help with accessing help

[Lemmy]

40yrs old and I've recently broken up with my partner of 8 years and its pretty clear to me i'm suffering panic attacks and potentially long term depression.

i rated 'high' on the k10 test, and have made an appointment with a gp

what things will be discussed, how will it be handled and is there anything i can do to prepare? feeling anxious about it

thanks in advance

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

As promised, I’m back 🙂 I’m glad you’re using this space to offload/unload some of the inner turmoil. I think it’s good to let it out rather than to continue bottling it all up. Bottling can be very exhausting and I think painful emotions can only be suppressed for so long before it finds its way out...

Things have clearly been very rough for you. The responsibility of fixing the house and garden is a heavy burden. I wonder why that responsibility has fallen solely on you though? Perhaps I’m making wrong assumptions, but I thought you co-owned the house...

The feeling of betrayal can sting. A lot. I understand it hurts when you’ve done all you can for someone, walked and comforted them every step of the way...then to have them turn their backs on you in your time of need. I’ve been there too in the past, so I understand how much it hurts. Different situation to yours though...

I actually think it’s understandable that you’re struggling to think of happy feelings, all things considered. You are going through a lot right now after all. I imagine that there is a part of you that is grieving for the life that you had envisioned with your partner. Perhaps a feeling of loss and longing...

I think when we are struggling, sometimes staying in touch with old friends and/or making new friends can be really difficult. I suspect it’s partly because most of your emotional energy has been expended dealing with your troubles, so you have little energy left for socialising. Also, I think it’s probably particularly difficult around your old friends, because they remind you of your old life with your partner...

I think making friends can be hard at best, so it can be that much harder if a person is struggling with depression. I don’t know if this will be much help, but I wonder if just trying to find activities that you genuinely love and seeing if you can build friendships around that.

For example, rather than thinking strictly about forging new friendships, maybe take a stocktake of your interests. E.g. if you like bushwalking, maybe there’s a group that you can join where you can meet people who already have something in common with you. That’s just an example but I feel the same principle can apply to most interests...perhaps you could even use the apps that you downloaded.

That being said, there’s no rush or urgency to have it all figured out with friends, etc. You have a lot going on so in your own time, when you feel ready...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

Thanks Pepper for taking the time to reply. here are my thoughts

"why that responsibility has fallen solely on you though?" mostly because I'm bad at asking for help, also i am still living in the co-owned house where she has moved out, limiting the time she is here to sort things out. Also, my depression manifests itself as turning anger inwards, blaming myself not others for frustrations. Plus she is bad at dealing with the decision she has made i guess..

"Perhaps a feeling of loss and longing..." totally 100% accurate, also knowing that if i dealt with my depression head on earlier that things might not of escalated as much to result in her wanting to leave the relationship.

"so you have little energy left for socialising" yes,i guess this is true. also after such a long time together it is hard to be your own person again, something i have traditionally not done well with in the past. Something i hope to change in the future.

"trying to find activities that you genuinely love" this is also a good point, i have begun just that - but knowing i am working towards leaving this city and moving interstate to start a new life I am not 100% committed to new friends if i am about to leave . but its good practice for me to do some socialising and get back into the habit of meeting new people as an individual. It's hard - the depressed brain will often say that you need to be happy in order to act, whereas the opposite i know is true, act first despite how you feel, happiness will follow.

"You have a lot going on so in your own time, when you feel ready..." I think something that i am also struggling with is knowing that it WILL be better in the long run and get caught wanting to speed the process up, get to the end point and find happiness. i know its all about the journey and not the destination sometimes but the journey at the moment is dark and full of terrors, the destination is full of light and happiness - it's just taking time. and there have been moments during my insomnia filled nights that i struggle to stay positive about making it that far. I just need to come to terms with the fact that just because i am alone does not mean i am less 'whole' as a person. having been 1 half for 8+ years means its a hard transition.

I haven't slept for more than 4 hours max at a time in over 5 weeks now and its undoubtedly effecting my emotions and ability to be positive. i plan on seeing my doctor again and discussing options.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

Thanks so much for such an open and thoughtful post 🙂

I think it’s abundantly clear to me that you’re very insightful and self aware. You have a great understanding of your own thought process and behaviour, which is fantastic! I admire that a lot.

