Feeling Beyond Blue

[LavenderBlue]

Hi,

I've been blue at many times during my 60 years on the planet (minus the first 10 years of childhood!) but today I've passed into what I'd describe as beyond blue...into blackness. So in despair, I decided to join BB's forum in the hope it would help shed some light onto what I'm going through.

I have had the blues to greater or lesser extent at certain stressful (and non stressful) periods of my life and have dealt with it mainly through exercise and some therapy. Other less positive methods I've used were alcohol (which I have finally discarded and no longer use to self medicate) and am still using anti-anxiety medication (which is only a temporary fix and am aware of it's addictive nature, so I try to use only when necessary)

The past few years have seen changes to my life that have been difficult to cope with. And with children leaving, returning and leaving home again....as well as a partner who is a FIFO worker.....I find myself waving goodbye a lot and feeling left behind, empty and alone.

Mornings are the worse....awaking very early, after a broken night's sleep, to feelings of high anxiety, dread, stomach churning, a feeling of paralysis....which requires a lot of willpower to actually get up and moving.

So...just a slice of my blues as an introduction! I feel like I should say something upbeat and positive now so that I don't seem a whining, self pitying person. I try and portray myself as a happy, positive person in life.....but I feel that here, within the BeyondBlue community, I can let that mask fall.

I hope to share in other's stories here...and to gain some better insight and help with my problems.

Thanks for reading this.

LavenderBlue

[Automaton]

Hi LavenderBlue,

I feel that, I've been much the same my whole life...

One thing I can say is don't ever be afraid to express yourself, and always have a reliable outlet to where you can be yourself without judgement or prejudice.

Reading between the lines in your story, I think what you need most of all is sharing and care from people you can feel close to. Know that they are out there, whether online or in person, you can find them, and when you do, you will feel a sense of belonging, and most of the heavy weight will be lifted.

Alcohol, or any other substance escape will only serve to put your body in a miserable state, and our minds very much depend on our bodies, so if you want to feel hope, don't do it -- avoid it like the plague.

Another crucial thing that comes to mind is that you should never underestimate the importance of your mental and emotional health -- they are just as important, and affect you just the same as a regular, physical, body illness. It's important to recognise this, to take our bodies and minds seriously, and to seek medical help and support when we are ill.

Accept that you've been downed, and know that there is a cause and a cure for your illness, and that you don't need to fight this out all on your own.

But if you can do something for yourself, it is to seek a purpose that fills your life with meaning, and your heart with warmth. There are so many things we could be doing in this world! Don't let your mind stop you from following your heart. Let yourself be free, listen to your body and your needs, and follow their call.

To be yourself, and to live as nature had intended you to be -- *that's* something! There is no higher cause, and yet we so often completely forget about it. Breathe, and feel the life dwelling within you -- without judgement or prejudice! Feel the incredible being that you are at this moment. You are more than what society has intended, and the life it has given you -- you are so much more! There is a truth that is beyond our thought world and our human understanding, and it lives in our feelings with nature. Follow that trail -- not the nonsenses we create with our minds. Listen to your heart and soul, and seek your calling, unchain yourself, let yourself be alive again, like a child!

With Love,
Automaton

[geoff]

hi LB, I'm 62 and know what you are saying, but if you need to take anti-anxiety medication it can't be an addiction, it's what your body definitely needs so it's just to help you cope, so to me it's not an addiction, where as alcohol certainly is, so both of these are different, others may think differently, but remember you're not 100%.
Your participation in responding to other person would be invaluable and with so much knowledge from your years of experience, we look forward to hearing from you. Geoff.

[LavenderBlue]

Hi Automaton,

Thank you so much for your response. I connected with so much of what you said. It's like a response I've give to myself.....if I had your insight 🙂

Even though I have a theoretical idea of the right things to do that will aid my mental health...they just rattle around uselessly in my head unless I start putting them into action. And getting involved and 'sharing the load' here on BB will help me overcome the isolating misconception of.. "I'm all alone in feeling like this". Actually, I hope to break into pieces my most overwhelming feeling which is simply .."I'm all alone" full stop.

