help with accessing help

[Lemmy]

40yrs old and I've recently broken up with my partner of 8 years and its pretty clear to me i'm suffering panic attacks and potentially long term depression.

i rated 'high' on the k10 test, and have made an appointment with a gp

what things will be discussed, how will it be handled and is there anything i can do to prepare? feeling anxious about it

thanks in advance

[Lemmy]

So quick catch up, i have moved out of my house and into a new city, currently residing in a spare bedroom at my mothers house as i feel for now that this is a temporary move. New job starts today and i'll be starting some study in October for a 8week course to hopefully propel me into a trade apprenticeship.I have no friends in this new city but am looking forward to making new ones.

Things i am still struggling with - sense of self worth, grief over lost love, hope for the future.

First the grief - I would hope that by now 2 months on that i would have a greater ability to be grateful for my health and help from my family. i still struggle to sleep comfortably on my own and waking up with the knowledge that my previous partner is not here is still a struggle. i should be stronger within myself but i guess that leads to the next issue

Self worth - I went to a mens support group recently and felt so ashamed that i was feeling low about life in general without a good reason for it, some of the men spoke about things that i have no idea how i would cope if i was in their shoes. tried to speak about the things i was dealing with and it seemed silly that i was unhappy with myself and my life and where i am. Maybe this is just the general problem with depression sometimes that even without solid reasons my brain can be constantly trying to put myself down. Need to have better control over my thoughts. I spoke about a life purpose finding hike i did last year where i hiked 3800km from the southern border of USA to the northern border (5months with my partner in a tent and too many steps to count) But despite this achievement (which everyone is amazed about and in awe of my accomplishment) i feel lost and more hollow when i started. i feel a fraud that i don't accept the great opportunity i had for what it was, but lost myself and my relationship and now also my house from that.

Future - i have little hope for the future and i worry that anything i achieve or accomplish now for myself or in terms of relationships discovered that it all turns to dust regardless, maybe this is just the existential crisis of life in general.. and without children or a partner to help in life i don't put in as much effort into myself as i should. probably due to a low self esteem to begin with.

sorry.. bit of a ramble.. but just had to get it out of my head and onto a page

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

You’re of course welcome to get those feelings out. Muse, chat and connect as much as you want to and feel comfortable doing. I hope writing that down was a little cathartic for you...

I know that I have said this before, but I really do admire your self awareness. I feel it reflects a certain emotional intelligence...

I think you have made a lot of great changes. There has been a lot of bravery in taking those steps. Hopefully, in time, you’ll settle into your new city and make some friends and other meaningful connections...

I understand you have certain opinions about how you think grief should unfold. I feel a lot of people have that...but here’s the thing...

In my own experience, I think grief is one of those things that often follows a more unpredictable trajectory than we may want. I think many of us expect a timeline for grief & for it to “stop” at some point, but it often doesn’t work like that...

In my own experience, the more I fought it, the worse it was in the long-run. I’m not saying that we should wallow & do absolutely nothing else in life but wallow....

But I’m suggesting to maybe think about a more “flexible” mentality towards grief...let grief come & go...gently allow difficult emotions to surface (just as we would let happy ones surface).

There’s a famous story about how a psychologist once tried challenging a client who really struggled to cope with painful emotions. He said something like “If you hear something funny, you laugh. But if something sad happens then why do you fight your tears?”

I think it’s fantastic that you’ve joined that group. What great potential for connections, friendship and support! I agree your hike was an outstanding achievement, even though I know you feel more emptiness than pride right now...

Sometimes I feel it can be hard not to compare, especially if you feel others have it “worse”, so to speak. While it’s true that perhaps some people do have it “worse”, it might also help to remember that someone else going through something “worse” doesn’t mean our own pain doesn’t matter.

We all have our own struggles, and I feel each is real and valid in its own right...I feel we can empathise with someone else’s suffering but also hold compassion for our own struggles at the same time...(much) easier in theory than in practice though...

I feel that I’ve written way too much so I’ll stop here. Thanks again for sharing how you’re feeling. I always value reading your posts...

Kindness and warmth,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

Thanks Pepper,

"a more “flexible” mentality towards grief...let grief come & go"
A fair comment, one i will try and seek relief with, and get control over resisting the grieving moments.

It's hard when happiness is a state of mind that is more easily reached when with friends than just by myself. Though in hindsight is often more a distraction than 'truly in the moment' relief from my negative thoughts. I find it hard to believe that happiness is just a distraction from depression , but is that how most with depression cope? just learn to live with it and distract yourself from what you deep down in side feel? seems like a crappy way to be. A falsehood of such. Surely happiness is a state of mind that can be achieved for a ' most of the time' state of mind.. Maybe i am being optimistic in thinking that. After being more open about my depression with friends i often (but not always) hear that people who always seemed happy and having their lives together are also struggling with negative thoughts. These are the people i seem to get more support from. The ones who are more dismissive of the state of mind i am often hiding in. The "just get on with life" "Just do the things you want that make you happy" or "snap out of it" or "it cant be that bad" or " you have nothing to be depressed about" people surely have no idea what sadness is. Are these people in a constant state of enjoyment? in denial about the effects of depression because the don't know or care? These are the ones who say to me, just call me and it'll be ok after a chat - i do and they just talk about how great their lives are and barely give time to believe the things i am going through can't just be fixed by flicking a switch somehow.