It makes sense why you’re the one getting the house ready for the sale. Thanks so much for explaining to me.

I think it’s understandably hard to become “I” again when you’re so used to “we.” That’s definitely a huge adjustment as you have already recognised.

Perhaps now it’s all about reconnecting with yourself...reconnecting with your interests and passions as an individual rather than as someone in a relationship. It’s definitely a big transition period...

I absolutely loved what you said, and to a large extent, I find this to be true for myself too:

It's hard - the depressed brain will often say that you need to be happy in order to act, whereas the opposite i know is true, act first despite how you feel, happiness will follow.

The insomnia sounds awful. I think a lack of sleep can sadly exacerbate everything else...adds additional stress to an already tired brain.

All the best at the appointment and feel free to let us know how that goes...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

thank you for your encouraging opinion on my awareness

I slept for 7 hours for 3 nights in a row!, personal record (for recent times). Most likely due to the fact i have moved into the spare bedroom in preparation for the painter etc and a change of bedroom scene has helped with the feeling of moving on, moving forward, getting on with things etc. maybe less stress and thoughts caught up with all the things,

The doctor appointment was fairly average regarding my bad sleep patterns, the doctor was suggesting going on anti depressants to combat the insomnia, something i didn't feel comfortable with and have put that on the side until i feel like all the changes happening haven't been helping with my mood.

I have been keeping up with my 20min meditation before sleep and small but significant 40minutes walking exercise when waking to get some repetitive patterns back into my daily schedule.

Now that all this is sorting itself out (with lots of personal progress work) I am unsure how to continue to see my psychologist with things to work on. i guess self esteem is something i need to continue with, and formulating a sense of self worth, areas i have always found hard to justify

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

Well done to you as I see you’ve made some great progress 🙂 I’m very happy to hear you have been getting more sleep the past few days.

I feel more adequate sleep can make such a difference to our overall mood. If I’m sleep deprived, I find that affects all aspects of my life...my mood, concentration, etc.

I love how you’re meditating and going for walks. I agree that some familiarity/structure can help. Structure aside, meditation and walking itself can be beneficial itself too in terms of mental and physical health.

I think working on your self esteem/self worth with your psychologist sounds like a great idea. Now that you have some of the daily “basics”/a routine (a foundation of sorts), it makes sense to work on other things in your life.

It’s great hearing from you. You’re most welcome about my comments on your self awareness. I really do think it’s such a wonderful quality, partly because I think self awareness can aid the personal growth/healing process. Till next time 🙂

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

I feel like I’m having a mental blank as I can’t remember if I posted to you this morning or not (or if I accidentally pressed cancel). In any case, I’ll check again later.

For now, I just want you to know that I’m very happy for your progress, want to encourage you and that I’m thinking of you 🙂

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

So i have been "ok" through most of the last few weeks, plenty of shifts at work to keep me busy and distracted. Plenty of packing and organising to do in order to move away.

But my personal time has mostly been a void. A void seemingly too large to fill on my own. I have tried reaching out to the small handful of friends i have but no-one seems to want to talk deeply about how i am (not) coping and dealing with it all.I get it - its hard to deal with people who are deeply depressed when your life is all happy and golden, but its not helping being avoided because of how i feel, and i know you can (supposedly) choose to feel good and taking control of your depression is a possibility but when you cant and the weight of sadness is too much to bear , how are you meant to vent and get reassurance about life?

I like the sentiment that everyone is focused on the far future and all the things that could be better once i move interstate, and in most circumstances this is a good thing. But how do people deal with the rejection of opening up to be your true self and you get broken eye contact and avoidance?.I guess it comes back to a society that is not well equipped in dealing with mental health problems.

All the self help books i've been tearing through and online videos about building confidence etc etc all have one fatal point - they all say 'do this with a close friend' do that with someone you trust 'handle this social awkwardness with a wingman' blah blah. all well and good if you have those to begin with. Is it a matter of faking your true self in order to win these people into your life first? and then moving into the next phase? how is that good thing?

