Hey (warning: bad depressions)

[Guest927]

hi, my name's Juliette.
(Y'know it's bad when you accidentally post a 2499 character post before your introduction. And that's not even scraping the top. I am so sorry about that.)

But yeah. I got major depression, general and social anxiety going on 3 years now. Have been in hospital once (best 2 weeks of my life). Currently looking for more diagnoses to make me feel less like an absolute pile of useless nothing, but so far haven't really got any. Just like....one symptom from each. Illness cocktail moment.

'Sorry', 'idk', and 'i hate myself' are 90% of my vocab.

Came here because I have no-one else to talk to. My one best friend really needs some time when i am not ranting, I may have procured a very unhelpful team of psychologists and psychiatrists, and I can't talk to my family even if they are very supportive.

No meds but fruiting want them. Very much trapped. Suicidal, never attempted. Self harm almost every day. Hate every part of myself. Used to enjoy writing g/t before my depression made it bad.

Fun fact: I get super lucid dreams, i can't control them consistently yet. But can feel everything and make choices. It's very sick being spiderman 😉 Getting your hands cut off by doc ock is not so fun.

Good to be here.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Phoenix6

Thanks for sharing whats going on for you.

It sounds like you've gone through alot and still feel like you're struggling. We're concerned about your thoughts of suicide and daily self harm, so we are sending a private email to check in with you. Please check your inbox.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 
If thoughts of self harm or suicide have in fact returned to you today, where you feel like acting on those thoughts, then this is an emergency, and you should call 000 immediately.

We trust that online members will stop by and provide some additional support here also.

[Petal22]

Hi phoenix6,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you have been feeling this way.

You have come to the right place, we are a very caring supportive community and we are here to listen to you.

[Guest927]

i say its good to be here but it's not good. i don't even know why i joined. i don't go well with any group mental health stuff. i'm embarrassed and ashamed. and half the time don't even know what i'm saying. and i already start feeling like a burden here just like everywhere else. i joined so it would be better for my friend but it's not because i'd still rather talk to her. i really can't do anything right can i..maybe groups just aren't for me.
i'm sorry if this is in the wrong section.

[Guest_1643]

Hey phoenix

Welcome

I've had attempts at my life, and similar to u found hospital surprisingly a good and safe experience when I was admitted a while back.

I was interested that u are looking for more diagnoses...they can be a mixed bag and sometimes they feel so arbitrary and even limiting. But I admit getting a diagnosis soothed something for me. Although I continue to hold it lightly....

It's up to u how u use this space but Ur not a burden to me personally and I enjoyed reading up vivid and honest reflection.

I'm sure others can connect.

I do censor myself here and every so often get anxious about posting my pain, but over time, and gradually, I've been able to share and connect through this space. I hope u feel OK here and warm and open welcome

[geoff]

Hello Phoenix, people find posting on a site like this to be embarrassing, to open up and tell them how you are feeling, but it's anonymous, and when you make a comment, then people will reply, but that doesn't mean you have to reply to everyone, you can choose who you want to talk to, something like with your girlfriend.

The trouble with the friends we have is that they aren't sure what they can say to you all the time because it may not help you, so they tend to not be available, this is disappointing, so on a site like you can open up as much as you like and talk with those who have been down this horrible road themselves and offer suggestions as well as support.

It's not necessarily a group, this is a thread you have created and only those who want to reply back to you, will do so, and more importantly, it's people who want to listen to what you want to say, so it's like having a couple of friends who understand and want to support you through this.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest927]

i feel very crazy and unable to be understood after these years (especially this year). So diagnoses and technical terms make me feel more understandable to my psychologist...doesn't work though.

[Guest_1643]

Interesting, thanks for sharing. Tbh,. I felt q bit triggered hearing u write that u feel crazy.... I don't think pplmwjth diagnoses are crazy. I think diagnoses are kinda crazy and arbitrary at times !

I want to be understood and know how hard it is to explain to others. Many ppl habe dual diagnoses or get given different diagnoses through their life time.

I hope u are OK.

[Guest927]

oh im sorry

[Guest927]

I don't need anyone to respond. I just want to write this here for myself (and not to the void cause then I feel pathetic)

I don't know why i don't work in group mental health situations. As soon as it's become apparent I've done something wrong I feel worse. As well as the fact I often just feel worse from writing it. I wish I was different. You guys are all really nice. It's just me. And I was already feeling guilty cause I never have any advice to share and reading anyone elses things immediately makes me invalidate and hate myself.