Is there a switch? if there is, I'll be pissed for not been shown it earlier in life..

I guess i'm just being annoyed with myself still about the time its taking to correct my train of thoughts. I know life can be better, but i've wasted so much of mine stuck in a mental rutt. It's hard to not be scared of the moment when things seem to be at a 'normal' (if that's a thing) state of happiness with myself - that i won't be in total meltdown for all the wasted life up until that point.

Today's rant brought to you by spending another birthday alone and wondering what the purpose of battling and dealing with depression is all worth it for..

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

I want to wish you a happy belated birthday 🙂 I understand it must have been hard though, as there wasn’t anyone else to share that day with...I imagine it may have been very lonely...

Please feel free to rant away if it helps unload some of your thoughts and feelings...sometimes writing can be cathartic...

I think they are really good questions, but I feel each question has multiple answers. It just depends on who answers, I suppose...

I agree with you that, for most of us, it can be easier to feel moments of happiness when we are with friends or people that we feel a genuine connection with....I think it boils down our human need for connection...

About happiness, I have a slightly different opinion to you. My opinion is of course not better or worse than yours, but it’s simply another lens (one of the billions) through which to observe the world...

I actually think happiness is more about moments that come and go, rather than necessarily a permanent “state.” The reason that I say this is our emotions, regardless of whether it’s happiness or sadness, exist for a reason.

E.g. sadness as a way for our bodies/mind to warn us that we have lost something or have been hurt, happiness to tell us to continue doing whatever it was that made us happy in the first place, fear to tell us to run away or hide. Etc, etc...

I think we wouldn’t have the human capacity to feel such a range of emotions if there wasn’t some form of purpose for the existence of each emotion. It’s just that some of the emotions are far less pleasant than others, that’s all...that’s just my perception at least...

I think the mental rut you feel would be frustrating though. I feel your frustration and exhaustion through your words...

I’m thinking of you...write in any time you feel like sharing more. No pressure or rush of course...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

Thanks Pepper, i guess i cant put into words how frustrating and lonely the birthday was. Certainly made me not wish to celebrate my birth at all, quite the opposite in fact.

I understand the 'can't see the light without knowing the darkness' side of things, i've read through the 'No mud, No lotus' book by Thich Nhat Hanh and it has cemented the idea of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For now its about getting some everyday routines in place so i can concentrate of fixing the deeper despair in my negative outlook on life. I often wonder whats the point in finding happiness when it is bound to end in tragedy. It's all i've been shown but more importantly its all i've expected. At this later stage in life i look back on what i have had and lost and don't tend to hope for more to lose. I guess i need to find purpose and strive for that regardless of the chances of actually gaining insight or comforts.

Finding friends or finding people to at least talk to in honesty has been difficult, maybe i'm just hoping for too much too soon? I can't seem to (understandably) find comfort with who i am enough to be open to new people. I don't want to burden others with my problems, i don't wan't to bring their lives into my uncomfortable one.

i am just a lone wolf wandering the lands looking for scraps of connections at this stage. I don't think there is a pack out there that will ever let me be one of them truly, and if i can't reconcile that fact i just don't know what else to do.. but i will keep trying.. hoping for an olive branch to reach out for

rant over 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

Your birthday does sound as though it was very rough. I really sensed your loneliness...feel free to rant any time if it helps to get those emotions out a bit...sometimes that can be cathartic as it’s a bit of an emotional purge.

I know you’ve lost a lot, and I imagine the lost brings quite a few emotional pangs. Loss can be very hard...I like how you’re trying to create new routines though. I think you seem to understand/have great self insight to know what you need to do for yourself...

I really sense your desire to connect with others. I feel your loneliness is really poignant in your writing...

To find your pack, as you put it, can be hard. The lone wolf who wants to find their pack...sigh, I agree it can be hard finding our pack/tribe/people.

If it helps you feel slightly less alone, I’m currently in a similar boat. Not exactly the same situation, but similar in the sense that I have been trying to find my tribe/my people.

For me, it’s a little different though. I’m fortunate enough to have a network of friends around me, and I I’m grateful for a few of them. But despite knowing most of them for many years, I still don’t feel as though I truly connect with them.

The reason, in my case, was I used to just accept anyone into my life as a friend (and I really mean anyone). Anyone who would give me the slightest bit of attention (good or bad attention) was welcome...even if we weren’t actually compatible, some were even toxic/dysfunctional or I secretly disliked some of them. But I had such a low opinion of myself that I thought that I didn’t have options...