I fly away from this town and move into a new city in two weeks, i have which will be my last meeting with my psychologist on Monday. Curious if i go to find a new psych to see in the new city will i have to start all over again? can i get like a report to transfer over with? do psychs talk to each other and 'hand over' a patient?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

What a though provoking and insightful post. I enjoy reading your posts, and appreciate your self awareness 🙂

I think it’s fantastic how you’re doing as much as you can to try to help yourself, strengthen connections and improve your mood. I admire your commitment and effort. Very much so...

That being said, I also sense your loneliness. To some extent, I think that I get what you’re saying about the “void.” I feel it can sometimes be really hard to find people to have those conversations about how you’re truly feeling/what you’re really thinking...

I think sometimes people, for various reasons, aren’t always comfortable with other people’s struggles. I often feel it’s because they’re scared/unable to hold space for their own pain, let alone try to hold space for anyone else’s pain...in some ways, I think it says more about their own struggles than it does about you. But I understand my saying that doesn’t really help your situation...I’m just sharing my stray thoughts...

I think forming very genuine, open relationships/friendships often isn’t easy. I don’t have an answer really, but sometimes I feel people mimic/reflect what they see.

For example, if you crave those really “authentic”, deep relationships/friendships then maybe you might have to put yourself out there first? As in, maybe be the first one to open up (which you are already doing in some ways so maybe just keep trying)...yes, it might mean you will be rejected/avoided/ignored 9 out of 10 times...but I feel you don’t need 9 people who understand, you just need that 1 who gets it, right? Or at least as a starting point...

Sorry, just sharing more of my stray thoughts. I’m not sure if I’m being particularly helpful or not, but I am hearing you out and care about you.

About your psychologist, I would suggest maybe asking what is the procedure to share reports with your new psych when you move. See what your psychologist can do to help smooth the transition...

Kindness & care,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

Thanks Pepper! yes i have been doing a lot of awareness growing, just need to put steps in place to make changes needed to get better in real life.

"Sorry, just sharing more of my stray thoughts"
totally ok, happy to have them, aren't expecting direct answers to my questions just also laying down foundations of thoughts 🙂

"it might mean you will be rejected/avoided/ignored 9 out of 10 times.." yep totally true, i have realised how much people (myself included) hold back on actions in all areas of life due to the fear of rejection. I've been watching you tube videos on a guy that did 100 days of rejection to break down his own personal stigma regarding it. It was interesting what he came to conclusion about the fact that it really isn't that big a deal.. I get it, its like i have met literally 1000's of people in my life and yet those 5-9 people who rejected me or whatever have more sway in the way i feel? where does that make sense? literally thousands were ok with who i am or didn't just dismiss me right away yet they don't out weigh the small handful who did? maths doesn't add up. need to get that in perspective for myself. also really like the idea of purposefully going out to get rejected 5 times a day ( on little silly things) just so you an retrain the brain not to be scared of it so much, and hopefully learn a thing or two about how i react to such things.

"About your psychologist," they were super hopeful as expected but yeah they can be contacted by a new psychologist (with my consent) and have a bit of a hand over report ready to pass on. Psych was also going to reach out to some contacts and see if there was someone they knew to recommend 🙂 which is a nice touch.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

I love all the work you’re doing on yourself. Thanks so much for being so kind about me sharing my thoughts 🙂

I think you’re onto something there about how it can be easy to let situations of rejection outweigh the instances of acceptance. Sometimes, I feel if we are in a particularly vulnerable state of mind (or have been rejected recently), we can easily fixate on any real or perceived hurts (e.g. feelings of rejection)...to the point that it can overshadow everything else.

I like your plan to challenge yourself to regular, small rejections, to re-train your mind and learn. I suspect it might be difficult initially, but I feel you’ll reap the rewards in the long-term. It will definitely be an eye-opening exercise, and I agree that you’ll learn a lot about yourself.

I’m happy to hear that your psychologist has been so helpful, and is on board with the “handover”...

Also, I’ve noticed that you’ve been reaching out to various people on the forums. Good on you. I think that’s really nice of you 🙂

Till next time, kindness and care to you...

Pepper