I often feel jealous

[PB7193]

Hi, 

      I am in need of advice or just people to listen to me. I am in relationship that has been going nearly 5 years and I have a very hard time with jealousy. It’s not my partners fault as I was the same with my ex wife. It’s something that I have always been ashamed of and I try my best to not let it show. I always do things to try and avoid me having suspicious thoughts for example I never look at her phone when she is messaging people (A) it is unfair to her not really my business and (B) I don’t want to see a small part of a conversation and have it taken out of context making me feel suspicious. I finding doing these sort of things helps.

However if something seems out of place to keep going with phone example say she seems to type quickly and then close phone when I sit next to her I start wondering why she is doing that, when in reality she wants to finish messaging so we can talk uninterrupted but my mind straight away thinks she is hiding something , the phone is just an example other times she will say things that seem out of order to what she has said before which makes my mind tick. 

I rarely if ever talk to her about it as I know it’s my issue and I don’t want her to feel bad especially when she is doing nothing wrong. I am now at the point where I feel like life would be easier if I left the relationship that way I wouldn’t have to feel this way again. Some days I feel despair and like my head could explode. I just don’t know how to change it. I have seen a psychologist in the past which helps but if I see one she will know why and be hurt which I don’t want to do. 

Has anyone else felt like this and learned to live with it or could give me any advice? Any and all would be appreciated 

Thank you 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Us humans have DNA that can't be changed. We have inherited characteristics that is really hard to change most are impossible and we have learned behaviour from family, friends, TV etc that can be changed with commitment.

Jealousy is likely learned behaviour from childhood and can involve trust issues from insecurity. 

So you have insight that it's a problem you have, however a sound relationship is one where your partner is willing to assist you with this problem.

Such help could include reassurance, acknowledging actions that cause you to worry (eg closing phone as you get near) and transparency on movements.

She is not going to find the process easy as she's likely to feel mistrusted so her understanding about your problem is essential.

Hence a relationship counsellor is needed so there's no misunderstanding. 

I hope that help.

TonyWK 

[PB7193]

Thank you for the advice Tony it always good to get a fresh perspective and I think that you are more than likely that couples counselling would be beneficial. I am just trying to find a way to bring it up with her without her getting hurt or offended. She has had an abusive relationship when she was young with someone who was very controlling so it is understandable when she gets upset if I say anything hence why I try my best to keep it to myself, the only problem is it eats at me no matter how much I try and ignore my feelings. 
Something has to give as I really don’t like feeling like this and living this way 

[white knight]

Hi

Re: "She has had an abusive relationship..."  That changes things a little. Looking for the ideal is different for every human as we all have different sensitivity levels and trauma from the past.

I had to "train" my wife to say "now dont get upset when I say this but..."  It was preparing me for an announcement like "I've been made redundant from my full time position down to part time but its ok I'll work 25 hours at a higher rate". Without that first line my fears would overtake me.

I think the ideal way for approaching your wife is to actually describe what its like for you to be possessive. Do this in a positive manner  eg tell her how much you love her and her beauty and character is the reason why you never want to lose her, that it would tear your heart out. That you are aware it might cause some minor smothering and over concern but its all love for her that causes it. Give her assurances that at a party or gathering that you might leave company to join her talking to other guys because you have fear that one of them might make a move on her, that you trust her completely but you dont trust them.

The fact is that many women dont have the long term interest from their partners, they wouldnt know what its like to be loved so much. So as time goes on there might develop situations with other ladies in your and your wifes presence that signal their envy that she has a husband that loves her so much. Capitalise on that and later ask your wife if she felt the loneliness of that friend tonight. 

In the meantime try to encourage your wife to step out alone for short periods like window shopping, meeting up with a friend etc. When that happens try to occupy your time productively like gardening or hobbies. An idle mind creates nervousness. So slowly train yourself to give her space. When she arrives home try not to tell her you want to know who she was with etc, just ask her if she had a good time. Such space is part of making her happy. Torture for you, happiness for her. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

Tell me your thoughts

TonyWK