Dear Riles77~
I'd like to join Paul in welcoming you here. It is a good place to get ideas and see how others have coped.
Being bullied at school can leave a shadow on life for a very long time. Strangely enough it can make a person feel they are in someway a failure or less worthy, I don't really know why. Being in an abusive relationship can only make one's regard for oneself worse.
Like Paul I'd like to ask if you are under treatment for that depression? I could simply not improve until I had medical assistance.
Everyone copes one way or another, and if you have found unhealthy ways of doing so maybe it is time to change them for better ones. Some like alcohol, drugs and self harm can take outside help to get them under control. I'd suggest if you have not done so already talk to you doctor and see what is best.
It can be very hard to speak frankly with a doctor - or anyone else for that matter. I've written things down in advance before now then shared the paper in the appointment. It does make it easier.
There is a lot of good news, firstly depression most often does get better - I'm an example of that. Secondly you have not yet met the person for you. When love is involved caring for someone with any sort of illness becomes not only possible, but the only thing to do.
I was invalided out of my occupation with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. I was a complete mess and very difficult to live with. It was hard on my partner who went to work, looked after our child, the home - and me.
Years later when I was a much improved person I asked her why she stuck it out and she told me there was no choice, she loved me and wanted me better. Years later when she became ill I returned the favor and looked after her.
You will do what you can to look after and love a partner in a relationship, it will work out and I'm sure you will improve too.
Croix
