Looking for your words of encouragement and support

[shazzybear]

Hello. He was a nice guy but I thought he had issues and a lot of bad luck. He’d had a lot of bad relationships, all their fault.  He was about to be fired, kicked out of the room he rented and was in dept.  i offered to help get him a job and would help. I got him a place to live and a job. He was happy and I was glad to help. He got back after being away and came around to say thanks for what I had done. We saw each other from then when he made contact. As time went on he moved in with me and would often ask to borrow money i never got back. We were building a future, and paying his debts off were part of that. It wasn’t til we went for a housing loan and all his debt was shown. He didn’t qualify. I paid off some so we could move forward. I found out he was still on dating sites. His reply was “but it’s not like I’m contacting them” I cracked and he became abusive. Never sorry but said he wouldn’t have acted like that if I didn’t crack up. This continued and could be about any tiny thing. Yelling at me in public and saying things that weren’t true. I thought us buying a house might settle him. It’s what he always wanted and never had. He’d had many jobs, been fired from 2. and never his fault.  It took the funds from selling my house to buy it but he seem better. I put my half in and he took a loan for his and built a nice home.  That was 2 years ago. The years have been Ricky. My friends don’t come around or my family. Giving me such a hard time about them it was easier to let them go. I started believing the fights were my fault. I should just keep quiet. Poke the bear and you’re going to get hurt, he would say. Threaten to leave or just walking out not knowing if he’s coming back. Standing over me while I was crying and yelling abuse. You get timid after a while. He doesn’t apologise ever.  He’ll tell me I’m the one that’s got problems and I need to change. It’s my fault he gets angry. I’ve had to use my super, the money I got from mum passing, money from selling a car etc. I had to or we couldn’t pay bills in between his jobs and buying expensive things. I live tight. There’s no money and he is supporting me financially so its worse. He doesn’t want me working.  I saw a block of land like we had always  liked it belonged to a friend. It was cheap and we could sell our house, build a little home and have money in the bank, have a small loan and not have the worry. It might stop the pressure that makes him angry. I told him about it and I was told “if you want to move then I’ll buy you out and you can go live wherever the f**k you want.” He started saying horrible things and I started crying and walked off to a spray of abuse.  I couldn’t believe he was prepared to just pay me out and not be together anymore. I was quiet after that and then a few days later he suggested we have a look at the block. He started making plans where the house would go and selling our house.  I finally thought things were going to be ok and then on the way home I asked what had changed his mind to buy me out. He said “if I did I wouldn’t come out with much once I paid you out.” I was gutted. I realised that he was using me to get a house. Even though I was there through every crisis, I took the abuse and put him firs.  I took him to work and during the day I wrote an email saying I only wanted us to be happy and not have the financial stress and enjoy life more. I said I didn’t understand why he was going to buy me out and it hurt when he said that.  The email I got back was full of blame and abuse and telling me I’m the one that has to change and it’s my fault etc., and if I didn’t see anything wrong with myself, then we should sell the house and go our seperate ways. 
i couldn’t believe the complete turn around and I thought about it, i started thinking this is never going to end. Today I got the strength to email back and say we see things differently and I think it’s best to sell the house and go our seperate ways. I feel good about that decision. I’ve finally see I can have a good life. I haven’t heard back yet but I know I will. To be honest I'm frightened to open that email. 
Any suggestions or advice would be welcomed as I'm starting to think I should have just kept quiet. It’s the backlash that I'm scared of and I'm not sure if I should read it or not. 
Thankyou for taking the time to read my story. 

[quirkywords]

Shazzy

i sm not sure if everyone else including friends and family think he is wonderful I once tried telling a cousin of mine what he was like but he thought it was a joke and wouldn’t believe me.So I have never told anyone else.

The caring and kind times make me  think the swearing and verbal arracks have gone but they haven’t. It is stressful. You are not alone. 
when I said why are you kind to everyone e,se and respectful not me he said it is my fault because I bring out the worst in him. I admire how brave you are. 
thanks  for keeping us informed. 