I was using alcohol to self medicate for a long time, until it got to the point where it had overtaken all other personal issues and then alcohol abuse became my main problem! I can joke about it now, but it was a long, extremely tough road to rid myself of that poisonous crutch. As regards the anti-anxiety medication....I have been using a short term medication (I see on the forum rules that I'm not allowed to name names! I'm not sure why this is, but assume it's to avoid people being influenced into trying a particular medication that may not be suitable for them) for long periods....with enough breaks to avoid becoming dependent...up to now, anyway. I've tried anti-depressants some years ago, but the side effects were terrible.

You have banged the one of the nails on the head with your comment, "But if you can do something for yourself seek a purpose that fills your life with meaning, and your heart with warmth" Having given up work early in life, after having children, and then devoting the rest of my life to bringing them up, has created a big empty space. Volunteering work seems an obvious course of action....but feelings of inertia, anxiety and a massive lack of confidence are in the way. It's a step I want to take but seem unable to do. It makes me depressed, frustrated and anxious just to think of it!

Finally, your last paragraph had me in awe. Such truth. I agree with every word. I've printed it out so I can read it often. Thank you so much for taking such time and effort to share your thoughts Automaton. I so appreciate it.

Best Wishes

Lavender Blue

[LavenderBlue]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your response. Yes, being 'older', I certainly have gained some understanding over the years and will be happy to share anything that I feel would be helpful to other people in BB.

As regards the anti-anxiety medication, I hear what you say. I have written abit about it in my reply to Automaton. It certainly does help me when I'm in 'high anxiety' mode...but I fear I will become less tolerant to 'low anxiety' and use this medication unnecessarily. At certain stressful periods I am using it more than my doctor recommends, as it is one of the addictive meds. So I feel I'm walking on a tightrope by using them. But as you say, I'm pretty hard on myself and, as you say, I'm not 100%. I need to let go of trying to be what I think I should be. As Automaton says.."To be yourself, and to live as nature had intended you to be...Follow that trail -- not the nonsenses we create with our minds"

Thanks again for your welcome to BB.

Best Wishes

Lavender Blue

[blondguy]

Hello LavenderBlue

Welcome too 🙂 I am 57 and used to have acute anxiety for many years which has morphed into depression as I was really anti-meds and refused to take them initially

I have been on the same benzo for 21 years which I take before bed. It has stopped the night sweats, the teeth grinding and the general anxiety that prevents a good quality sleep to help us cope with the new day

From my experience the anti anxiety meds do provide us with a platform on which we can work on the low remaining low level anxiety with a therapist. (I still see my GP every month for a 'tune up')

I think that addiction is not really the issue here. Our quality of life is. I take my small dosage every night since I was 36. My career performance improved...my personal relationships improved too 🙂

Just my opinion of course but the anti-anxiety meds are like insulin to a diabetic or high blood pressure meds to someone who is hypertensive re their blood pressure levels.

The meds are only prescribed for a purpose and you have a really good reason....Anxiety disorder. please dont be hard on yourself and over analyze taking these meds when you have so much to gain by using them as a way to have some peace in your life

With regular counseling the the meds do work very well. I have never heard of anyone becoming less tolerant to low level anxiety by taking them.

They are never a 'fix all'. They do help with providing a foundation on which we can use a counselors help to learn the coping mechanisms to work on the low level anxiety

Really great to have you on the forums LavenderBlue. There are many caring people that can be here for you

my kind thoughts

Paul

[LavenderBlue]

Hi Paul,

I found your post extremely interesting. I love that people are able to express different ideas and thoughts here on the forum, as I thought...after reading the community rules...that it was quite PC here! I totally agree that respect for each other is paramount....but I read a post saying if medications can't be named (which I agree with, as some people may be easily swayed into trying a medication that's not suitable for their individual case) then natural remedies shouldn't be named either. I guess if someone is promoting a product for personal gain that would be abusing trust...but I can't see the problem in simply passing on a remedy that helped. Anyway! I don't envy the moderator's job..

Back to your post. I found your advice so freeing....as I'm so hard on myself and intolerant on anything I see as a weakness in myself.

And I have this idea that I will be sucked into a false reality if I use benzos over a long term.

I guess this impression has been partly influenced by my experience with a couple of doctors a few years ago, who I'd seen when my regular doctor was on holiday. When I asked one for a benzo script, he actually shouted at me, saying it would ruin my life. I was so shocked by this response, as he didn't even inquire about my case. The second doctor looked at me as if I was a drug addict and wrote me a script for 5 tablets!! There was nothing about my behaviour or appearance that would give off a 'bad impression'...I behave and look 'boringly normal"! So I felt like a weak loser after those encounters...feeling ashamed that I even asked for a script.

