New member saying hello

[EvlHmr]

Hello everyone

I'm almost 43. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 19, since then I have had good and bad stretches of my life, sometimes years with 'being normal', then BOOM, something happens and I'm a mess and back to the bottom of the well. I've attempted suicide twice. The current stint of feeling worthless began around almost 3 years ago. I lost my dad and then my wife and I became pregnant all within 3 months of each other. That was the start of a very slow descent to rock bottom. Once I got back to my then workplace, I was bullied and ridiculed by my then boss, who ensured I was made redundant in a management restructure, whereas I was the only redundancy in a organisation of over 30,000 people. Since then I have struggled to find a point to my life. This has caused my wife and I to become more and more distant, our marriage is on the rocks and my belief is we are only together for our son. Throw into this mix the fact I am desperate to leave Australia and return home and she is desperate to stay here and not leave, and you have me as I am. Wanting to never wake up each day, having no support network, trying to find a reason to simply exist.

So, that's my happy life in a nutshell.

[Kazzl]

Hi EvlHmr, welcome to the forum mate. You have been through a lot, and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so hard. Many of us here understand that feeling of not wanting to wake up again, and like every day is too big an effort. You're not alone mate.

It's often very hard too for partners and family to understand, especially when we have periods of wellness and they hope (as do we!) that it's all over. Then it returns and it's a blow to everyone around us. Does your wife understand about depression? If not, perhaps you could have good look at the info on the BB website and share it with her.

Are you being treated at the moment? If you haven't seen your doctor about it recently it's probably time to go back. A good psychologist can help too, ask your doc about a mental health plan whereby you can get cheaper visits to a psych under Medicare. It sounds to me like some professional support would be a good start mate, especially if you have no immediate support around you.

That feeling of having nothing to live for is, in my view, the illness invading your mind ElvHmr. It will pass, especially if you get treatment soon and get well. You have much to live for - yourself to start with, and of course your son! How wonderful to have a young man in the making to guide and care for. Dads are very very special people. I'm sorry to hear about your dad passing. That must have been a great loss, as it would be for your boy if you weren't there.

I hope you'll come back and talk to us more, there are many people here who can share experiences and understand how you're feeling.

Where's home by the way?

Very best wishes to you

Kaz

[geoff]

hello, and Kazz is right you have been through too much for you to be able to cope with by yourself and I'm also pleased that you have come to the site so Ihope that we can help you.
Once we begin to suffer fromwhat's been happening then everything else jumps on board so we end up being a total mess, and the number of times this happens, well I have no idea, far too many times, but it's something that we are unable to stop.
Losing your dad and then your wife becoming pregnant which maybe was not what you had planned and unexpected then throws everything into chaos with the thought of not being happy at work and has now made you unemployed, so with all of this going on would create some problems between the two of in your marriage, as there would be disagreements in what you both want to do.
You now have big decisions to make, but I think you need to have an arbitrator, whether it's friends, family or someone you can get from this mental health plan that your supplies you with to help you both come to a conclusion, just as long as it's not a g/friend to support your wife, or a mate to support you, because that would be unfair.
One of my biggest worries here is that you will stay safe, because when anybody is depressed then they can't make a rational decision, and please I mean no harm by saying that, because if you leave Austraia and she wants to stay here then the marriage could have ended, and I'm not sure that that's what you want.
I hope to hear back from you where you can clear up any points I have said which aren't correct. Geoff.