[shazzybear]

Thankyou. There’s times I feel brave and then other times I feel week.
Yeah some of my friend and family were a bit sus of him. He knew that and it’s why he use to say I acted differently towards him after I’d seen them. It use to end in an argument so I rarely see them now. I will get them back in my life though. The ones that thought he was gorgeous made it easier. He didn’t get angry about them! 
it’s been a roller coaster ride for the whole 6 years with times he had an overwhelming love for me, then he could switch it to hate in the blink of an eye. It was always me that smoothed things over. 

[shazzybear]

Thankyou for your support. Yeah I hear what you’re saying. The only contact I have is very brief and through emails or the odd text. We do have a joint bank account but a little while ago when mum died, I opened up one and put some of her money she left for me in there. It’s wasn’t much but enough if I have to go I could stay the night in a motel and have money for fuel, food etc. Once we sell the house I’ll be ok. 
gaslighting was new to me too. You don’t realise you’re going through it then something clicks in our head and you start searching for answers. For me, I started keeping texts he’d sent in my notes on my phone. I did this because he would say “I never said that. You don’t remember. You’ve got a sh*t memory.” So I started keeping stuff I knew he would tell me never happened. Or I’d keep notes of things he’d said.  That’s what kept me sane when I started doubting myself. 
Stay strong and keep your head up. Abuse may have shaped you in the past, but you have the choice how to shape your future. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello shazzybear

You write so clearly, I'm looking back at prior relationships I've been in & seeing a similar pattern, with some twists here & there. Most notably is how they'd have me doubting myself & afraid to raise questions or topics, because of how they might react. Even the idea of not talking to some people because they might/would be upset if I did.

I still haven't learned how to trust myself. No matter how much I think I've learned over the years, (& still there is more to learn), I fear getting into such a relationship with anyone smilar or worse - I still feel vulnerable.

You have been recognised so clearly, I have high hopes you will learn from this relationship & will recognise anyone ever treating you similarly in the future. I'm glad you have thought of your options, & have plans in mind. 

As much as I like the idea of keeping notes, especially for when you feel you are doubting your own memory, is great, so long as he does not have access to those notes. If he discovers them that would lead to more accusations & anger, & he could still try to deny everything. Be careful with those notes.

Thank you for staying in touch with us here at BB.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[shazzybear]

Hi mmMekitty

Thankyou for what you said. I do plan on never repeating the past. The thing is…I matter to myself. I don’t care if I don’t matter to him. It’s his loss. I think one of the keys to healing is to stop blaming ourselves for what can’t be changed. We tried but we didn’t fail. We didn’t change who we were by trying to help them. It was a choice to be like they are. They didn’t have to make the choice to be an ar****le. We’ve stayed true to ourselves, because that is our choice. 
When it came to keeping notes, I got to the point I didn’t care if he read them. It’s more important to do what’s needed for my own sanity. If he read them it’s also showing “I’m on to you and know you’re trying to mess with me head.” 
That song “I can see clearly now” I have printed it out and have written notes on it like “Don’t look back, the further is amazing” and Fun and freedom and happy times ahead.” I think we can get overwhelmed by thinking of the past and not focusing on the future, and I know for myself I can’t dwell on the things I can’t change, that being him. Instead of being angry at him, I’ve turned it around and feel sorry for him and people like him as they will never find true happiness. They’re living a lie. I look at it like…”I’m so thankful I am not like them.” and proud of myself for having the brains to get out. 
Words will only hurt you if you let them. You don’t have to. Put an invisible barrier around your self and let all that abuse bounce straight off! It can’t get to you while you have a shied around you protecting yourself. Stay strong. You’ll get through. 

