Hi everyone

[boscan]

Hi everyone, my name is Mike.

I have depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed about 6 years ago now. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about 3 years now. And also been seen a psychologist on and off for about 5 years. For the past 9-12 months or so I've been feeling ok, and didn't feel the need to see my psychologist. So I haven't been to see them. I'm in a good relationship for the first time in my life, and I was feeling pretty ok.

I work full time in a pretty stressful large company/environment, and I've not told anyone about my illness. The field I work in is very technical and requires continual learning and updating of skills. I'm finding lately I'm really struggling to keep up with it all.  I get all anxious about this stuff, can't concentrate on learning new things or focus on my job. Then I get depressed, which is where I'm starting to head towards I think.

I've always suffered with the imposter syndrome in my life, but I'm really at a point now where I'm questioning my value in my job, as person, if I'm of any use in general. I start looking for other work and start talking my self out of them, as I know I won't be any good at them.

I'm hoping I talking about this a bit and hearing others experiences will be a good way to see things in a different way. I've never really discussed my condition with anyone other than help professionals, so this is a mighty big step.

Thank you all in advance for allowing me on hear. I hope sharing my experiences too might be of some use?

Thanks

Mike

[Paul]

Hey Mike,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums!

I can see a bit of a circle happening that might be feeding itself and perpetuating. You mentioned that you've been having difficulties lately keeping up with the learning required in your job. Interestingly you say that you get all anxious about this stuff. Does that mean that the anxiety was there first and that made it difficult to learn the new stuff which caused anxiety and made it more difficult?

I can see how this can then get you down and lead to a bit of a downhill run.

So the imposter syndrome only prevented you being able to self praise and feel satisfaction with your achievements at work, but lately it's expanded to you questioning your value in your job, ability, worth and usefulness as a human?

No one at work knows and you don't talk to anyone about depression and anxiety.

Mike, that's quite a bucket full of stuff to carry on your shoulders! I'm glad you reached out on here, it can be difficult, but it's rewarding because we understand what it's like to hide and not want to talk about things, not know who to trust to talk about things. The thing is. it's so helpful to have family or friends around you who understand the struggle, even if you just say "I'm feeling pretty crap today" it can help.

Going back to the start of your post and I guess the issue that was at the front of your mind, anxiety and learning at work. Do you know which came first? If it was anxiety can you backtrack in your mind and see if there are any events or thoughts that stir up the anxiety?

If it was work and not being able to learn the new things, what changed there? Was there a particular incident or something about the work that changed and made it tough for you? Are you not enjoying it anymore because of its dynamic nature or just because you don't enjoy it. Could it be that absense of praise from yourself and managers is making it difficult?

I had a really tough time at my last job 3 years ago. I had worked with the products of the company, worked for companies they own now and was CEO of the company that owned the products they merged with. I got a 5 year service recognition certificate handed to me at my desk by the CEO's personal assistant. I said to her it should be 15 years. long story short My years of service were never properly recognised despite the CEO and I having known each other for the 15 years. That caused me a lot of heartache and angst.

Difficulties at work can be very pervasive.

Paul