2nd Time Back here - Stuffed up BIG this time

[THP71]

Don't really know where to start but need to get some of this out so here I go.

I haven't been on BB for around 6 years that was the last time I had depression. I have been off antidepressants for around 2 years (things going well) In reality I have been on a downward slope for the last 18 months and should have got help before now.

In the last 18 months I have been made redundant twice, 2nd time at end of March start of Covid. I won't go into detail but the last 18 months of work has been extremely degrading for me as well as reductions in pay, in hindsight I should have got help. I have always held a good job and worked all my life I am 48 years old.

My partner was on disability pension because she has 3 damaged vertebrae in her neck which are too far gone for surgery. She lives in constant pain, it is just a matter of how bad is it today. Money has been one of our biggest issues so despite the pain she has tried to go back to work because money was tight. This has caused her to nearly have a breakdown, the pain is unbearable and she has not been able to function normally.

So with all this going on in my head I was approached to do something Illegal which I thought would make me some good money (solve some of my problems). I know it was not right but I was at my whits end and desperate. I take full responsibility for my actions and can not blame anyone but myself anyway I got caught by the police, now I am facing criminal charges.

This has sent my anxiety / depression into overdrive. I have been to my doctor and am back on antidepressants and waiting to see a psychologist. This event has shattered me I don't want to face anyone, I am struggling. I have wrecked my reputation, my future prospects for work, I have not told my parents because I am too ashamed. I am now scared of losing everything, my house and the little I do have left.

My partner is supportive with me but she is going through her own issues with pain and depression so this weighs on my mind heavily also. I just feel so helpless and lost at the moment and like my whole life has been one big mess-up.

Anyway thanks for reading, I know I am a bit all over the place but just wanted to get some of it out.

[Emmen]

Dear THP71,

I'm sorry things have come to this. It's scary how some decisions we make in desperation end up making the situation far worse. There's nothing that can be done about the charges or the circumstances. Facing up and taking responsibility for your actions is a brave thing to do. And I'm glad you have seen a doctor again and are back on antidepressants. Hopefully it will help manage your mental state better henceforth.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I do hope you continue posting whenever you feel like you need a listening ear.

Take care,
M

[THP71]

It is scary and now with very real consequences and yes has made my situation much worse.

The worst thing I have to wait until September for court but on a positive note I have felt a lot better today for sharing, thanks for listening Emmen.

[blondguy]

Hi THP71

Emmen has provided excellent support above re the decisions we make in our lives.

I see a strong and proactive person THP71..even though you probably dont agree at this time. It takes a serious strength to jump on the forums and write a post as well as you have....That is strength. You are proactive for caring about your health and revisiting your doc....that also takes huge strength

You also have a lot on your plate at the moment and having anxiety/depressive issues would be more than understandable..

Can I wish your supportive partner my best with her health...if that is okay

I used to have chronic anxiety issues for a long time THP71....Can I ask how the anxiety effects your day to day well being? I understand you about redundancy.....It is demoralizing and a dark place to be in especially when we have lot on our plate already

I feel your pain THP71....Ive been on a low dose of AD's for a couple of decades. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post (as you know!)

Since there is no such question as a dumb one....Can I ask if your GP can help you during this difficult time? I still see my doc every 4-6 weeks for a 'tune up' if my anxiety kicks back in

we are listening

Paul

[therising]

Hi THP71

I feel for you so much as you face, again, the challenges that can come with depression. Easier said than done but try not to beat yourself up too much about having made a poor decision. We never know what we're capable of doing until we're incredibly desperate. Now, you know and now you've decided you're never going back there again. I would day 'Cased closed' but, of course, you're now facing a waiting game before September arrives. I imagine it's going to be pretty easy to get worked up to some anxiety and dread between now and then, so managing the anxiety and dread is important. Getting some support is key.

Not sure if this will help at all but I hope so: I could never quite put my finger on why, since I left my depression behind me almost 15 years ago, I'd occasionally feel like I was on the verge of slipping back in. It never felt quite fair that I was always kind of teetering on the brink. Eventually, I worked it out. Every time I face an enormous challenge, that enormous challenge holds the potential to bring me down. Of course, the little challenges have no impact at all. It's always the potentially life changing ones that test me. 'How do I raise myself through and beyond this challenge?' has now become one of my mantras in life. The question that typically follows is 'Can I manage this challenge on my own or do I need some help (from someone with constructive forms of guidance)?' If I need help, I don't waste time beating myself up for not being able to manage on my own. Such a waste of time can become pretty depressing, from my experience.

Can you think of someone who will be supportive when it comes to constructive guidance? This would be someone with a bit of natural logic; in other words someone who's not going to become overly emotional and just verbally beat you up over the whole thing and that's it. You might initially receive a bit of a reprimand from them but, heck, you've already done that yourself, so you'll be able to see where they're coming from. You need someone who'll take you beyond the point of reprimand. You want to be raised to solutions, not brought down by the harsh judgement of others.

This is an enormous challenge you face. It is potentially depressing. That's completely understandable. You've never faced this kind of challenge before so try not to be too hard on yourself as you navigate your way through it. We all make mistakes. The ultimate goal is to graduate through them, one step at a time.

🙂

[quirkywords]

THP,

elcome back to the forum.

, Pail and the rising have offered support and helpful suggestions so I wont repeat myself.

I just wanted to say have you thought of asking your doctor or a health care professional who knows you and your situation to write a reference giving a background to your mental health at time of the charges, Or if one is willing to be a character witness. I don't know the legal requirements but I know that a persons mental health can be often taken into consideration.

As well as people posting many reading this but not posting will see your honesty and bravery and will be encouraged to be as honest and responsible as you are.

There is support on these forums as you have seen and you are not alone.

Do you qualify for legal aid?

Quirky

[THP71]

Thanks Paul for responding.

You said you can see a strong and proactive person in me, deep down I know what I need to do it is just so hard to fight it in my mind and when the body doesn't feel like doing anything.

My partner has taken steps to help with her issues thanks for caring.

As for the anxiety I have found meditation has helped somewhat, I am learning to calm my mind. It seems to help stop my mind racing.

I do also have a follow up with my GP in a week while I am waiting to see a psychologist.

The worst thing is the shame of what I have done and having to face people and then I will need to try and find work again with a criminal record, not sure how that is going to go. Waiting until September for my first court date and it won't be finished then either, there will be more court after that. This is worrying me as I have never been in trouble before and have no criminal history so not sure what to expect.

Anyway thanks for listening Paul, it seems to be helping talking about it also.

[THP71]

Hi Quirky

Yes I am applying for legal aid at the moment, and thanks for your input it may help.

Also good advice Rising thank you for sharing, I will keep your advice in mind but I don't really have anyone I can open up to at this stage the guilt is still eating me up and I fear anyone knowing what happened, but I know I need to face it eventually. I will get there.

[blondguy]

Hey THP71

Thankyou for finding the time to reply to everyone (not that a response is expected of course!)

The shame would be awful to deal with without doubt THP....Just a point when September comes up if I can....You have been and are in a tough place that would be a rocky road for anyone....Taking a copy (screengrab) of this entire thread will show the decent and proactive person you are including your remorse

Good on you for engaging your medical professionals THP71

There is no judgment here....just the best possible support we can provide

Hope you are doing okay

we are listening...

Paul

[THP71]

Thanks Paul, I am doing a little better and I find responding and reading the forum helps.

I have been doing the meditation on headspace I am finding that helps a lot.

Anyway thanks for being here and listening it does help.