[Robbi3]

Unfortunately some people can't see what you have done for them. You seemed to be going quite well financially prior to the relationship, paying his past debts off for you both to move on and build something together. Without your help with his bad debt situation and paying them all off he would be still struggling, bumming off someone else no doubt.

It's very frustrating, and can make you do crazy things, as you start building up anger.

I say you have to get out of that relationship with as much money as you possibly can.

Good Luck.

[shazzybear]

Thanks Robbi. You’re absolutely right and I am getting out. No going back now.
 I didn’t mind contributing as we were trying to get a home loan. It has taken a huge toll financially on me. I will never get all of it back but that’s my fault for being such an idiot and not getting out earlier. You think you’re doing the right thing when they seem appreciative and happy to have you in their life. It was when he started getting angry and criticising me and I said “well why do you even stay with me?” and he said “I’m staying with you because financially I wouldn’t come out with much” Well…that was it for me. Things hadn’t been going well for a while and that was the final straw. I have bad days thinking about the good times we had but they are getting less frequent now. Since he has been away, there has been very little contact. Im being punished for making him feel bad and getting him angry. He’s done it many times. Even though I’ve asked how he is going I get a very short answer, although he did tell me he’d let me know his flight times so I can pick him up from the airport!!! Thats on Tuesday and he hasn’t let me know yet and he would have had confirmation of that by now. He is fifo worker on a 3 and 2 roster. He’ll let me know at the last minute. I’ll pick him up but it will be the last time. 

[quirkywords]

Shazzy bear

By writing here so honestly and clearly you will help many people who read your post but don’t reply. Your insights and suggestions are helpful. 
inhave found your strength inspiring. I hope writing here as helped you understand and sort out your thoughts.

[shazzybear]

Thankyou for saying that. I have really appreciated everyone’s responses. It helps when you know you’re not alone. Even yesterday going to Centrelink I broke down when they were asking me questions. They were all so lovely and helpful. It was like it was the reality of what had happened to me. On the long drive home, I was thinking of everything that had happened and how every time it was me that simmered his temper and calmed him down. I sent him and email on Saturday about picking him up from the airport (I hadn’t heard what time) and said “I hope he was doing ok.” Well…the one I got back a couple of days later was full of hate. I have copied and pasted this from the email

“I haven’t communicated because I have no idea how I’m feeling apart from being angry, sad and confused along with all the emotions all rolled into one. This has already effected my job this swing.”
So it looks like I’ll get the blame if he get fired from yet another job or gets called into the office. I will pick him up this afternoon and I’ve no doubt he’ll be telling me it’s all my fault and I have to change etc etc. I’m not going to say anything negative because there’s no point and I’m not going to cower down to his level.  It’s an argument I’m never going to win. I realise that now. you get to the point, you just want peace and happiness and even if he said nice things, it’s only a little Band-Aid on a very big wound that’s not healing while I’m with him. 

[Scrivener]

Hi Shazzybear! 🙂

This might sound strange coming from a guy but the previous respondents are all right, this guy is a narcissist. I know because my current neighbour is one. All they want is what I call "negative attention". They are not able to achieve the things that would prompt positive feedback from their peers, friends, or family so they play "drama queen" games and psychological games to get attention. There is something lacking in these people, not you! The only thing you have done is try to help someone who isn't trying to help themselves. Unfortunately, this happens all to often (mostly to women - not being a chauvinist btw just honest). I'm not sure but perhaps the loss of your mother has left a gap in your female support network? You need to build your confidence and put yourself first. That's not selfish, it's common sense. It is good that you have sought help because I think that you will need some help to not fall into the same trap again, even though you are wiser now. I have a sister-in-law who keeps ending up with the same sort of guys over and over again. She thinks that she can "fix" them but it never works out. The last guy she married was an alcoholic gambler. Her previous husband was the same. A couple of months after getting married again, she said that she should have never married him. So don't feel bad, it happens all the time. 

Some guys can be total ass#¢es! They make the rest of us look bad.