie. Bleak as I feel I know what it would do to my family if I took that option so I do not feel in any immediate danger. Thinking of them helps me stay grounded. I will consider that 1300 line also.

[sisu100]

Hi Buzz71,

We’re so grateful to have you on the forums. Thank you so much for taking such a brave step in sharing your story with us, it takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling today?

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Coping with depression and anxiety can be so difficult and exhausting. Everyday tasks can feel so overwhelming and finding the motivation to do anything at all becomes extremely challenging. It sounds like both work and your depression has taken a big toll on your relationships with your family and friends, does that sound right? It seems like your wife is really supportive and caring of you, but doesn’t quite understand how she can help you. If you’re comfortable in sharing, may I ask if you’ve tried speaking to your wife about your depression and stress about work?

From your post, I can see how much your family means to you. I imagine that the decision to take a year off from work would have been a difficult decision to make, but I’m sure both your children and your wife really appreciate the time you are spending with your family. You sound like such a strong and resilient father and I really admire you for continuing to get through each day despite all your hardships.

I want you to know that you’re not alone- we are here to provide as much support and conversation as you need. Even if your family and friends aren't as understanding as you’d like them to be, please know that you have a caring community here. I would love to hear how you’re going so please feel free to check in with us if you feel up to it.

[Buzz71]

Thanks sisu100 - I really appreciate you responding. I am not doing well at all, unfortunately.

You are right about friends, I've lost contact with almost everyone. I've reached out to a few but it hasn't gone well.

I have however talked with my wife over the last 48 hours, we had a really good talk about what happens next year. I'm halfway through my leave and I am completely torn up about what do. I wish I was one of those people who could just switch off and not think about it but I'm not. I've struggled with depression and anxiety pretty much my entire working life. I'm so over it and wish I could just let go. It has snowballed a lot now to the point where I am suffering whether at home or at work. I am getting professional help but realistically I have to accept it will never really go away. It is consuming me completely and ruining both my time at home and my connections with people.

In my job I have so much trouble unwinding from work and I didn't feel like I could ever truly switch off. I haven't been 'present' here at home for a long time because I'm always thinking about work. I just can't see how I can go back and not be consumed by it. I'm not the sort of person who can just leave at 5 pm and say sorry, clocking off now. Plus for me, I have the added issue of not driving (eyesight related) so I have to add an hour on in the morning and an hour on in the evening on the bus. Even a 7.5 hour workday with a minimum 30 min lunch break (which I usually work through anyway) is ten hours with the travel time. Add in the extended hours of someone expected of my level and I'm often away from home at least eleven hours a day - and then sometimes logging in from home as well.

What I think I want to do is be present for my wife, and my five year old son. My parents live nearby and are in their mid-seventies and aging rapidly. I'm acutely conscious that quality time left with them is limited and running out.

I am considering taking a lower position that will mean a significant financial hit but allow me to have less stress in my life. Any option seems bad though and I'm just consumed with depression and anxiety - and guilt, because I have a stable roof over my head and no real problems - but I'm always unhappy and I don't know what will make me content and less stressed.

[sisu100]

Hi Buzz71,

It’s so lovely to hear back from you. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re not doing well at the moment.

It sounds like your work has been taking quite a toll on both you and your family. I cannot even begin to imagine working and transporting with the hours you do- plus you are even sometimes logging in from home. That in itself sounds stressful and exhausting, and I can understand where your sense of dread is coming from when you think of returning back to work.

It’s great to see that you’ve reached out to your wife. It sounds like you had a really good discussion about your plans for next year. That’s such a big step to have taken, particularly given your circumstances at the moment. How did it feel for you after having that talk?

It seems like you have a bit of a clearer idea of what you’re after, which is to be there for your wife, son and parents. This might mean that you may have to consider taking a lower position at work, which would be less demanding for you, but also it also means less income too. It’s a tough decision to make, particularly when you have the negativity from depression and anxiety clouding your thoughts too. You say you feel guilty for feeling this way when you have “no real problems.” This is not true at all, and you do not have to feel guilty for expressing such thoughts. What you are feeling is valid, and we are here to help you through this.

