Feeling lost, but no idea why.

[JWB]

To anybody looking in I have a relatively good life. A roof over my head, a decent job and I am in good health, I have friends and family who love me.

But for as long as I can remember now that I know what it is, I have been depressed, anxious and stressed. I’ve always felt guilty about it because I feel like I have no good reason to feel the way I do, and think there is always someone worse off.

In recent years it has gotten worse, to the point where I no longer know how to manage it. I have been seeking the help of a councillor, making sure I socialise with family and friends, exercise and eat right. I play social sport and do yoga every week. And recently have gotten a second job in a field I am truly passionate about.

I feel that I am taking all the right steps, or at least trying to take them to achieve my goals and keep me distracted. But I feel it’s all just that, a distraction.

Even on my best days I still find myself wondering what it’s all for and why. On my worst days these thoughts turn a lot more sinister.

I am just so tired and exhausted from constantly feeling like I don’t belong here, in this life, but trying to hide it and act “normal”.

Even as I write this I can’t shake the guilt I feel knowing that I really don’t have it bad. So why do I feel this way? I don’t really know what I even hope to achieve from writing here, I am just so lost.

[White_Rose]

Dear JWB

Hello and welcome to the forum. I think it's a great move to post here and will help you a great deal. I think just about everyone who writes in has similar thoughts to you so can you remember this when you find you are starting to despair.

Many of us have a good life with all the things you mention. A home, job, reasonable income, health, family and friends. So why are we unhappy or confused. All this is true but no one has told depression how good we have it. Depression is no respecter of persons. The black dog bites where it fancies regardless of a person's position in life.

No doubt you have read stories of various sporting heroes, actors, industry leaders and so on who have told the world about their depression. No, having lots of this world's goodies does not make us immune to any mental illness and in some ways I wonder if it makes us more vulnerable as we have less to strive for. When you spend all day finding enough to eat for the next day it doesn't leave much time for mental illness.

However this is not the place for a philosophical discussion. The reality is anyone can develop a mental illness such as depression and anxiety. Feeling guilty about it is just another twist that depression puts on the situation.

You did not ask to be depressed and most certainly do not want it to continue so please believe that and remove one layer of despair, your feelings of guilt. There is always someone who appears worse off than you but that has nothing to do with you. Believing you are a bad person because someone has a harder time with their life is beside the point. Yes, that person deserves help but it will not help them for you to feel guilty about it. We are responsible for our own lives only.

I can relate to your tiredness. Emotional turmoil takes a great deal of energy and we only have a certain amount. It doesn't leave much when the black dog arrives and steals our supply. That is step one, look after yourself as much as possible. It's not selfish or bad because neglecting yourself will not help anyone else. You know the safety procedures on a plane. Fix your own oxygen mask before helping others, even children.

It's good you are seeing a counsellor. How do you think it's going? Do you relate to him/her? You are making all the right moves with socialising etc but can you stop for a minute and do something that really interests you. Something connected to your second job for example. Out of word allowance.

Mary

[Chris_Park]

Hi , First of all , English is my second language. But I will try my best to express my opinion.

You are not alone, but you are way better then all of us in the same situation. I am a person who suffered depression for 11 years, I cant work and I cant have any relationships , i have no friends and no family. I am always alone since after my cat passed away few years ago. I cant work , but I always tried to smile and tried to look for jobs, and this year 2019, I ate up all my savings now, I can only sell my old stuff on ebay to keep my living on, I can only afford to have one meal a day and sometimes none, but I am lucky I still have a roof above my head which is free.

I use to feel the same as how you feel , life meaningless to me , and i really don't know how to move on. Been betrayed by friends and ex - boyfriends etc, life means so hopeless with me . But I went to seek for help from a professional , which is free , they listen to us , they give us hope and help us walk pass the lonely path to see a future.

I am much poor then you , but I can still stand up to fright for my life, you are much more talent and successful then me , I believe you can do it. Get the right person to help you and then in just a click , you will have a beautiful life and mind you deserve .

Cheer up.

[White_Rose]

Dear Chris Park

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to learn how difficult your life is. You are so brave to keep struggling. Selling your possessions to buy groceries must be so difficult.

May I ask if you are still meeting with a counsellor. I hope so. A counsellor can help here. Can you get some financial help from CentreLink? Have you tired? If not go in to your nearest CentreLink office and ask. It seems incredible that someone has to sell their possessions to live. They should be able to help you find a job. I understand about your depression affecting your ability to hold a job but you cannot live on air.

Betrayal is so very distressing and I hope you can get over this and find friends who like you as yourself. Have you thought of getting a volunteer job? It's not quite like having a paid job but may help you in this area. There are volunteer roles that do not bring you into contact with people or only a small part.

Mary