So now I’m looking for a different kind of connection: genuine compatibility and mutual caring and support. I’ve been trying new things, attending events without bringing a plus-one (as I have found that tends to discourage new friendships because I might look less approachable that way).

It has been hit and miss. I’ve had many disappointing encounters. But I’ve also recently started making what will hopefully become really meaningful connections. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, in my own way, I can empathise/relate to your struggle with connections.

I get that it’s hard. I get that it can be disheartening and unearth all kinds of doubt. But I would ever so gently suggest that you do what you do so beautifully...keep trying...

It’s always good to talk to you. I find you engaging, intelligent and self aware. Thanks for being here and sharing 🙂

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

Thanks for your kind words pepper and sharing your experience also.

I have a two day mens retreat i have booked into this weekend, and have started joining more meetup groups just to get out and speak to people in a way to be more proactive in putting myself out there. It'll take time and i just have to ride the roller coaster of emotions as they pass the lows in anticipation of the highs. I often catch myself reaching out and desperately helping others with their low points in life either through forums like this one, or in real life meetings with people who might not be doing so well. I do feel like such a fraud at times giving people advice about things i should be doing for my self though haha. I guess thats just a way for me to process what i am going through and using reflection of depression to help come to terms with how i am doing. I get nervous that if something major were to happen now to me i wont have that support i will require to get through. Will keep flailing around to keep my head above water for now 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

I hope you enjoyed the retreat, and hopefully even had some meaningful conversations there. I love how you’re trying to put yourself out there, and that you’re riding out your emotions 🙂

I think it’s a good thing that you’re reaching out to others here and offline. It sounds like it helps both yourself and other people. I think most of us are stumbling through this thing called life (a lot of trial and error), so if we can help each other then why not, right? To a large extent, I think you have the right idea...

I feel for your fears about a lack of support if anything drastic were to happen (hopefully not though). Hopefully over time though, you’ll be able to gradually build a solid support network. One that is mutually supportive through both the good and bad times...

I would love to hear how your retreat went (but only if that’s something you want to share). Here’s to both of us forming meaningful and strong connections in the near future!

Till next time...

kindness and care,

Pepper

[Lemmy]

The retreat was great, good connections with the other men. Out in a bush location with wood powered hot water systems - very back to basics. We had meditation workshops, went for a hike, did an emotion workshop / discussion on anger and a massive group discussion about family, girlfriends/wives, porn addiction and shame with regards to how we perceived it vs what it means to feel it and how to deal with it. All in all very empowering to know that we aren't alone in the ways in how we deal with things as men, and how society is often setting us up to fail as men. And of course how we don't help ourselves by lacking confidence and conviction in our decisions through life. I hope to work more with this group in particular, who have all come together due to the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Something i have read recently and connected with on a fairly deep level.

Basically just proved i have a lot to work on in order to better myself haha. But felt good to not only be helped by these discussions and personal conversations, but also offer my help and perspective on things.

I realised that i'm least vulnerable when i am busy doing things, even if these are pushing myself outside of my comfort zone (especially so, actually) It's not going to get better until i am comfortable with spending time with myself. Having my own space will help, but something that won't be coming any time soon. so i guess something to look forward to.

I struggle with the need to push myself to exhaustion in order not to be awake alone in bed , these are the times like 3am when i wake and am unable to shake the self depreciating thoughts. and all the negativity creeps in. However i know that i need to find a balance so i don't burn out and completely fall apart. I will try to increase my opportunities to get exercise and positive meditation rather than just filling my non work time running around meeting new people until late every night of the week.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lemmy,

I’m pleased to hear the retreat went well. It sounds like you really bonded/connected with some of the men, and were able to have some really open conversations. I think that’s pretty special, in terms of feeling heard and understood 🙂

I like your thoughts about wanting to learn to be comfortable in your own company. I think that’s a really good point. Especially when it comes down to it, the person we are inevitably around the most is ourselves...

I think it’s good that you try to go out, challenge yourself and meet new people. But I also understand that it can get to a point where it becomes a way to fill a void, and perhaps in some ways, to avoid having to deal with ourselves and certain emotions...as you said, finding your own personal sense of balance may be the way forward...

To some extent, I can empathise with your void filling. Over the years, I’ve connected with a lot of people that I’ll collectively call The Void Fillers or The Space Holders.

I know it sounds awful, but it’s exactly as those names suggests, people that I’ve surrounded myself with (who may not really be the right people for me) in order to feel less alone. Someone (anyone!) is better than no one, right? That was largely my subconscious (sometimes even conscious) mindset for a velong time.

Now, I’m slowly learning discernment...

So...here’s to both of us making positive changes in our lives...

Thanks again for sharing and chatting. I enjoy our discussions and hearing about your experiences.

Till next time...kindness and care to you.

Pepper