I'm new here

[Dwings]

Hi
I'm new here and was recommended to join the forums. I dont know where to start. I'm in my mid 30s, still single, and recently Ive felt so depressed that I can't do anything. Friday just felt like the worst day ever and I haven't been any better since. Its like a whole bomb was dropped on me. My account was overdrawn, I keep getting rejected, people take advantage of me. I feel like there is no way out of this. I felt this way last year and though I could deal with it but it just keeps coming back. I tried making plans and changing but it just keeps failing. Ive had the worst bad luck

[smallwolf]

I hope you don't mind and I have more on this topic... Have you or are you speaking with a professional? Or are you a DIY type person?

Talk more later with you on the above.

[Dwings]

I havent been able to speak to someone face to face. In other cases, I try to deal with this myself, by drinking alcohol constantly to relieve any pain, however I decided to give up for a month. Also I try and move on quickly by continuing the online dating, however for some reason its too hard to handle lately, maybe because I thought this person was perfect for me, but obviously she's not interested.

[smallwolf]

Are there other possibilities for her not responding?

Bogged down with work perhaps.

Is it worth sending a follow up message?

Hope you are going ok with giving up drinking. It is a strong move. Does it mean you recognise drinking as a form of self medication?

Are there walking groups in your area? Perhaps you could start a group. Put an ad out somewhere looking for people to walk with. On Facebook even. Sometimes it is good to have a sounding board to throw ideas against. There are really no bad ones. Not the only reason but partly why I see a psychologist, to find ways of dealing with negative thoughts and ways to process them.

Anyway, I don't want to throw more questions at you so I will leave it there.

[Dwings]

The possibilities are that she is not interested in me, found someone more interesting, perhaps my last message was too much for her I dont know. I dont believe she would have other priorities. She's a teacher, its school holidays and we're in lockdown, what else could you do during this time? I shouldve seen it coming though based on previous experiences. Plus she used to message every day but I felt there was something wrong when the messages werent as frequent as before. I felt like I done something wrong and I cannot fix it. What am I supposed to say to her in my next message if she doesn't reply this week? She might keep ignoring me. I try not to think too much about it but again I can barely sleep knowing this was my last hope.

Alcohol has played a big part in helping me get through but because I'm not drinking for a month, it seems so hard.

I dont think those group ideas would work. Lately I dont have a lot of motivation to do anything.

You can throw as many questions as you can.

[smallwolf]

My wife used to be a teacher. Holidays were not really the case and typically getting ready for next term, including class prep etc. Sort of working from home. But I can see where you are coming from when the number of messages or replies drop.

I don't necessarily think you had done anything wrong. When you put yourself out there and you don't get a reply I am sure would be upsetting. And lead to negative thoughts about the situation.

As for what you could ask...

Hey didn't hear from you for a while. What are you up to? Hope you are ok. Let me know.

Something along those lines? I know very about the online dating world. Though I suspect that a number of negative results feed each other.

Do your family and friends know what you are going through?

[Dwings]

I havent told anybody else, not even my family or close friends. What happened in February I told my close mate, he was angry for me and gave me support. At least then I knew this other person decided to cut contact. This certain dating app you can tell in the messages that a person is not interested.

With the recent app, you cant tell if the person has read the message or stopped talking. Perhaps I can use that sort of message but I dont know when I should reply. She may or may not respond to my message. This waiting period is eating me up and I cannot sleep. Can I ask if many reply back after that sort of message?

Ive used dating applications on and off for while but since 2019 I got right into and I can tell you that I have probably had 4 dates face to face and twice I have been rejected without any sort of reason. There's so many times where other girls have decided to not message me after a good conversation. The more this keeps happening, the more I'm starting to believe I will be alone forever and the future looks very dark

To be rejected really sucks. I try to be positive but I feel angry, unmotivated to do things, not listening to people when they try and talk to me. Its not fair

[Nelson_L]

Hi Geof,

I have been facing issues like anxiety depression and others things esp when I have to do something new.
Luckily I know that the emotions pass away and it’s just for some time.
I am here to know more and how I can handle these situations better.

Also be part of forum and be motivated by each other’s stories

nelson

[smallwolf]

There are stories by others on the forums who to chat about their experiences with online dating apps. And over time I will do a little Google search to find out more, such as success rate of dating apps.

Some things to ponder ...

Not everyone goes to a dating app for the same reasons. It would be logical to think everyone has the same reasons as ourselves but...

Men and women act or respond differently to these apps with men tending to spread the chips to borrow an analogy.

Do you go their thinking the first match would be the one? Or treat it like real life and just start with small talk?

As for when you reply... Maybe after a week?

But I would feel that not getting any real success, however you define that, would be frustrating and demoralising.

While I have a FB account I hardly use it. When you put something out there I would wonder if people liked it, when would they see it. There are people I know who take days to respond to a SMS. For some reason my work requires me to provide instant feedback. And that carries into other areas of my life. Similarly waiting for a result of anything can also tie my stomach in knots.

LAstley, on people not responding...it would be nice if others could provide you with some sort of closure rather than just not responding. My own though here is that it is easier to not reply. And becomes the norm. Harder to do in person. However that not replying can make the mind wander for the person sending the message.

Not sure if any of this helps. Keen to chat more however.

[Dwings]

Thank you for that smallwolf

Not having a response hurts, especially when you thought you had a connection with that person. Plenty of times I have been ghosted, ignored or rejected and I haven't been able to follow up with another message, but I will take your advise and message her again in a few days, assuming she hasn't responded by then, but only a small message as you said. I'm really hoping she can communicate again, even if its just friends.

I mean it started as a small chat but they grew each time and told each other so much, it made me feel so good inside and I was confident every day. But having to wait and wait makes me anxious and hard to concentrate on other times, so many unanswered questions, was I was too much, what did I do wrong. Its been happening for a long time.

I go on those dating apps to hopefully meet the one, because in person I have failed so many times, maybe because I'm not too confident in person I dont know. I'm try so much and I feel like its never going to work, no matter what I do.

I dont like comparing my life to others sometimes but I see people around me meet the right person, get married, have kids, move house, it gets me down so much because my life is still the same, still single, same job and not heading in the right direction. What am I doing wrong?

[smallwolf]

Can you tell me more about not moving in the right direction and being in the same job?

and I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Struggling? Yes. But that can be attributed to what is happening around you and how you see them.

You also mentioned in your initial post about people taking advantage of you. There are a few things happening that may be contributing to how you are feeling? I am not sure what is most important to you.

Slightly unrelated I am a people pleaser. My psychologist suggested I rock the boat and see what happens. I also had to chat with my boss about what was going on, asserting boundaries etc.

Some things I would work out by reading. If you like reading there are some books I could suggest you look at? Just a thought.