Newbie feeling completely lost

[Fragile16]

Hi to you all. I recently signed up but have yet to post anything until now.

I've been suffering with depression for the past 12yrs but after a year of severe heartache n pain 2016 ended worse than it started for me. Xmas eve I found my fur baby of almost 16yrs had passed away. I'm completely heartbroken without her as she was my rock and the only thing in my life that was perfect. No matter how bad a day I would have she always made me smile but now I'm struggling big time and have never felt more alone. 2016 started with being there for my sister who lost her father in law, my 28yr old cousin almost died from a major heart attack, I dreamt about having a serious car accident and just over a week later that dream came true, about a moth later while I was still recovering I lost a very special friend (who was like my 2nd mum) to cancer, 3mths later I end up in surgery after a pregnancy gone wrong and add the odd issues with the kids and me almost walking out on my partner it then ended Xmas eve. I'm a stay at home mum to an almost 15yr old son from a previous relationship and a 6yr old daughter with my fiancé. He is a FIFO worker and has been away at work when all the serious things go wrong. I've had to go through a lot on my own. He doesn't understand how or what it's like to suffer from depression so I had him attend 1 of my psychologist appointments with the hope that he would listen to what I had to say but like everything in my life it didn't go well. I do have family and a few close friends that I know are there for me no matter what but I just don't feel right about telling them how things really are for me. I've always been very good at putting on the brave face and hiding my true self but am scared as it's now becoming noticeable by many. I am not suicidal but I am feeling like I'm on this huge roller coaster full of emotions that I'm not able to control or get off.

[OberonX]

You have so much going on in your life at the moment all at the same time!

It is only completely normal for you to feel overwhelmed and as though you are being drowned by all the chaos.

The best thing that you need to do, is talk to someone. Which is what you are doing. Holding all the negativity in will eventually make you explode like a volcano.

Find something that helps calm you. Like your favorite music or movie etc. Have some time just set for you. Unfortunately, you can't look after everyone else unless you look after yourself first.

I send many virtual hugs to you for your many heart aches and sad experiences.

[geoff]

hello Fragile, well after all that has happened it's quite understandable that's exactly how you are feeling, and at the moment want to send my deepest thoughts to you.
With your partner being FIFO always seems to create huge problems for the person who is left to carry the candle and this is you, and with your finance being away so often, he doesn't have the feeling that any other partner would have, because he just leaves when he is due back, leaving you to suffer.
Putting on a brave face will eventually become too exhausting and make you so tired, so you will only stop trying to be happy, because you're not.
If he doesn't believe that anybody can have depression then the session he went to with you would just be something where you are crying out for help, but he doesn't understand that any help is needed, why should there, because he's earning a good income and home only half the time, so you should be enjoying yourself so everything should be great, rubbish it doesn't work like that, because there has been so much he has missed out on and hasn't been there to help you.
Now is the time when you must go back and visit your doctor, and I wonder whether you are getting any benefit from seeing your psychologist. Geof

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the community, Fragile.

I'm glad you have found the courage to share your story. You have gone through a lot and repeated trauma takes its toll. I too recently lost a beloved dog to old age, a friend and workmate. Many people don't understand that loss of unconditional love, loyalty and wordless understanding can leave behind such a gaping void.

Accident, health issues, loss of loved ones, feeling isolated...so much distress while needing to put on a brave face and continue to care for children. Life often seems to deliver challenges all at once, with no breathing space in between. I went through that too. My heart naturally goes out to you.

A natural reaction is to put a mask on our pain but you need and deserve all the support you can get. There comes a time when struggling alone becomes too difficult. Burn out can then easily set in.

Good friends usually feel hurt when they find out you've been keeping things to yourself, even if you felt it was to protect them. They would like to know you trust them enough to share how you really feel and would step in to help in anyway they can. Discussing mental/emotional conditions doesn't come easy but please think about it. You need to unload some of that overload. Superwoman may be attractive but she's a fantasy.

You will find useful tips on discussing mental health here :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it#findwords

It is sad that you find little support and understanding with your husband. Printed info can be ordered free of charge (see the scroll down menu in the Get Support section, top left of this page). Perhaps leaving it lying around would tempt him to learn a bit more about what depression really is and how it affects people.

Would he agree to counseling sessions ?

Meanwhile, navigating these forums will help you feel less alone. So please feel free to connect with others or just let steam off. We care, we're here to listen.

Kindest thoughts.