Trust BROKEN

[TheBigBlue]

I have been seeing my current psychologist for about 2 years now. We had a good relationship. She knows I struggle with opening up to people & this has been a topic of discussion between us for a long time.

Earlier this week, I was really struggling, to the point of ******** ideation, so I sent her text message explaining how I was feeling & that I thought someone should know.

She did not reply, but today she has sent a text to my partner requesting my parents contact details. She has “threatened” to contact my parents previously & I asked her to not go down that path as 1 of my parents is involved in my childhood trauma & I don’t want them involved at all. I also told her that the thought of my parents knowing makes the situation worse as I would do anything to keep my issues private from them.

i feel so upset & riddled with anxiety right now. I’m ok with her reaching out to my boyfriend & understand her reasons why, but using that threat of the parents makes me scared & annoyed. I even took my sister to a session one time. She could ask for my sisters contact details, why my parents???!!?! I’m a middle aged woman, I don’t see how my parents should be involved when I have previously asked them NOT to be.

Anyway, feeling so scared & alone right now, I didn’t know where else to reach out 😥

[TheBigBlue]

Finally!

30 days exactly since my last appointment, I finally have an appointment with the psychologist tomorrow. Not sure what to expect, but it’s been such a hard month I have no energy to freak out any more.

I spoke to the psychiatrist today. He’s good, he listens & discusses things with me. I guess that helped a little. He’s prepared to help me out if things go badly wth the psychologist tomorrow. But he was pleased I didn’t just sever ties with her & walk away. He reckons the me he met a year ago would have just given up, so at least I feel a little better that he has faith in me & even during the tough times he still seems to see improvement in me.

sometimes I think he is the only one to see it, but it’s better than no one, so…….yay?

Anyway, cross your fingers for me…….

[LJpd81]

I'm so happy to hear that you finally have an appointment. I hope it goes well today.

[LJpd81]

How did you go today?

[TheBigBlue]

Hey LJ,

Thanks for caring.

The session went fine, but I still feel a bit weird. Not sure if I am entirely comfortable with her anymore.

She was very critical, in my opinion harshly critical of my partner, thinking he isn’t doing enough for me. It kind of makes me feel angry, but she doesn’t know him very well so I didn’t say anything. But it’s a little disturbing when your psychologist says “ I’m not telling you to break up with him, but…..”

She said I was currently at “high risk” of harm which has bummed me out. I know I am struggling but it feels bad knowing other people are thinking that about me.

She told me today that she has only ever had 1 person that refused to leave the pit of despair, but I might be the second.

wow, just wow.

I’ve been seeing this woman almost weekly for 2 years, I see a psychiatrist, I take all my meds as prescribed, I attended every class of DBT, I linked up with a peer support group (of my own accord). What else is she expecting me to do? Just click my fingers & magically be fixed?

I’ve booked in for another appointment next week, but no idea if this will continue with her. She just seems so negative now & nothing I do is good enough.

[LJpd81]

I hope you're going ok.

I'm sorry it didn't go as well as you wanted.

You have to be happy with your psychologist. If you're not happy then change. You do what's best for you.

Sending big hugs for you.

Louise xxx