Afraid for my wife

[Tony 24]

First timer, Hi Everyone, I'm 84 and my wife had her left lung removed last year, she is struggling and I help her 24/7 but I am getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks, Just seeing her suffering before my eyes, this is my trigger, I cannot get away from it. I am seeing a professional next week and have started to take Natures own Calming tablets, I dont want to see my GP and go on anti depression medication, too many side effects. I have this overwhelming fear for her and me being left alone, I have read all I can and go to darts and meet friends, and go for walks. but what happens in the future when you go home to an empty house, how will I survive mentally, I feel I am going mad, have great trouble sleeping , its always on my mind, I try to live in the moment, At my worst I question my worth.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Tony,

I'm so sorry, it must be very hard for you.

While taking care of your wife, don't ignore your own demand as a person. You need to spend some time on what you love to do. Marriage is an extremely important part in our life, but there're also other parts such as our own hobbits, connection to other family members and the community, etc.

If you have religion, then there's something more to rely on. For example, going to your church and talking to the Priest may help you a lot.

[Karen0901]

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

I would suggest talking about the medication with your doctor. They can talk to you about your fears. I was also very afraid of the medication but I didn't actually have any side effects and it has helped me.

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

Um, I'm not sure more pressure can be put on you, so your wife refraining from saying things to help you seems to me to be misdirected effort. I understand her point of view, but feel that if the unpleasant facts are spoken of they may assist her. Once you both can mention it then maybe steps can be taken to help you despite the future

You probably disagree, however may I suggest you are very close to the whole matter, and -at least in my case - that led me to assume too much, do too much, and feel hopeless.

I then learned about myself - actually I had no choice.

I'd been brought up just after the war when men were expected to be stoic, self reliant, not indulge overly in emotion (let alone talk about it) and above all to be responsible for the family. Well, I found I needed a true partner to shoulder half the load, discuss matters with to reach mutual agreement and lean on when required.

I also found in talking both to my wife and my psych I was able to unburden myself of so much that was locked away - particularly my fears of being alone, not helping my wife enough, and generally not coping.

Actually my wife took quite a strong view, pointing out I was almost insulting her, just because she was ill was no excuse to preempt her duties and wisdom -she was quite right.

No, if you go away and leave someone else to look after your wife for a week or so then I'm sure you will fret and be uneasy, however there is the telephone, she can ring you if things are dire, and you can very occasionally ring her (not too often, and ostensibly for a chat about non-illness related matters).

The idea is to get you out of the house and atmosphere for a while to recharge your batteries. You never know your wife, once she get used to the idea, she may find it less worrying than she imagined. Being in one's 80's does not preclude new adventures:)

I suspect that we are not always in agreement, however that's fine. A different perspective can't hurt. My main desire is for you to keep on going long term, and to do so wiht a minimum of pain and distress.

I get the fact that you have often been able ot plan, in a way that can be a comfort. Can I suggest that not everything is susceptible to planning in the way you are used to? Human emotions and events are too volatile.

Good luck wiht the counseling. I'm pleased the natural tablets seem to be helping.

With the wedding, could a few minutes Facetime or other video be an alternative?

Croix

[Tony 24]

Thanks Karen I do have an appointment to see my Doctor on Monday for another matter I will discuss it with him thank you.

[Tony 24]

Thanks Mark I have decided to redecorate the inside of the house, this is something I can do during this cold weather and my wife and I agree on, Tony

[Tony 24]

Thank you for your input, At the moment I find the thought of going away difficult I will speak to the counsellor and maybe it will slowly come to happen, I am or

trying to be the strong loyal husband in all this and anything else is letting her down and her daughter will say I am deserting herI know you don't hold this view but I guess I need time,Yesterday I had a better day I was out of the house for a few hours, and decided to redecorate the inside of the house, I find painting calming and will start today, I also bought a picture painting kit to do, I am thinking to keep myself busy rather than watch TV all the time. As I said I had a day without any attacks alought a few were close, I went to sleep no problem but had bad panic attacks from 2 am, I had to get up at 5 am. Tony

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

I want to start by saying you have done -and are doing -a marvelous job. You are indeed being the 'strong loyal husband' .

The only fly in the ointment, as you are finding out, is that where the well-being of the one we love is concerned it is too easy to assume one is a bottomless well of strenght, which of course is nonsense. One has reactions of one's own, which range from simple exhaustion to more subtle things like thinking one has to try harder and harder, and to distrust others to do a good job.

I guess in some ways I was luckier. For the period my wife was at home then the time in hospital I was working all the way though. This meant firstly I was not home all the time, in fact my wife had to fend for herself when still at home, and gave me distraction and a litle bit of perspective. I could also rely upon her friends to pop in and see her.

It certainly helped, I knew I could be away and all would be good, and got a daily break for myself, even if working.

I would have given up work, however my wife was adamant I should not, and she was right, we both benefited. She was not a 'patient' or invalid. She was herself doing what she always did, if with increasing difficulties and symptoms.

When it got too difficult she went into the hospital, and from then on long daily visits in the evening and the phone were standard.

There are, if you are like me, only two people in the world at that time, you and you wife. What each thinks of the other, and the love between them is all important. What other people think is not. If she does not feel neglected all is good.

I would think the painting is a good idea, like my work it might give some distraction.

I'm hopeful your counseling visit will be helpful, it often takes another to point things out.

I too have bad sleep problems, with nightmares rather that panic attacks. They are not for the same reason, mine are work-related, however unlike you I get up straight away -no lying in bed in that half state where the tendrils of the nightmare persist. I get up, have a cuppa, read for a few minutes (I have restful books that I've enjoyed set to one side), then try again.

I'm not sure this is the recommended method for panic attacks, but at least for me this does some good.

Please let me know how you (and your wife of course) are getting on

Croix

[Tony 24]

Thanks you, you have been so helpful, I was in a deep hole, I took your advice,I started taking my anti depression medication and have seen a dramatic improvement with no side effects, I find the lavender calming tablets helpful with a good side effect in that they calm my bladder also, I keep a daily diary and yesterday and last night no attacks, some were coming but were pushed away, I found if I concentrate on something good that has happened that day it helps lift me, I find watching calming videos on You tube really helpful also I did a mediation video and that really relaxed me, I was so tense around the shoulders and it was such a nice feeling to be back to normal, I feel I am on the right side of the edge and a bit fragile but with your help in making me more aware of my feelings I feel I can be strong againI will let you know how My counselling goes on Thursday.Thank you again Croix

[Mark Z.]

What a great idea!

[Croix]

Dear Tony~

You certainly sound more relaxed in your last post, and I don't think it's all due to anti-depressants, though they certainly play their part of course.

I get the feelng you are simply more on top of things and not simply being tossed around with little control by life - with no answers. Now some of the answers -o r means to cope if you like - are starting to come.

I've not seriously used a journal for every day. I'd start with the most excellent intentions, but sort of petered out after a while. If you can manage it I've heard very good things for that approach.

One thing I have found htat helps calm me and break a chain of unwelcome thoughts is the free phone app called Smiling Mind. I'd imagine it does the same job as the YouTube meditation video. This app took some practice but was surprisingly effective

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

(You can turn off the horrible background music if you like:)

You are doing OK Tony.

Croix