Afraid for my wife

[Tony 24]

First timer, Hi Everyone, I'm 84 and my wife had her left lung removed last year, she is struggling and I help her 24/7 but I am getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks, Just seeing her suffering before my eyes, this is my trigger, I cannot get away from it. I am seeing a professional next week and have started to take Natures own Calming tablets, I dont want to see my GP and go on anti depression medication, too many side effects. I have this overwhelming fear for her and me being left alone, I have read all I can and go to darts and meet friends, and go for walks. but what happens in the future when you go home to an empty house, how will I survive mentally, I feel I am going mad, have great trouble sleeping , its always on my mind, I try to live in the moment, At my worst I question my worth.

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

May I ask how your wife is taking it?

I guess the pair of you may have to decide on the course of treatment - if any. This is a horrible thing to have to decide, no real data to base it on, and unpredictability too. I guess in some was I was fortunate, my wife's was progressive and that was that. The only hard decision came at the end.

Perhaps the thing I worked on a lot was still seeing my wife as the person she'd always been. Not an ill person. To look past all the medical stuff to still see her as the one with mischief, love and creativity -not to mention endurance.

Good idea to see the GP. I hope yours is like mine was. Fully in the know, told me with remarkable accuracy what was happening, and just there to talk( for as long as he could), as was my psych (with whom I had many talks)

Switching to jigsaws sounds a good swap, you don't need eyestrain on top of everything else.

Despite the panic attacks you are coping remarkably well

Croix

[Tony 24]

Hi Croix Just back from the Cancer clinic, they are waiting on PET scan to see if my wife cancer has spread, I had a good night then a bad one I guess that this is the way it will be. I see a clinical Psychologist next Tuesday, very tense yesterday with a resting heart rate of 78 and that after all the breathing exercises, after todays visit its 64 about normal. take care Tony

[Croix]

Dear Tony

Well we'll cross our fingers for that PET scan.

You seem to have a somewhat similar sleep pattern to what I've had. One day I"ll be so stressed and worried I'll not sleep - or do so poorly, this may continue for a day or so, then the tiredness from lack of sleep plus the exhaustion of the anxiety catch up with me and I do have a better night's rest.

Unfortunatly sometimes the whole cycle repeats:(

I'm glad you have that appointment with the clinical psychologist -and that you were able to get one so quickly. I'm sure it will be a help.

Croix

[Tony 24]

things have gone downhill fast; Pat had to be rushed to hospital at 5am today after horrible symptoms - it is thought from the new cancer. I have been at the hospital all day; our daughter has theCovid and cannot leave home. Its all on me. My wife wants me to stay there 24/7 - I tried, and have just come home for a few hours. I will go back to emergency in 3 hours I just had to have a break, it will be11pm so maybe she will be asleep by then. If it gets bad again, there is nothing they can do - if not, they can try radiation. Its not looking good and she looks to me for answers and keeps saying she is scared; its killing me. When I am there I get PA and as I am wearing a mask I cannot do the breathing 2/4 its all to hard. I feel I am going downhill fast.

[Karen0901]

That sounds so difficult. For both you and your wife.

The best suggestion I have is to go back to your GP and explain what you are going through. They may be able to help you with temporary medications to get you through this time. You need to be able to function to support your wife and keep sane.

I would try and keep positive and just wait to see what happens. You can't do anything to change the outcome but you can be in charge of how you react to it.

[Tony 24]

Thank you Karen, I'm up at 4am, your words comfort.

[Ggrand]

Dear Tony,

I have been listening along with the conversations here but not replied because I nursed my husband the last few months of his life at home....It is one of the hardest things ever to do, is to watch our loved ones deteriorate in front of our eyes....

I remember when he was in hospital...it was his last visit to the hospital....I called an ambulance for him...and met him their....I spent most of the day in the hospital with him....only going home to shower and eat something..but it wasn’t enough for him..The hospital was an hour away, I would wait until he fell asleep..sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning....by the time I travelled home...which I had to travel along a long black bushy road, full of kangaroos and no lights...(country area)...it took me around 3 hours to get back to him...by that time he was awake and very abusive towards me for leaving him.....

I think he was scared of all the different people around him, the machines etc....and he felt safe and comforted when I was visiting him....

One thing you must really try hard to do Dear Tony, is to be very gentle on yourself and as Karen has said...Please talk to your GP about how all this is effecting you, mentally....your Dr can help yo, please don’t make the same mistake I did thinking I could manage this on my own....I crashed mentally and physically big time...Please try hard to reach out to your Dr. for you.

My kindest thoughts dear Tony with my care...and a gentle comforting hug..if that’s okay..

Grandy..

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

I couple of thoughts:

The first is when my wife was in distress I'd talk to her about other things, not trying ot reassure her or take away the fear with explanations, it was more a question of reminiscing with her about good times from the past, even if I had to do almost al the talking .

It did bring a smile at times as I tended to pick things where we had teased kids, or gone in the bush camping and anything whwere we remember laughing or or just sitting together in companionable peace. Camping by the ocean was a favorite

A bit difficult sometimes as we held hands but had to break off for the nurses etc to come in and do their tasks.

The other thing is I asked (and made a bit of a fuss) to get the hospital to provide an old recliner chair from somewhere else. On the nights I stayed all night it was a real blessing, even so I did go home most nights - I was lucky as I had to feed the dogs so it was a built-in understandable excuse that my wife thought was important.

Please deliberately pace yourself - even if it seems a bit hard-hearted when leaving, however if you have to keep going then you have to "husband" your resources. Plus EAT!

There - I made a weak joke to cheer you up:)

Croix

[Tony 24]

Thank you so much for sharing, I'm so sorry you had to do that, I have been helped so much by this site, I see a clinical Psychologist in two days, Like you I thought I could handle it.my step daughter still has Covid after 10 days so its been hard,Pat is out of emergency and in a ward, yesterday she was a little brighter, which helped me, I was exhausted after little sleep up and down from the hospital the Sydney traffic is a nightmare then parking. still not as bad as you country trips, ( so sorry ) I fell into a deep sleep only to wake a few hours later wringing wet and cold after a hot flush which always seems to start my PA but as I got up it went away I guess because I was busy changing the sheets and doing something, I got up at five and its 6 am now and I feel a little better than yesterday, Thank you for your help, how are you now? please keep in touch. thank you Tony

[Tony 24]

Thanks Croix you made me smile which I haven't done much of lately. My reply to Ggrand will bring you up to speed. those are very good suggestions and yesterday I took Pat in two photos of our little dog which we lost 3 years ago so she has a little bit of home in hospital.yesterday Pat was brighter partly because she was out of emergency and in a ward with her own nurse, she was not so dependent on me and it was ok for me to leave as you will know there are fixed visiting times in the ward not like emergency, she is in a general medical ward at the moment, the hospital are so busy. I have taken a free 5 entry pass to our local gym, it this cold weather I go to the local shopping centre and do laps, the gym opens at 5 am so I can go somewhere early if I want. Thank you. Tony