It's me, hi.

[SadSoulGirl]

Hi everyone,

I don't really know why I made an account here. I've known about these sorts of resources for over a decade but never thought they'd be useful.

Right now I'm waiting to see a psychiatrist for assessment. I don't feel like I'm able to make any real progress in my life until I do that and hopefully get some answers. The wait is killing me, just dragging on and on and on.

I do have some ways to let things out and vent, but I'm imagining that I'll eventually have to find a way to stop doing them, as they aren't the healthiest things.

Anyway, hi and hopefully I'll become better at some point.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for posting. Professional mental health care is encouraged and I'm pleased you have taken that avenue. In terms of 24/7/365 we are here so you can post and wait for someone to reply and that usually isnt too long. It's really handy to get things off your chest or if you have particular questions you want answered. Our online library is amazing so you can also type a topic in search.

So, you can reply to my post and when I log on it will show a red number of how many replied to me and I sift through them and read your post. It works well.

So when you feel up to it by all means post your issues and we'll try to help you. We wont infringe upon any treatment you are getting and I'm happy you have commenced that process.

You can also attend your GP and get a mental health plan with free visits every year if that would help.

TonyWK

[SadSoulGirl]

Thanks for the reply, it's weird to talk about things but I suppose I won't get better if I don't.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say, not just here, but whenever I'm around another person. It's annoying that I cant just say what I need to say. Other people say so many things that I find irrelevant and don't see the purpose of. Even when I try and do that too, just so that I fit in, I find myself unable to think of anything. Of course, if I just say all the things that are on my mind I get in trouble for being inappropriate and rude. So I have to somehow figure out what I feel like saying, then run that through a filter of what I am allowed to say and what will get me in trouble, all the while trying to keep pace with the other person or people that I am talking to.

On the flip side, when I do have something to say, I make sure I say it. If there is a reason for me to talk, it is hard to get me to shut up. It's just the pointless social aspect that makes no sense to me.

Because of this, and some other character traits, I am often considered eccentric and have never fit in anywhere. I don't care about that from a social perspective, but it makes it harder to do things like uni study, find work, leave home. Live, basically.

There are other issues beyond this, but at least this is a start.

[white knight]

Hi again,

You did so well in your explanation. In fact I know exactly how you feel and have some comments.

You describe "freezing up" while talking to someone else. There could be a number of reasons for this but in my own experience when much younger I found my anxiety contributed to that. It made my thinking process jumbled with thought jumping around so quick I couldnt reply automatically hence the freeze. It can also come from lack of experience, maturity, low self esteem and a host of other causes. Your feeling that what they say is "irrelevant" eg you are bored by their ramblings, is a frustration I've only come across when people mention things I know a lot about. It is a feeling like I'm being taught math at primary school level at a slow speed and I'm tapping my fingers waiting for them to stop talking so I can change the topic or say goodbye. 

The next query is "Of course, if I just say all the things that are on my mind I get in trouble for being inappropriate and rude."  I call that "foot in mouth disease" lol. Sufferers of illnesses like ADHD and some others that include mania (a racing mind) have this problem. Their mind is going so fast they speak without the normal thinking process. As we age and mature we usually learn the hard way and eventually we either think first and talk later to prevent such inappropriate wards or we patch it up real quick eg "I'm sorry I didnt mean how that came out... what I meant was....... and I'm sorry I said that". That usually repairs the damage and if not then they arent accepting human nature of making an honest mistake. That approach to those that dont accept apologies is something that you will loearn eventually, that no human is perfect and those that insist on you paying a huge price for an honest mistake are not worth your time. It's a form of self protection that is one process you benefit from eventually. Otherwise such people will push you down and down until they dominate you. This is purely a defence method not unlike, on a larger scale one country invading another, the other country has to defend even in a aggressive manner to survive.

All of the symptoms you describes including (cant shut me up) are imo fixable to various degrees through professional care starting with your GP. Read a lot on the topics. However, we can be proactive like that but there is one thing to make sure of- that you retain your character, build your pride and remember you have rights including the right to be you... warts and all.

Repost anytime or ask more questions. 

