I guess this is hello.

[Reaperbird]

Hey everyone, I'm new here.

I'm a 24 year old who has Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, PTSD, and Avoidant Personality Disorder. (I know, it's a lot.)
I went through a lot of trauma and abuse growing up, right up until I finally managed to move out of home at age 21. The past 4 years have been tough, been trying to unlearn two decades of crap, and just trying to figure out where I fit in the world.

Right now, I'm living in my own place. I still talk to some of my family, even if things are often tense. But considering everything that has happened, I'm doing okay I guess. The only major things going on is, I have a chronic pain condition (fibromyalgia) and I'm incredibly isolated and lonely. Apparently growing up in neglect and abuse has left me with very little social skills, and even less confidence. I feel like an alien around other people. I wouldn't even know where to start at making (and keeping) friends. I seem to ruin my chances with my own paranoia and general weirdness. 😕

Actually I'm turning 25 at the end of this month. Feels like a wake up call. I don't have any friends, my family and I don't get along, and I'm unemployed (looking for work) because I'm sick so I'm very limited in what I can do. I don't really have any goals either, well nothing substantial, everything feels kind of pointless or too hard. I have no one to talk to, no where to go... I don't know what my next step is, to what I want in life. I feel very lost.

That aside, some random tidbits about myself: I'm agender, I have a blue fighting fish called Fishsticks, I like games and anime, I sometimes draw and write, I'm the weird animal-person that greets stray cats, and I waste too much of my time on the internet. 😛

So yeah, that's all I think. If you have any questions, feel free. 🙂

 PS. Sorry if this is long, I have a habit of writing way too much when I'm nervous. >_<

[Kazzl]

Hi Reaperbird, welcome to the forum. It's nice to meet you. You've been through a lot eh? And it's very hard dealing with physical and mental issues at the same time, especially on your own. Well, you're not alone here, there are a lot of people who understand.

Have you checked out the board for young people? I think you might find others with similar   interests (I'm getting on a bit, although I think I know what anime is ☺️).

I think you  also have a lot to offer others on the forum - insights and understanding about some very hard stuff.

So welcome, mate, please read around and join in wherever you wish.

Cheers

Kaz

[Reaperbird]

Hey Kazzl, and thankyou. It's nice to meet you too. 🙂

Yeah, I suppose I have. And yes, it can be a struggle, if it isn't one causing trouble, then it's the other. And if it's both then I pretty much consider that day a bust. I swear I spend more time recovering than anything else. >_<

I have checked out some of the forums, been lurking here and there, and tried to help out where I could. I'm not very good at giving advice, but I like to help if I am able to.
Uh, well I could try and meet others on here to just talk to. I'm not sure if I'm that interesting though. Then again, my confidence is pretty much non-existent so I don't know. See what happens I guess.

Yeah, I can cope with some pretty tough topics a lot of people might find hard. I've been in situations myself where I couldn't talk about my trauma because it affected, or triggered, others too much. So I understand a bit what some people are going through with that, and will try and be supportive if i can. Again, I'm terrible with advice, but I'll do what I can. I always like to help others if I'm able. ^_^

Thanks again, and yeah I will. 🙂

[geoff]

dear Reaperbird, it's been very tough too tough for you with a complex of conditions which no one would ever want, so you don't know what direction to turn to, because your jumping up and down on the one spot which doesn't get you ahead at all, and this seems to be what's happening.

Any advice you give to other people always could feel as though it doesn't mean anything to that person, but that's wrong, because it's not so much how you feel when helping someone else, it's how that particular person accepts what you have told them, and that's what counts.

At the moment struggling by yourself shouldn't be an option, and I know that you hate disclosing how you feel, but I really suggest seeing your doctor, and please don't be tempted not to go, because you fear that any circumstances may back fire on you, but that's how people who feel the same when they need to see their doctor, because once you get a connection and understanding between the both of you then you have your first mate, female or male. just take it slowly. Geoff.

[Durras]

Hi Reaperbird,

I'm going to be very quick here cause I'm having my worst down day at the moment with my depression.

Just want to say I understand where your coming from, I myself came from a verbally abusive home, well my parents always putting me down, saying I won't do well, I will end up in the gutter or in jail.

I have extremely low confidence and social skills, I hate talking to people face to face as I get really nervous and think that they will think I am stupid, or dumb or weird etc. Understand with feeling like an alien as I feel I don't fit into the community around me.

I will leave it at that for now, sorry I haven't given you anything positive but just want to let you know your not alone with how your feeling.

All the best, keep in touch and nice to meet you.

Hug to you

Durras

[Reaperbird]

@ Geoff : Yeah it can be overwhelming. One thing can trigger off another and next thing I know I'm in a heap.

Yeah, I guess so. I sort of worry I'll say the wrong thing or give bad advice. I don't want to make things worse or upset anyone.

I have seen my doctor, just I'm in a small town so my options are limited. I did have a counselor but as soon as I mentioned my sexuality, they refused to see me again. They kept ignoring my calls, and making up excuses not to see me. I've been a bit anxious to find someone else for support, I don't want to be shunned again like that. It really hurt.

Nice to meet you by the way, and thanks for the reply.

@Durras : Hey. That's okay. I hope you better soon, or at least get to take it easy until then.

Yeah, same. When I was born my mum had bad depression and I guess she took it out on me, my whole childhood she accused me of being born only to hurt her, and that I was evil. I grew up believing I was a horrible person that didn't deserve kindness or to even live unless I always put others first, regardless of what they did to me.
I was bullied, manipulated, abused, and hurt for most of my life, by friends and family, and I often blamed myself for how I was treated because I didn't think I was a good person, so therefore I thought I deserved it.

My mum doesn't treat me like that anymore. Turns out she had no confidence in herself, and so saw me as a failure too. She still says hurtful things sometimes, but I'm assertive with her now. I won't let her use me as a punching bag anymore.
I've also learned that the abuse I endured from my dad and step dad was not "normal parental punishment," but physical, mental and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. I've had lots of counseling for that too, and got compensation for some of the things that happened.

So yeah. 3 parents and not one of them was good for me. They always put me down, punished me for everything, humiliated me, bullied me, invalidated me, and told me on a daily basis that I was worthless. Then I'd go to school, and get bullied by all the kids. Because home life affected how I was at school

Things have improved, a lot actually. But it's still really hard for me to talk to others. I always think I'll mess up, or hurt someone, or they'll hurt me. It's really hard to trust people, or myself. I still feel worthless.
So yeah, basically what you said. It can be hard.

All the best for you too, and it's okay. I appreciate it still.

Thankyou, nice to meet you too *hugs*

 PS. Sorry it's long!