What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi everyone,

I have an appointment with my therapist soon and I was thinking about how hard it has been to really find someone that I can connect with, and I thought it might be a cool discussion to have - especially since it can be hard finding a therapist in the first place, let alone one you like- and if it's someones first time, we're not always sure what to expect!

Some of my red flags from older therapists have been telling me that things (abuse) was all my fault, telling me either I don't need therapy or I should be in therapy for a long time and cancelling and rescheduling all the time.

Some of the green flags for me have been letting me share how I feel about therapy, talking about our relationship without being scared by it, feeling validated and feeling safe.

I think I'd known that I'd found my (long-term) therapist in the first session because I felt really comfortable and safe with her, although sometimes it can take a little while.

What about you? Have you had any red flags or green flags you want to share?

rt

[softdrinksandwich]

Hey there,

Green flag for me was empathising with my situation. It allowed me to feel more comfortable opening up. Hearing my therapist acknowledge that what I was going through was tough, and that it's very human - those kind of things relaxed me so much.

Another green flag is getting actionable tips to carry out of the sessions. I'm amazed at how much my current therapists' words stay with me throughout each day. Simple catchphrases that ground me through tough times.

Red flag for me was getting tricked into an answer. I had a therapist who had a habit of asking me questions so that I could say the answers myself, and they did it in a fashion that was like "see it's not that hard to figure out is it". I was uncomfortable with that because it turned the process into a game, and I kept feeling like I was stupid because I couldn't spell it out until she did that. It also didn't work well long-term because I had no takeaways from that approach. We figured it out in the moment, but it didn't resonate with me.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

I'm on my 4th. Been with her over a decade now 🙂

Freudian thinking doesn't work with me. I told my first therapist I was scared to walk down the street, so she told me that's exactly what I should do. Um yeah nah...

The second told me I wouldn't do anything different until I'd hit rock bottom, as I was comfortable with what I knew. Um why am I here then?

The third asked me to paraphrase the things he told me, which I had difficulty doing due to having anxiety. Too uncomfortable.

Current one is down to earth and I feel like I have someone on my team now. Offers lots of practical advice and gives me "homework" so I don't feel at sea between sessions. She also doesn't check to make sure I've done it though, so there's no pressure.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi softdrinksandwich,

Thank you for contributing! 🙂

Yes, yes, I'm nodding at both. I definitely have my therapists voice in my head imagining what she might say when I'm going through something difficult. Please feel free to share their catchphrases too! It sounds like you have/had a really lovely one.

also yes, I had a therapist like that too. Almost like "duh", but if it really was that easy we wouldn't be there in the first place. So important that you found one that you like; thank you again for sharing this with us.

rt

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Katyonthehamsterwheel,

Thank you for contributing too! 🙂

Aw geez, it sounds like you had to go through a few to find the one that you liked! I'm so over this 101 advice- if you're sitting there on the couch you've probably already tried all the things or heard it all anyway.

I'm so glad that you have a good one now, a decade is great! I hope to be with mine for that long too (I think she'd be okay with it). Well done to you for still persisting even through some bad eggs.

Thank you again for sharing. I was worried this post would flop so having you and softdrinksandwich make it worth it

rt

[tryingmybes7]

Hi everyone,

My husband has been seeing a therapist for almost 3 months now as his depression and anxiety symptoms took over him severely after the loss of his father earlier this year.

I am seeking some assistance as to what it should feel like when you are talking with the right therapist? He doesn't always tell me what they talk about during these sessions but yesterday he did mention he is looking to end/postpone these sessions as he feels he does all the talking during these sessions and she only listens and asks questions and tells him what he is going through is normal for other people in his situation. He is quite proactive in researching about grief and depression so he said he is aware of all this. To add to this, he says he feels like it is a waste of money.

He said he is looking for further advice which she does not not provide.

Any help is appreciated - I am new at being a support person myself.

[Guest9337]

G'day romantic_thi3f,

Thanks for sharing up your coloured flags, really useful stuff!

My reactions to my life circumstances aimed me at being a very openly honest and accepting person. So over decades I basically green flagged any and all professional psych/doctor's. I am highly confident that's not the right way to go about improving my wellness, either then or now.

These days I read the ethics of the organisations the professional is a member of, and I'll examine every sentence or action of the professional, through the lens of their mandated ethics. Red flags are breaches of ethics, green flags are useful stuff!

So I have found I've become more astute at what is a red flag or a green flag for me.

[LJpd81]

I will be seeing a psychologist soon for the first time , so I am definitely following this thread.

[Lillylane]

Hi tryingmybes7,

I feel for your/your husband’s situation. I have had to try more than one therapist before finding the ‘right’ one.

If one wasn’t working, I’d go back to my GP and explain what I was looking for.

As to the way it ‘feels’ when talking to the right one...

For me it felt like I felt heard. And I didn’t have to do all the talking. But she didn’t do all the talking either. She often checks with me how I am feeling and whether the direction of conversation is where I want it to go.

Some sessions can be harder than others. Often the realisations I need to have, happen between sessions.

I hope your husband finds a therapist he feels comfortable with.

This is stressful on you too as his support, so I hope we can be here for you too.

Lillylane

[Lillylane]

I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a while now, who I have found to be great.

I’ve just found out that she is moving to another city at the end of the year.

I’m not looking forward to having to tell everything all over again to a new person.