Hi

[StgCrw]

Hi.
I wrote several long posts for other parts of the forum and deleted them nearly immediately, so I thought I’d start by just introducing myself.

I’ll try not to focus too much on what I’m struggling with at the moment and just tell you a bit about myself.

Tasmanian. Roadie. 30ish.
Don’t let the roadie bit put you off, it’s not like the 70’s anymore. Gone are the days of sex drugs and rock’n’ roll - mostly anyway.

These days it’s all about professionalism, technical knowledge and the ability to multitask under pressure.

Unfortunately some things haven’t changed. The ridiculously long hours, months away from home, diet of truck stop pies and complete lack of anything resembling a social life put most people off pretty fast. I’ve been a fairly quiet, introverted fellow for as long as I can remember, many would call me a loner. Lately it’s taking a toll on even me though. Or maybe it’s just fatigue. Probably both.

I try and do landscape photography in my spare time. being based in Tasmania means there is no end of possibilities when I want to go and look for something new. Sadly lately my car is knackered which is cramping my style and I’m struggling to drum up the motivation to get out there.

I try hard to not just photograph the same tired instagram locations and do my own thing. There’s no artistic merit and no satisfaction to be had in taking the same shot that’s been done a thousand times before.
Sadly a lot of these places that I hold so dear are directly threatened by climate change - the thought of watching them inevitably deteriorate over the coming decades is heartbreaking.

so, that’s me in a nut(case)shell.

Hope you all are doing OK and whatever brings you here is not taking too much of a toll.

[therising]

Hi StgCrw

Nice to meet you!

I admire you greatly for your sensitivity to detail (aspects of your job and that which comes with photography). Just bought my 17yo daughter a camera for Christmas as my goal is to have her become more sensitive to her surroundings, something that can't be achieved with the distraction of a mobile phone. I wish everyone would be more sensitive to the finer details of what life offers.

There's definitely lots of things that can leave us feeling drained and unless we're keyed in on exactly how to recharge, we can end up really feeling the low in a number of ways. Definitely lots of natural ways to recharge. Being a photographer (spending time outdoors), you'd know the benefits of solar power. Nothing quite like putting your face up to the sun to actually feel life (the warmth it offers as well as the vitamin D). Hydro power is definitely an important one seeing our cells rely on it for optimum function. Nuclear - I suppose it's both an internal cellular thing as well as involving that which comes from the ground. I believe, the benefits of healthy food aren't explained well enough to folk. Food these days is marketed more on the basis of lifestyle rather than education. There are some great documentaries around these days though. Kinetic energy, being energy that creates energy, involves something you'd be able to relate to through the actions in your job as well as photography. Action holds the potential to fully charge us.

As physicists say 'We are energy in motion'. How to charge up and power down is a masterful art. Being sensitive, although feeling like a curse sometimes, actually has many benefits. Being highly sensitive myself, I find my intuition is pretty tuned into my energy. It'll want to motivate me and typically does so as long as I'm not challenging it or thinking my way out of it. Something in me that says 'Have a glass of water' can lead me to resemble a crazy person arguing between 2 minds ('Drink the water' vs 'No, I can't be bothered getting up off the seat'). Sensitivity is a gift as long as we follow the cues. Always feel better once the argument is over and I've drunk the water 🙂

Curious to know whether you're a pretty intuitive person yourself. Most people who are sensitive to detail are. They also tend to be daydreamers; you know those folk who tend to stare off into space a little.

Good to hear from you. Take care 🙂

[StgCrw]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I don’t think of myself as being particularly intuitive. Most often I get described as being mechanically minded. If I am going to use something I need to know how it works first.

I totally agree with your point though regarding listening to what your body and/or mind need you to do.
How do you deal with it however when you are unable to give it what it needs?

[Hanna3]

Hi StgCrw,

I just wanted to welcome you to BB! I haven't been here that long myself and I've found it takes a little while to learn your way around. I'm sure others will come along and give you some support, but I did want to give you a welcome at least.

Is the problem the isolation and long hours of the job, meaning that you're tired from it and would like to do something else? Or you're just feeling tired and fed up with it at the moment? It sounds like your photography is a great help and it's a fantastic thing to do - my father used to develop his own photographs (now I'm showing my age a bit!) in a darkroom he built in the garage - as a kid I used to think it was like magic watching the image appear on the papers as he carefully placed them in water. I still have some of his lovely black and white and sepia photographs.

