My story.

[Mimi1979]

Hi everyone,  i thought I'd properly introduce myself. Especially seeing my first post was quite a heavy one made in desperation.  

Ive since made a couple of other lighter post but i can honestly say. ..this is the BEST forum. Im so thankful that ive discovered this safe place. 

I've had issues for most of my life. Where do i begin? 

Im 36, female, very happily married with 2 kiddos.

My parents split when i was 5. I am the youngest of 3.

My dad was violent to my mum (which was in clear view of myself and my siblings) . Both my parents were and are alcoholics. They CONSTANTLY fought. They had a very messy marriage, breakup and divorce which included custody battles, mind games  (from my dad) and many visits to social workers. when i was 10 my dad decided to kidnap me.  He then made me call my mum to tell her i wasnt coming home.  

As i got older. ..my teen years things seemed alot easier. I became my own person.  I was a good girl. Scared to do anything wrong.  Or scared to make others hate me.  As long as i was friends with everyone it was good. I HATE conflict or confrontation or being bad.

My mums drinking got worse and at times rather embarrassing as my friends used to see it. 

I got married at 19. Best thing i ever did. 

17 years later I'm still happily married to the same man. My rock, my love.  

My mum is in and out of rehab (in fact she's there right this moment). My sister is a heavy drinker and in denial about her drinking.  My nanna has bipolar and a few years back my mum was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. 

My anxiety seems to be getting worse as i get older.  Im on an anitdepressant. I get panicky, insomnia, tired and breathless. I suffer from anxiety attacks. My psychologists says I have PTS. I get days where im 100% fine then i get days where the world is just too much.  I find it much safer lying under my warm doona. Noone can judge, get angry, demand, offend or look at me.   I find i can't deal with loss or rejection...when i do i fall apart. Literally.  Im fragile and when i need to stand up for myself i stuff up by saying all the wrong things.  

I've always been selfconscious.  One min i feel quite confident other times i feel like the worse, dumbest most ugliest human on earth.

I thought id just get that off my chest.  I've summerized my life very much...this is a very small brief on my life.

I'm happy ive found this place. ..this forum is a life saver. Thankyou for listening. 

[white knight]

Hi Mimi, welcome again

I hope I can help.

My sister and I no longer have a relationship with our mother. She is undiagnosed but I know what she has and she is in denial. All our lives she ruined everything even my wedding. It's been 6 years soon since we had contact. She is 84yo and has left a train wreck everywhere she went.

We thought the emotional blackmail was normal actions by our mother, threats, getting our father to belt us when he arrived home yet she was laughing 2 minutes before he arrived. And so on.

Then I was told by a friend to google "witch hermit queen waif" the four character are what some chronic BPD people become. You are their toy that they can manipulate, forcing siblings apart, using your father as a weapon. And so on.

With having a mental illness comes the greater need to better your life, taking away as much anxiety as possible, finding a peaceful lifestyle and home environment (I moved to the country!!), seeking a more relaxed job preferably working alone, seeking out spiritual contentment, fine tuning medication, researching articles on the topics and removing toxic people from your life. Essentially a cocktail of remedies not just one fix.

Now my wife and I live peacefully. 5 years ago we heard my mother was going to ruin our wedding. In 1985 she ruined my first wedding. Without going into details she displayed excess jealousy. The spotlight wasn't on her- simple. Years later I was working shiftwork and drove 5 hours to her unit, spent 24 hours straight painting walls and ceiling and collapsed on the floor. Days later I heard she told my sister that one wall wasn't perfect. Yes, that's because I ran out of paint and energy. It is but one example of a woman I'd never please. She was never proud of us. I had been a RAAF airman, prison officer, security guard and private investigator. Volunteer for the victims of crime and so on. I am a good man but I don't feel it. My mother has programmed my sister and I to feel bad about ourselves.

Have a read on google and read read read. There are also hundreds of articles her eon this site.

Tony WK

[Mimi1979]

Wow...white king! What an amazing post. Thankyou.  

I googled that and i can definitely see my mum as the 'waif' with a touch of hermit. Always the victim that needs rescuing...even at a cost to my health..my siblings and i even used to share paying her rent!!!!!! At a loss to us all who have families.

I don't know though. ..i feel the main problem has been my father. I do believe if he never met my mother at such a young age and married her,  my mum would be a very different person now. He broke her.

Ever since i turned 16 i never had anything to do with him.  That was the legal age i could make my own choices and he had no say.  I no longer 'had' to see him.  He only paid $1 in chid support cos he always felt i should be living with him and not my mum so he did this to punish us. My mum struggled. It Was more about him winning though than actually wanting us.   He put my mum in hospital so many times. This man want invited to my wedding.  My gorgeous big brother walked me down the Isle and gave me away.  He was more of a father to me than my dad will ever be. 

The really really annoying thing is after 17 years and two children later my dad is old. He has settled down. He now wants a proper relationship with me. He's been very nice.  But i cant.

He probably has changed. He probably is a nice person now but im in soooo much pain as an adult...still suffering from the pain he caused that i just can't let him in.  I feel it has caused alot of my fears and insecurities. Im happy with my little family unit my husband and I have made...i dont  need him anymore. I needed him 30 years ago. i needed this nice man when i was 10. Not now.

Does this make me a narcissistic person?  Does this make me a bad person? 

????????

[Elizabeth CP]

NO!! You are NOT bad or narcissistic or any other horrible labels. Not wanting to see your dad is about protecting yourself and staying/feeling safe. Regardless of how 'nice he is now I imagine anyone who had been treated like you would  be reminded of the pain and trauma from the past every time you had contact with him and you don't deserve that. You need to care for yourself & your family (children & husband) and that means staying away from your dad. 

[white knight]

Hi Mimi

No, it makes you a protective person, to protect what you have worked hard to develop from a sad life to a happy one. It is your choice totally. And the individual in your situation cant make that choice. Some migt give him a chance, that's them not you.

The only real benefit might be if you have too many question you need answered eg  "why did you never pay child support"?  But you already know why, because he was possessive and used that possessiveness to justify his lack of responsibility.

My girls were 7 and 4yo when my marriage ended. I paid every cent on time for 14 years. I even paid $14000 towards my youngest daughters jaw realignment and teeth issues. And guess what- she doesn't want a relationship with me. She has been totally brainwashed. My eldest is a darling to me. She is 26yo and a teacher and I'll give her away at her wedding in January 2017.

So I like you have a life. And its better with our lives without the toxics destroying it.

Well done to you. You have guts and you are a protector. That means you know whats best.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Dear Mimi

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. I would be concerned if you thought he had some right to be in your life. So no, keeping him at arms length is a protective measure for you and your family.

You are working with a psychologist to reduce your PTSD and help you to feel better about yourself and your life. You sound as though you recognise all the difficulties involved in going through this process. I am certain it will be/is painful at times. Sometimes it seems as though you have got everything figured out in your head and you feel comfortable, and then it all goes pear shaped and you are back in the depression. Not pleasant and often discouraging. Can you hold on to the thought that it will pass and you will heal.

I'm sad to say this but you will feel hurt as you process the abuse you received. Try not to look too far ahead in your treatment but look at the next step only. Trying to predict what will happen causes anxiety and stops you concentrating on the here and now. Now, is where you need to be. Other "stuff" will emerge in due course and you can deal with it then. Try and remember when you catch yourself looking too far ahead that this does not need examining now and go back to a more fruitful activity.

You may like to read other threads on this topic and see what others have to say and how they cope. Those who have been there are in the best place to support you.

Mary