Needing some advice on marriage

[RealTalk]

Hi,

I came to beyond blue to come for some guidance about marriage. Fights happen. I get it, as a couple we need to learn how to fight 'well'. I believe my wife is under quite alot of stress being apart of allied health as a sole business owner (and the only person managing the business). She is taking more work than she can handle and I believe the constant stress about work is getting her bogged down. From my life experiences, I suspect that she is getting burnt out and I would be receiving the back end of the consequences. She actually had gotten violent last night (rare occasion). I immediately left the room because I did not want to provoke her any further because I was tired too.

Truth is, I was like that too. burnt out, getting anger outbursts. When I was struggling my was wife was not being very supportive. She was blaming me for being angry and how I was acting. She could not understand that I was having a hard time. This was before I was able to have resolve my internal issues with the help of my counsellor. So now the roles have reversed. I want to be supportive, I want to be the better person. instead of pointing out the hypocrisy and being a hypocrite myself.

How do I start that conversation with my wife without lighting the fuse?

She's not a good listener. I had been encouraging and giving her work advice, warned her of the challenges that would have prevented her situation, even helped to ease off the workload. (I can't just say I told you so, no matter how tempting that is)

I too am working for the community, I won't specify, but I do tend to bring alot of work home with me but I been more so preoccupied rather than stressed. Exhausted shall I say. How do I help someone who does not listen to me?

I would appreciate anyone's comments.

[geoff]

Hello RealTalk, thanks and welcome to the site.

When a couple both are working flat out, in their own ways and with your wife doing her own business, it can be quite difficult to know what to say, because owning your own business you always believe that you aren't doing enough to increase the business or there is still much that needs to be done, so any comment may seem as being derogatorily, rather than praising them and doing this when you are exhausted, disappoints you.

Giving her advice may seem as being critical, not that you mean to be, try going the other way, and congratulating her, then she might start listening to you.

Someone in their own business doesn't like being told 'what they should have done', this only frustrates them, once you start praising the good points, that will help, but don't forget to continue talking to your therapist, and please get back and ask any question you like.

Geoff.

[RealTalk]

So the conversation I actually want to start with her is to start committing to a therapist. She's been putting it off, and things are getting violent.

I am definitely avoiding the talk of the 'what they should have done' but instead we are having conversations of 'how we can move forward from here to resolve it'. I get she wants to do things her way, and she's requested work from me to help her understand how her business is currently operating and to bring strategies for her business to run effectively. So to my understanding it was upon her request (as a professional), and having experience in operating a business myself, my input was done extensively with data analytics.

So it is really hard for me to understand how it would be taken critically if it was upon request. I'm not telling her how her business should run. Anyway, that's not important.

Congratulating her on her accomplishments and words of encouragement does not run shy with me. So if you have any other strategies for communication in married couples, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks Geoff.

[therising]

Hi RealTalk

I was just about to run out the door when I saw your thread. I don't want to lose it so, here, I'm just grabbing onto it. Yes, definitely tempting to say 'Now you know how it feels' or 'I told you so' and there are ways of saying that carefully, with it coming across as more about care than a declaration. I've found this through personal experience based on knowing how it feels to be triggered through people saying such things. I think we can all relate to how it feels, in reality. I think coming up with careful ways to express certain things comes down to figuring out how we'd like these things said to us. Triggering a person to open their mind, not close it through defensiveness, can be the ultimate challenge at times 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hi RealTalk,

Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums.

Since you mention there’s been some violence, we’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. You could also reach out to  Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277, and of course you're always more than welcome to reach out to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors on 1300 22 4636 or on webchat here. 

Here's a couple of online pages we also thought you might find useful:

• Relationships Australia's great advice pages, such as this one on communication in relationships.
• Our pointers for staying connected, and
  finding support through a trying time.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the words of our lovely community members above brings you some comfort through this difficult time. We look forward to hearing more from you, whenever you feel comfortable.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Baljit]

Hi Realtalk,

Thank you, for joining the group and sharing your feelings.

One of the biggest challenges that I have seen with friends and family is them finding that right level of “work life” balance, with and for their loved ones.

Have you thought of undertaking some type of counselling and I am sure that your GP would be able to assist.

Counselling, could be the great neutraliser in helping you both identify what your main priorities and how you can achieve a happy and productive balance both at work and home.

The emotional rewards could be massive. It’s about having a level of faith and making that first move.

All the best.

[geoff]

Hello RealTalk, I understand how you feel as my ex wife was running her own business and there was nothing I could say that she appreciated, so I had to step back, although we were divorced, I tried to help her starting up this business, so she had to learn about the good times as well as the days she wished didn't happen.

To say to her 'I told you so' is not a good idea, so suggest she google this startupback business ideas in australia, this may help her through this and it could enable you to take a step back.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi RealTalk

Your wife's lucky to have you in her corner, with you being someone who wants the best for her, someone who can relate to what stress can do to a person (especially someone running their own business), someone who who has a constructive vision of the way forward. Sounds like her vision is not the same as yours. Can she only imagine coping on her own without strategic mental health support? Does she refuse to imagine anything else? What was it that opened your mind to seeking counseling when everything felt like it was getting the better of you? Was it how stress had mutated into anger perhaps? No need to answer 🙂

Would you say, based on your own experience, someone can guide you with how to run a business but such guidance will only work under the right circumstances. With ideal circumstances perhaps being good mental health, strategies/tools for coping with triggers, an open mind (inviting outside the square ideas at times), knowing your tolerance levels etc, I imagine what you gained in counseling included some of these things and more. With you being in analytics and with you having faced a lot of stress in the past with your own business, I can imagine you could relate to how analytics and high emotion don't go so well together at times. You could offer your wife the facts but under the circumstances of high emotion perhaps it's almost impossible for her to relate to the facts without a mind free of emotion. Not sure. What do you think?

Being a sensitive gal, I can easily relate to the ability to feel just about everything quite easily. Being sensitive, I can easily sense/feel a stressful situation, sense/feel my own frustration, sense/feel that vision in my mind of there being no clear way out of an overwhelming situation. While some folk may say 'Don't be so sensitive', I think to become more sensitive is key. To become sensitive enough to feel the very beginnings of stress is something that allows you to cut off the build up to major stress. As you would know, there are skills that come with this.

What do you think your wife would say if you asked 'Do you believe you'd be able to feel when it's time to seriously look at managing the stress you're under? How much stress would you allow yourself to feel before seeking ways to manage?' If your wife has a good imagination, it might be easier for her to imagine what breaking point looks like, rather than telling her she's reaching it. Often, the mind will open through imagination.