Helpless wife

[Dayna22]

Hello everyone, thank you for letting me join this group.

I am looking for some guidance. My husband is suffering major depression. He has moved out of our family home, which we share with our 2 young children as he says he feels uncomfortable here. I will add that he’s a FIFO worker. His roster is 2 weeks away, 2 weeks home. He has moved into a donga on his parents property, much like his accommodation at work.

I am terrified that he won’t come home. We do speak, but it’s nothing like it used to be. We’ve gone from speaking 3 - 4 times a day, to only talking once (if that) and it’s usually only about our children.

We were so happy and in love only a few months ago. He tells me that he still loves me and wants the feelings to come back, but feeling differently about me and doesn’t feel right when he’s with me or in our home. He feels confused because nothing feels the same anymore. He tells me everything is hard.

I am respecting his need for space, but am heartbroken. My feelings haven’t changed, I am still madly in love with him, and I miss my best friend. I miss the life I had only a few months ago.

Is this normal? Is him removing himself from the home normal, or should I worry that he won’t ever come back.

He has started seeing a psychologist (he’s only been seeing him a couple of weeks, but likes him, so I’m hopeful). He doesn’t want to give up his work, because he feels ok there, it’s when he’s home that he struggles.

He barely responds to my messages, yesterday we didn’t speak at all. What can I do? I worry if I don’t contact him he’ll think I don’t care, I worry if I do he’ll feel like I’m suffocating him.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Re: " I worry if I don’t contact him he’ll think I don’t care"

He knows you care. I would let him be as, absence makes the heart grow fonder". If it doesn't make his heart grow fonder then he is wanting to be alone.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Living 2 weeks at a time away from home being away permanently might not be hard for him.

If you leave him be, every few days send him a short text eg "I love you and care for you"

Repost updates if you like. A tough time.

TonyWK

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Dayna22,

Thank you for sharing with us and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds like this is a rough time for your husband but also for yourself. You are left with looking after the kids, the house, leading your day-to-day life and having so much of uncertainty as to what's going to happen or not happen next.
I agree with Tony, it sounds like you have shown your love and support for your husband to the fullest extent. It will not be easy for you but as much as you crave his response unfortunately you can't "make him" do it. I'm not saying that this is what you have been trying to do, more that it is really up to him to either respond or not. How would you feel about not contacting him at all and see how this goes? I also like Tony's suggestion of a simple message every now and then to re-assure him about your love and support, but not much else.

[Petal22]

Hi Dayna22,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry that you and your family are going through this I understand that it would be hard.

Im sorry that your husband has moved out of the family home.

When your husband is on site do you think he finds it easier because that’s were he works and he has a set routine and a crew that is rostered on at the same time that he feels connected to?

When he comes home he may find it hard to settle back into family life…… as much as he wants to he may ask himself the same question why he finds it hard?

Maybe try to set a little routine for yourselves….

Im glad your husband is seeing a psychologist.

Keep sending him messages telling him that yourself and the kids love him and that, will never change.

I understand this is really hard but these feelings are within him and I really hope that with the correct professional help he can recover and yourself and your kids can get their husband and dad back.

People do recover.

Just show him understanding and remind him that he’s loved and worthy.

Feel free to come back to us.

[Dayna22]

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone. Life has been such a struggle these past few months, it’s so hard to know what to say or do. There’s been a lot of things said that o regret, because I’m so frustrated and hurt, I just want my husband back.

I will give your suggestions a go, I will give him his space, and hope to god that he comes back to me.

[geoff]

Hello Dayna, sometimes we make comments that could be hurtful trying to get them to return to the household, but it's awkward when they work FIFO.

Moving out of home when your husband is depressed can be a usual occurrence, not because he doesn't love you, but because he needs time to think on his own, rather than trying to answer questions he can't respond to and working away gives him a legitimate reason as he sees to move out.

Just because he's not home there is every chance he will contact you or perhaps arrive on the doorstep to see you and the kids in desperation, but if you flood him with too much love he might not be ready for this unless he's been to counselling.

Certainly, I'm sure that's what you really want to do, just like the two children, but playing with them is different from talking to you, so once he starts to open up, let him talk as much as wants to, that's important.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[Mark Z.]

Hi Dayna,

I'm very sorry for your challenge.

When you say your husband is suffering a major depression, do you mean he is diagnosed, or he thinks so?

I can tell it's very had for you. But at least he likes his work, and he's seeing a phycologist, which means that there's hope.

I know that you care about him and worry about him, and I believe that he knows. Instead of being panic I'd suggest you to get equipped with some knowledge, it'll help you do thing right thing and feel less panic. I'd suggest you to give beyondblue hotline a call, and describe your story. You'll get some professional advice.

Hope everything will become better.

Mark