But your attitude is much more balanced. You accept the need for this medication to reduce your high anxiety and use counseling to deal with your low anxiety levels. I like your style 🙂

Best Wishes

Lavender Blue

[Automaton]

Hmm... I will have to go not too much, but just a little bit against Paul's advice here.

In my experience medications are useful for one thing: shocking your body back from an overly unbalanced state. I feel that the problem with the use of long-term medications is that they *are* a foreign substance in the body, have side effects, and these side effects are actually the result of a new imbalance created by the medication itself. I believe that in the long term, they can really cause physical trauma to the body's natural workings/balance.

My philosophy in life has always been that medications are really useful when your body is over those boundaries where it could effectively heal and balance itself in time, and your health is critical (your life in serious danger), but as soon as you're back on your feet, so to speak, I feel you should be working with your body and aiding it in finding its own, independent balance, without the use of medications if possible.

People tend to abuse the use of medications (both patients and doctors), as they appear to be the easy way out of your particular problem/situation. I actually somewhat commend your doctor on his views -- not his rash and unprofessional approach and expression in the context, but his internal, personal realisation/opinion, and ultimate action/subscription. Has he provided you with a referral/subscription to alternate treatment than medications -- such as therapy/counselling?

Also, keep in mind that you are entitled to disagree with the treatment your doctor prescribes for you if you feel that it will not help, it is not the help you are looking for, and seek a second opinion. Make sure you voice your concerns with your doctor, and discuss it beforehand. Good doctors are willing to listen to their patient's concerns, and recommend treatment that benefits both the patient's health and confidence (personal fight).

[LavenderBlue]

I hear where you're coming from too Automaton. And I agree that it's certainly not an ideal situation to be using medication long term. I think we need to treat medication with respect and caution...i.e. be aware of the effects it's having on our body and see it as a helping hand, not a saviour.

But....(cliche alert here!)....the older I get the more I know that life is not black and white, there are many shades of grey. And here's another cliche that links to the first one....'never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes' So I can have definite opinions (that change over time) which guide me through life, while acknowledging that they are created by my own experiences and are individually tailored to one person. Me! Of course we all have things in common...we are all human beings....and the human experience is all the better when it is shared with each other. That is why I joined this forum. To see things through other people's eyes...to help shift ingrained ideas I may have, which are past their use by date.

But, saying that, it's important not to be blown about in the wind. It's best to be selective...to sift and weigh up ideas/advice carefully before adding it to our list of 'how to live life'.

I really value your responses. They are very thought provoking and come from your heart. You have spurred me on to try another doctor, who has been recommended to me, who specialises in mental health.

Best Wishes

Lavender Blue

[blondguy]

Hi LavenderBlue (and Automaton)

Thanks for the kind response LavenderBlue. As you mentioned it comes down to everyone's personal situation. I look back at the 13 years I wasted trying to self heal and scared of the 'addiction' word. I have always been anti meds and probably still am. I understand where you are coming from.

Hi Automaton, thanks for being gentle and your input here is just as important as anyone else's. If we didnt have opinions/advice there would be no need for me to be here as a volunteer. My anxiety became severe and I was still eating well and exercising and very fit when I was 23 in 1983...Yoga...Meditation...mindfulness just didnt work.

Anxiety is a serious illness, just like diabetes or high blood pressure. Its partially chemically based which makes it a partially physical disorder/illness. I do understand you though if a person is young and diagnosed early enough that behavioral therapy (CBT) can sometimes work, no worries at all.

If we need the meds without taking them after a protracted period of anxiety (13 years for myself) continuing to attempt to self heal can actually exacerbate the anxiety into agoraphobia and/or depression. (depending on an individuals circumstances of course)

I posted this on my first response "They are never a 'fix all' (meds). They do help with providing a foundation on
which we can use a counselors help to learn the coping mechanisms to work on the low level anxiety"

These meds have never been an easy way out for me, they were a last resort...they just helped me help myself 🙂

Great thread LavenderBlue (apologies for butting in on your thread)

my kind thoughts

Paul