I met a guy from Tasmania about a year ago when I was living in a coastal town up in the sub-tropics of Australia who was feeling fed up and was boating his way all the way up the coast to Queensland - I thought what a great thing to do, just him and his little dog.

Anyway I'm sure others will come along and chat to you, do look around the forums too and I've found this a very helpful and supportive place, it takes a little while to get to know people but once you do it's a great help. Everyone here will give you whatever help/support etc they can. I'll check back in tomorrow and see how you're going. Best wishes and welcome again to BB.

[StgCrw]

Thanks for the welcome Hanna3.

I will try and come up with a better response for you this evening, for now I gotta get myself off to work.

[StgCrw]

The issue, as you say, isolation (loneliness), over work (my next day off is mid February), a hefty dose of depression and suicidal ideation.
There’s good and bad days of course. The most minor thing going amiss can put me in a real bad place for days/weeks. This has been going on for about a year.

I can say precisely when it started too. I took on too much, 3 back to back multi-day music festivals. 8 am to 3am, 8 days straight, doing the work of 3 people. On the last one I dropped the ball in a big way. I was forced to ask for help before the whole gig fell apart. I did eventually get assistance, but not before I basically broke.

For the rest of the week I spent my days alternating between sleeping a lot, deep embarrassment, sadness and anger at having being put in that position.

It’s especially frustrating since I distinctly remember enjoying what I do, and being able to cope with the lifestyle without much issue, but now it feels as though a switch has been flipped and there’s no satisfaction left in it.

On a lighter note though, I’ve always admired those with the skill and patience required for darkroom photography work. That sounds like you’ve made some fond memories with your father doing that.

As for that fella who sailed up the east coast, ha ha what a character. Don’t tempt me. I have a small dinghy with sails, but it’s not exactly suitable for offshore waters.

[Hanna3]

Hi StgCrw, if you are feeling so very bad do please phone the lifeline number which is at the top of the BB website and you'll get immediate help from someone by phone.

It sounds like burnout doesn't it, like everything has really got on top of you and you're feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and very depressed. I'm not equipped to help if you're feeling really very low and hope someone else will come on who can help, but please do phone Lifeline for assistance if you need it they are incredibly helpful people.

First of all, know that anyone here will give what support, help and advice they can. It's a really safe place and great that you've come here. You're clearly at a really low point, I've been there too, hang on you can get out of that hole you're in!

Hang around and someone better equipped than me will come on and give you some support and help. Just know that I'm sorry you are feeling clearly wretched, tired out, and need a break and support and a listening ear. Hang in there my friend others will come along and chat to you.

[StgCrw]

I’m not having any immediate crisis, but it’s very helpful to have got that out in the open even in an anonymous setting like this, so thank you very much for being that person.

[Hanna3]

Hi back again Stg, have tried to get someone on to give you a bit more help than I can, so hopefully someone will turn up.

I don't suppose you have any mates/friends/family you can talk to about how you are feeling (or I guess you wouldn't be here if you did). Sounds like a lonely job you have, I never really thought about whether being a truckie would be lonely but I get now that it could be. Also the hours you have to work are antisocial aren't they.

Yes that guy sailing up the coast had a boat and must have known his stuff to travel that far, but it sure is a nice idea isn't it? Is there any chance you could take a break/time out/holiday? Would that help you to recharge a bit? It sound like the photography is a great interest (and yes I do have fond memories of my Dad working in the darkroom and me a little kid in awe watching it all!)

So know that you're not alone here, and do let me know anything that you think might help? Do you have any thoughts of what might help you? I think a counsellor on the phone might be a really good start, but do stay around BB too as others should come by and give you some help. Cheers mate and I'll check back in later.

[Hanna3]

My pleasure StgCrw, it's what everyone here is here for - to get support and give support too. Sometimes just venting what's wrong helps! If you get used to navigating around a bit you'll find you get to know some regulars and they become friends that you can chat with regularly and will help you. I haven't been on here that long and I already know several people to chat to, it really helps when you're feeling down. Sometimes just the BB Café and the silly games are a release from anxiety/worry/depression.

People come and go at different times here so check back on as sometimes replies come through at all hours. Cheers Mate!