The first step

[Missmay97]

I found out I was pregnant, due in April 2020, in November 2019 I found out at 20 weeks my baby had extreme abnormalities and would not survive. At 21 weeks I birthed my baby, she was stillborn, born without life. I haven’t seeked any help yet as I don’t know where to begin. I don’t want to talk about it because it hurts, but I’m not coping well. My sister is due with her first baby in a few weeks, my friend at work is newly pregnant and my boss is having his baby this month. There are so many triggers and I don’t know how to handle it. I usually just end up crying all day and sleeping. I’m still working to try and stay busy but it’s becoming too much to handle and I’m ready to quit. Everyone thinks I’m so strong because I returned to work and they only see my happy face, on the inside I’m screaming for help. I have no answers as to why my baby was different and I have no answers of it happening again. I’m digging myself into a hole by not seeking help. I need to know where to start. I guess this is the first step?

[TheBigBlue]

I haven’t been through this experience (nor even been pregnant), but can imagine this must be one of the hardest things to ever go through.

my closest friend lost her baby at 8 months in November too. I see the pain she goes through, especially when celebrating her nephews birthdays, or what was meant to be her sons first Christmas etc.

She has started to see a psychologist about her grief. She said the first session was really difficult as she struggled to contain her emotions but she felt more confident after the session & that she was told she was coping well. She definitely wants to continue talking to someone about it.

Have you tried any grief counselling or finding someone you are comfortable to talk too, even just an understanding friend? There may even be support groups for such a loss, perhaps a GP can assist you in finding out who to contact.

Grief is normal & grief is painful. I hope you can find a way to manage it.

Take care of yourself xxx

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. Yes this is the first step of many. Grief is natural and it takes to heal. You could talk to your GP who might be able to refer you to a counselor or psychologist? And anything you say is treated highly confidentially. As for where to start - there is no right or wrong place and your story will come out however it is meant to. You can also write here if that is helpful and I will listen and respond

Peace and comfort to you,
Tim

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Missmay97,

Welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear of your experience. Losing a baby, no matter what age, is described to be unbearable. You are not alone and yes, this is definitely a good start in your journey. Many people have had experiences with losing a baby, having a still birth or a miscarriage. You are not alone in your experience. You would not be the first woman I have spoken to who hides these feelings away. I have a girl in my mothers group who disclosed a miscarriage to all of us and it revealed so much about the difficulty so many woman (and men) go through, and often in silence.

If you are not getting enough specific support here on the forum, and haven't made the step towards talking with a GP, there are organisations that might be able to help.

One is called SANDS and the contact number is 1300 072 637. SANDS is for people who have lost a newborn, had a stillbirth or miscarriage and the support can be described below:

"We know intense feelings of grief can surface when you least expect them. That’s why we have volunteer parent supporters ready to take your phone call at any time of the day or night. No matter when you call, you’ll be connected to a Sands volunteer who can offer you confidential, non-judgemental and compassionate support from the perspective of someone who understands what you’re going through. Every person on our phone line has themselves experienced the loss of a pregnancy or baby.

You don’t need to know what you’re going to say before you call, and you don’t need to wait until you feel more ‘together’. The person answering your call will give you all the time, space and support you need to find your voice."

Both Tim and The Big Blue mentioned talking with your GP which is also a really good first step. There are specific psychologists and counsellors that help people going through this type of loss and a GP can refer you.

I hope you find the strength to reach out and get some support, even if it is with the support of a friend or family member. Grief is something most of us will go through and is never a straightforward process and can be bumpy and a really difficult journey. Getting some support can help people navigate grief and their journey through it.

Please reach out here if you feel safe and if writing out your feelings or story helps, We are listening.

Nurse Jenn