Estrangement from my son

ROHA · ‎15-08-2021

Hi,

I am after some support, help and advice on understanding how a child can become estranged from their parent when that parent all has ever done for them, is try to resolve things each time there is a breakdown. I hadn’t dealt with any problems with him until he met this girl at 16, and he become a horrible person. She caused a lot of conflict amongst every family member and in the end broke my family apart, got pregnant to my son at 18 and then brainwashed him to believe my husband and I are not his family anymore and that we don’t deserve to be grandparents to our innocent granddaughter that we were not allowed to meet. I have never retaliated to anything, the girlfriend has sent us numerous messages and letters telling a bunch of lies and what her opinion is on things, putting the blame on us and never has there been any ownership of their own actions.
Please help me to find who I can talk to to get help with this, it’s been a long 3-4 years of rejection, conflict and trouble that he’s not willing to fix.

Croix · ‎16-08-2021

Dear ROHA~

Welcome to the Forum, I’m glad you came here as you and your husband are in a most unhappy position. To be rejected by your son and denied access to your grandchild is a heart-breaking thing. I’d imagine you have very little influence on how things can be improved.

As he is partnered with someone who causes trouble, and now is a father too your son may feel he has no choice but to side with her, he lives with her every day and may feel she needs his support, or is simply browbeaten. I don’t know your son so only offer these as guesses.

I would expect you have tried in every way you can think of to reach out to your son, may I ask what he has said about this break-down?

Looking at this from the outside it seems the only people you and your husband have control over are yourselves. At such a time it is more than important you look after yourselves, and try to live as normal a life as possible, doing activities you both enjoy and simply being an oasis of normality.

It may be you son may need this in the future.

I would imagine it would help to be able to talk to others who are familiar with these sorts of circumstances, may I suggest you try counseling, perhaps Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 or the Parent section of Reachout

https://parents.au.reachout.com/

Bringing up a young child is a life-changing event and it my be attitudes will change as a result.

Please let us know how you are going

Croix

ROHA · ‎23-08-2021

Thank you for your helpful response. I will try calling that number, because we need all the help we can get in trying to make sense of this breakdown. Our son is very much controlled by her and he can’t see what she’s doing with cutting us all off and the damage it is causing us all. My younger son who still lives at home has some contact with him and he’s told us it’s too late to resolve and we’re not family and that we don’t deserve to be grandparents. This breaks our heart so much because we were such a close family until the girlfriend came in and broke it. We know our son is influenced by her and her mother so much, he just won’t come and talk with us or any other family member because she won’t allow him too. Every day this is on our minds and it’s so draining to think one day your life can just get turned up side down because of one jealous person. My daughter has tried reaching out so many times to her eldest brother and he just rejects her as well, it’s so awful. When anyone tries to communicate with him, the girlfriend takes control and responds for him. So sad. Our lives were as normal as can be before she took my son away as she is controlling of her own parents and she tried controlling us when she pretty much lived with us and because of that our son began to have disrespect for us and the general house rules, I said she couldn’t stay anymore, and that is where it went bad.
We just hope that one day he wants to rejoin his family and he knows we love him and that our door is always open for him.
Thanks so much for listening and helping me. It is very much appreciated.

Isabella_ · ‎23-08-2021

Hi ROHA,

This is an awful situation.. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that.

I really hope that he does come around, and to be honest I feel like he will.. Manipulation is an awful, powerful thing. His partner clearly is emotionally abusive, to the point where she'll even split his family up for power over him. Your son clearly has a great family who despite the rejection, has always kept the door open for him. I think it's great that you'll reach out to these resources.

I'm wishing you and your family peace, and hope that you will all become connected again.

ROHA · ‎23-08-2021

Thank you for responding so quickly, I have found this to be helpful. I do hope too that he comes around and starts realising again that we are here and who his family is and that he can have us all in his life too. I'm devastated every day and I try real hard to be a strong mum to my younger two children that still live at home. It is a real roller coaster and some days are so much harder than others. It is constantly playing on my mind all the things that has happened since him meeting her. All the letters and messages she has written to us telling us that we are not family and never will be to him and his little girl is absolutely disgraceful. She blames us for everything, even that it has been her and my son bringing the drama and conflict into our home, we have always resolved and don't like the conflict, her mother and father have abused us even, they got involved and have made it worse to the point of acting worse than their daughter. Being of the age of 50+, I would've thought they'd have more common sense to want to keep the peace rather than add fuel to the fire in making the situation even worse. It is very hard to stomach what these people have done and to ever imagine there are these kind of toxic people out there. I just hope with my son's upbringing and morals and values that we raised him with, will eventually come out and he starts to miss us and comes home knocking on our door. Until then we can't do much else, as sad as it is we do have to try and live normally as best as we can. But this situation is so far from normal and the people that we are dealing with aren't very good influences for our son. Fingers crossed, we hope and pray every day a change happens.

Isabella_ · ‎23-08-2021

Hi there,

It is really unsettling to know that toxic people like this do live out there. In some sense you can only feel pity for them, this girl must have gotten it from somewhere and it sounds like the parents are the reason for it.

This is a really devastating situation, which is all the more difficult with the responsibility of raising your other two children. No one under any circumstances is deserving of abuse, especially from grown adults with kids of their own. I really hope that despite everything, you're still managing to take care of yourself as best as you can. It's never easy having to be the rock for everyone all the time when there's a heavy weight in your heart.

You're right, this isn't a normal situation. I think unfortunately, people have to go down some awful paths to find themselves in order to come out of it even stronger. Manipulators seem to prey on the insecurities of other people to get their way, but they can't eat away at someone forever. Eventually they run out of things to prey on or they'll take their power too far, in which case her true colours will come out and he'll come to his senses.

It's more than understandable to feel helpless and wish you had more control to change his mind. But I think ultimately, there's a lot of peace that can be had in knowing that there's always an open door when he comes back to the place where he belongs. The day will come when he will come knocking.

Sending a lot of warmth your way.

ROHA · ‎24-08-2021

Thank you for your words, I am glad I reached out, you have helped tremendously with your responses. Sometimes it gets hard with my re-occurring thoughts of how much lost time and valuable moments we are both missing out on, and as a parent - when raising children, we are resolving each and every emotion and teaching them the value of life. I know he's mindset is not at the level I think at yet and he is not mature enough to know the damage that is being done . Sometimes I wish I could put an old head on his young shoulders, and get him to realise that life is not easy without positive and loving support from your parents/family that we all rely on and trust the most.

Thanks again for your comforting words.