Wondering about Autism

[tmas]

Hi, I'm a little unsure as I write this.

I'm at a point where I've begun to seriously consider I might be on the spectrum, but I'm not sure what to do with this. Throughout my teens I had a myriad of diagnoses, they all made sense for my symptoms, but I'm a big believer that diagnoses are not definitive (they certainly never felt that way). It's easy to identify with a label, but I am now at a point where they are more of a diagnostic/treatment tool that doesn't always serve the patient. Thought I'd preface with that.

About six months ago I was diagnosed with adult ADHD, I'm now 21 and the signs were always there, but they were largely blamed on anxiety. I know neurodivergent women are under diagnosed, and I had huge pushback from my family when I was considering ADHD assessment. In the end, I was diagnosed and respond very well to medication.

The one thing that didn't really change, and perhaps even became more identifiable, were sensory issues that I had blamed on my OCD but realised had been there my whole life and had continued even as my anxiety became more manageable - I'm in a constant battle between under (novelty-seeking) and over stimulation (panic attacks, burn out, shut down). They were just a little quirk of my behaviour (I hated hugs as a kid, hated certain foods, was generally just that weird little kid that spoke fast, or not at all, and knew too much about certain things), but living with a partner I've realised a lot about myself - my communication style, my obsessiveness, my inflexibility with routine and love for the mundane. I'm rethinking stimming, and listening to the stories of late-diagnosed ASD women is frighteningly relatable. I did the autism quotient test and scored well into the range for ASD, but am struggling to understand the pros and cons of diagnosis. I've been considering it since I was 14, but only in the last year or so have I actually bothered to learn what autism really looks like (outside of gross 90's movies).

Advice is appreciated. 

[Junior1962]

Hi there

My adult son has autism.  His scenario is very different to yours though as he has mild-moderate intellectual disability (and bipolar II) with it. He also has ADHD but that is well controlled these days.

He was diagnosed just before his 4th birthday, so he has really only ever known autism, and i started mentioning the word to him when he was around 6. He used to say, "tistic" - lol. 

In terms of the pros and cons of diagnosis, I believe there are at least two.  One, it can open the door to services / supports, and two, it helps one to understand oneself better.  The latter can change one's perspective greatly.   Remember though, we are not our labels.  We are people with our own individual personalities and likes and dislikes.  A label just explains our behaviour and ways of responding to the world. 

I hope this helps.

[Anonny]

Hi tmas,

Your post was extremely articulate and insightful, so regardless of any diagnosis, that is a huge pro from my perspective. I'm on the spectrum, just don't have the obsessive routine criteria but most people I know say I am. That is the con. However over the years the people that I have met that also are have an instant bond and mental connection - that is a huge pro. Do you talk to your partner about this? 

[tmas]

I actually have spoken to my partner about this. The thought didn't come to me properly until a month or so ago that ASD would explain some things, I told him as much and he just said he wouldn't be surprised but it doesn't change anything and he chooses to cooperate. I must say I'm kind of proud for the independence that comes with living in your own space and finally having the room to see what's "too much" and being allowed to change it. I've had to explain to him several things that I've just never had to articulate as I'd either assumed was an everyone-thing or that I wasn't even aware of yet. I never thought I was obsessive either, but I have been proven very wrong by the mere fact of having to verbalise my needs or just continue feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

He didn't seem to understand the level of detail I put into my own demeanour, he seemed quite confused when I told him that when I want someone to be my friend I mirror their body language and speech pattern so that they can feel at ease with me - I'm not trying to manipulate them, I just read about it when I was a child and have done it ever since. I've just always struggled to keep friends my own age, I was told many times in my childhood that I "act like I think I'm smarter than other people by going on and on about something only I know" though this was never my intention. Again, I'm not saying this means I'm autistic, but my mind was blown when I was told about masking for the first time - though I think this kind of masking is something most females are taught from birth.

A few years ago I was seeing a girl who had been recently diagnosed with ASD (this was my first introduction to a woman diagnosed later in life who had masked her way to 19 and managed to get every diagnosis except ASD along the way). I can't forget having a conversation with her, and saying that I was an unhappy child because I felt separate from most of my peers despite my every effort to look and act just like them, my worries seemed so different from theirs. She immediately shut me down and said if I was autistic I wouldn't have noticed I was different, because she didn't. This was a weird sort of remark but I took it as gospel at the time and was ashamed to have ever considered it. I've out grown that though.