From my understanding, you’ve been coping with depression and anxiety since your twenties but it’s been getting worse to the point that it’s affecting you in nearly all aspects of your life now- is this correct? I remember you mentioned that you’ve been seeing a psychologist, I wonder if that’s been helpful for you for managing this?

The emotions we feel with depression and anxiety can be exhausting. It is important for you to remember to look after yourself in ways that make you feel good. I am wondering if you have any activities or hobbies that you enjoy? Or things you like to engage in to keep your mind off things?

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it, I’d love to hear about how you are going.

[Buzz71]

Hi again

Fundamentally I think I just am lost and don't know what is really important to me. I've tried several times to try and understand my "purpose" but never seem to be able to answer the question. Part of me is crying out for release from work stress - yet I am at home this year and as depressed as ever, my hobbies bring me no joy and while I am trying to just be present and enjoy my family time, I constantly ruminate about the future. I know I am ruining the present by stressing about the future but the depression and anxiety has me caught in an endless feedback loop.

I know there is no perfect answer and any path I take will involve choices and some form of sacrifice.

Mostly I feel like I want to slow down and live life at a less hectic pace. Everything in society though is strive for more, you're worthless if you aren't striving to be better and working harder. Can I really go back to my workplace two levels lower and live with it?

I don't know how to be forgiving on myself and just ... be.

Yes -I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since my twenties. Every major episode has been related to work one way or another.

I have a session with my psych in a few days - desperately holding on for that.

[sisu100]

Hello again Buzz71!

It sounds like you want to try and improve your life and live a more meaningful life, but you’re a bit lost as to how you can achieve this- is that correct? I think that it’s already amazing that you’re trying to figure out what your purpose is. Finding purpose is by no means an easy task, and it may take time to uncover what that purpose looks like for you. While finding our purpose gives us a sense of direction and comfort, it’s also completely fine to not have your life figured out- I’m pretty sure that most people don’t. Sometimes, releasing ourselves from the pressure of finding our purpose can help us identify what’s important to us.

I agree with you, I think that we’re all somewhat conditioned to feel that we are always supposed to be "heading somewhere". Our society tends to admire driven individuals who have some kind of goal and do what it takes to reach it. While that is certainly one acceptable way to live, I think it’s also important to remember that it is not the only way to live. I know it is hard not to fall to societal pressures, but happiness and success is truly unique to every individual. Have you ever talked about your workload and stress with any of your colleagues and managers?

I’m hearing that you are struggling to know how to forgive yourself. When I notice that I’m being hard on myself, I try to remember to treat myself with the same kindness and respect as I would to a friend that was going through the same situation. Remember, you’re only human and you’re worthy of happiness just as you are.

Your struggle to manage your stress about work while also enjoying your time off at home this year seems like a tough cycle, and one that you can't quite get out of. It sounds like all your major episodes have been related to work. I was wondering, what initially attracted you to your current role? Are there still aspects of your job you enjoy?

I hope your session with your psychologist goes well. Please feel free to update us on your situation, would love to continue hearing about how you’re going.

[Buzz71]

Hi and many thanks again Sisu100. I really appreciate your perceptive and well thought out responses.

Yes work has been a major trigger for me. I think my entire sense of self worth is invested in it ... or it has been until now. I want this to change but am struggling to find new meaning. I really would like to just "be". I always overdo it at work because I think I find validation that way. The cost has been terrible and I just don't want to pay the price anymore.

As to aspects I still enjoy - that's actually a hard question. Not really. I do miss working with good people. But offsetting that is the enormous stress from managing poor performers. Also I am tired of the 24/7 nature of it, there is no respite. I'm tired of the attitude that you must live to work not work to live.

My psych does help greatly but I have used up all but 2 of my appointments for the year so I have to ration. I'm in terrible mental pain most days and I've just had enough. It's really taking a toll on my family as well as they struggle to find ways to cope with how I am.

I just see no end in sight to the pain.

[Genx]

Buzz 71 I really feel for you. I relate to so much of what you are saying. There will be an end to this for you. You just have to trust that there will be. Take care of yourself.