TonyWK

[SadSoulGirl]

Interesting, I've never thought of it like that. I don't feel anxious around other people, I'm not afraid of anything or perceiving any danger. I just don't know what to say in response to another persons attempt at small talk. I don't feel awkward sitting in silence either, so I usually just go with that. I just don't engage socially, and honestly don't particularly care to. I would much prefer being alone or with my pets than around other humans. I just want to be better able to do the things that require dealing with other people. If I can figure out why this is so hard for me, then I might be able to work on ways to make it easier. At the moment I just keep contact with others limited to my closest family members and anyone I am forced to be around for services (doctor, psychologist, hairdresser, dentist, etc.).

I don't like that I'm not allowed to say what I am thinking and feeling, especially when it's true. It seems like an injustice to me that I have to put on an act to be accepted. I mainly avoid getting into trouble by not talking to people, which also conveniently means I don't have to socialise. My psychologist raised concerns about ADHD or ASD, but couldn't link me to a provider of a formal assessment. I don't really care why I'm like this, I just wish I didn't have this distance between me and everyone else. I need to get in to see a psychiatrist and hopefully get some answers. I think that's all I can do right now.

[white knight]

Hi, again,

I think I've stumbled on one crucial answer to this problem (there could be more)

One very common thing people make an error about when listening to friends is they dont respond with a question. There you are wondering how to respond but if you did with a question then that draws that person towards you in a manner like- oh, he/she is interested in me and what I'm saying.

So try this, listen intently on what they say and if anything has you wondering then ask the question. Eg

Her- "I'm going back to uni next week and I'm excited"

You- "Great! what course are you doing"?

Her- "I was going to try education but I dont want to be a teacher anymore so I'm trying engineering"

You- " what was wrong with teaching"

Her- "Oh, they are worked to the bone and dont get support anymore"

You- "thats interesting, so good on you for finding a course you really want to do, thats cool"

Notice the compliments from you? Notice the questions as to why she changed courses? Your friend would leave you that day believing -

• you are a real friend, you take interest
• You are supportive of her decisions
• You are kind and a true friend unlike the others.
• You take real interest

I'd like you to try that, I know its the answer because I've had "friends" that never ask questions, they just spew out statements about themselves. 

Eventually you'll find good friends, they will be the ones that will then ask you questions and take interest.

TonyWK

[SadSoulGirl]

I see how that example works, thanks. The problem I have with that is that I don't actually have an interest, so if I ask a question then the other person will just keep talking and I'll have to remain engaged in a conversation that serves no purpose. I just want to interact with people the minimum amount possible to get things done. I'm not looking for friends as I just don't have the motivation or energy for that.

Also, if I fake interest and put energy into being social, I would feel like I'm not being true to myself. Sure, some people might like me, but I'll have to keep up the act indefinitely for no real gain. I'd rather just be me and go about my business with nobody holding me back.

I do care about people, and I do have empathy for them. I want them to be happy, and safe, and thrive, and all that warm fuzzy stuff. I just don't want to interact with them as I see most people as barriers to me doing what I want, and I find them to be far too much work. I'm a solitary creature and I like it that way. I just have trouble with the small bits of life that can't be soloed.

[white knight]

I can see this mindset is too left of centre for me to further assist with. The only way that I could relate to this is my own boredom of small talk. I'm a doer, meaning I get heaps of work done, I'm productive. I have nightmares of being in a queue behind an elderly lady at a supermarket when she is told the amount of her grocery costs then she reaches into her purse and while she searches for that 10 cent piece she looks up at the checkout person and begins to tell a story about her grandkids mumps. Then after 2 minutes she looks back in the purse and looks back up and asks "what was I looking for dear"? ... "10 cents"... Oh, I'll have to use my card, I knew 5 days ago I had 10 cents in there. As she looks for her card she reverts back to the purse to look for that 10 cent coin. I lose it and walk out in a big enough huff everyone knows why.

So I think, you would be advised well if you sort a therapist that has a good ear for these things. As above some people havent got the patience for things that dont assist them in their interests. Is interest in people a necessary thing? Or is it the same as an interest in animals? Some love animals and some cant stand a strand of pet hair on them.

I hope you find out if its a problem of not, I'd be interested.

TonyWK

[SadSoulGirl]

Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks for talking to me about it though. My psychologist wanted to push me to be more social, but I just don't think it's for me. I'd love to just be a witch, living alone in the middle of a swamp, with maybe a pet toad or two.

I'll just hold out for a psychiatrist appointment and hopefully that will shed some light on it all.

[idontknowanything]

Thank you for sharing your feelings. It resonates for me also.