Off and on, and constantly switching Medication

[4pawslove]

Hi there

First time post for me, after reading the support an advice offered here I felt hopeful I could ask a few questions and share a bit of my story among people who understand and may also be able to offer me ideas. For me the last 6/8 months have been an on going battle and an utter disappointment as I promised myself I would not walk down this path again- yet I saw it coming and could not stop myself from slipping- so scary when you know all the signs and you try all the things you have learnt to aviod the dark but still it comes. This is why I take medication- but as of late nothing seems to be working and I have hit rock bottom.

I have been in and out of depressive episodes for the past 10 years, most of which I have been medicated- taking various SNRI's (but they had no effect). In the past taking medication has worked because it enabled me to concentrate, to get on with tasks i was struggling with and getting overwhelmed with, stop my inner chatter and get me into a head space where I see things rationally. It would keep my mood stable by just making me feel numb. But the pay offs where a flat/foggy feeling, no emotional connection to one or anything, sweating, drowsiness and feeling like i've lost all personality/creativity and original thought.

In the recent episode I have had- I have chopped and changed medication around alot, giving each a fair go (couple of months) but nothing seems to be working. So I've looked at other options- hypnotherapy, mediation, exercise, diet change, supplements, seeing a psychiatrist to change my medication yet again- but no progress. I am now 1 week in to no medication at all- and its not going well- I am very anxious .I know each person is different and medication has various effects but I wondered if anyone else has been through this constant search I seem to be on for the right way to move forward positively? I know this is the sort of stuff I should be asking a doctor but ive been to so many- ¬ found one I trust or feel has helped me in any way. Im over psychology, psychiatrists, health plans- they have all been dead ends for me. So wondering if anyone here has anything they would like to share that they think might help.

[blondguy]

Hi 4pawslove

Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to post too 4paws

I feel your pain on this subject. It can be a confusing and frustrating place to be in.

I tried using all the natural self healing methods for 13 years and actually became worse (thats just me of course)

This is my 35th year with depression (early stages were anxiety) and felt similar to you with an SSRI...a bit vague but able to function and have a better quality of life though without those awful periods of darkness.

I understand that you have this black dog for a while now and tried various doctors too

You mentioned "In the past taking medication has worked because it enabled me to
concentrate, to get on with tasks i was struggling with and getting
overwhelmed with, stop my inner chatter and get me into a head space
where I see things rationally. It would keep my mood stable by just
making me feel numb"

This is exactly how I felt too 4paws. Continuing with the meds through this semi foggy state is essential to get back most of your quality of life.

The meds are never a fix all. The do provide us with a solid platform on which we can heal using frequent therapy. For me it was 7 months of weekly (free) therapy using the public health system. I had a psychiatric nurse who was one of the best therapists I have ever had.

Being at that 'semi foggy' stage the foundations are there for you to use all the various coping techniques with your therapist too. The 'fog' does go away and your life quality will return.

Its the combination of the meds and everything else (a holistic approach) that works well,

I know its hard yakka but depression is no different to recovering/treating a serious physical illness. Depression is partially chemically based which makes it a partially physical illness anyway.

It does take huge patience and a strong determination to heal.

Many of the GP's now have terrific knowledge on depression. I have a great GP who set up my whole meds (and counseling) regime after all the natural methods failed.

I hope some of this is of help to you 4pawslove

you are not alone here by any means

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi 4pawslove,

Thanks for your post.

This is something I can relate to a lot and my psychiatrist as often mentioned about having 'too many cooks in the kitchen'.

It sounds like you've invested a lot of time and energy (and probably money too) in working towards getting better; hypnotherapy, medication, therapy, exercise, diet, supplements, exercise - gosh the list goes on! While I agree that many of these can be helpful; I think that investing too much can almost be counterproductive.

What if you were to take a step back from trying new things? What would that look like for you?

I know from my own experience I have both physical and mental health issues so it's not uncommon for me to spend so much time and money looking for new things to try and going to appointments. It's exhausting! At a certain point I think it helps to take a step back and just look at how far you've come already.

What does your day look like now? Are you working or studying? You may even find that there are little things during the day that you can change that help. Even if it's only a little.

[4pawslove]

Hi Paul

Thank you so much for your reply- I have noticed you give alot of advice and support to everyone on here and your words come from experience so its comforting to speak to someone who has been through all this and understands! The black dog has been hanging around way too long- as much as I love our four legged friends this one is no friend of mine.

Can I ask how did you get help from a psychiatric nurse and free therapy? I'm not too clued into how to acess the public health system I always show my medicare card but always pay in full and don't receive a rebate? I have access to the mental health plan but it only covers 50% of the cost and I'm so over going through my story to doctors and psyclolgists- that has not helped me at all, or perhaps Ive just never found the right one. My struggle is mainly a chemical one- life circumstances play into it but often I have no reason to feel sad/disconnected/insignificant- but I just do. I have a memory like a gold fish, I have no passions to distract me as I've lost most of my creativity and original thought and I have a constant anxiety about not knowing anything/not having any skills or keeping up with the world. I get so stuck in the mentality that everything is going wrong I block out any glimmer of positivity that comes my way. I'm lucky enough to have a partner who has been with me for 9 years and knows how this roller coaster goes, he can see I'm not thinking rationally and reminds me that its the depression that has dampened my personality and that I'm still me under all this. We also work together
in our own small business so its frustrating for him when im all over the place and not on task most of the time. He has the patience of a saint and is like my personal psychologist- but its an tense emotional drain repeating encouragement to me over and over again. I went to the doctor today and got my medication back, dreading taking it and putting it off but feel like it needs to be done otherwise I wont have the foundation to do other things to get on the path of recovery. Thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts XXX
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[4pawslove]

Hi Romantic_thi3fs-Thank you for replying to my post- totally your agree with your psychiatrist with the 'too many cooks in the kitchen' notion, I go through spaz moments of trying to fix my life and try to do a million things at once but because I'm not well or focused none of them work and i dont see them through so it just becomes another reason to feel down. As you said you spend so much time trying to get yourself better it becomes all consuming and exhausting!

Id say for me my problem is mostly chemical- depression runs in the family and I get easily overwhelmed or thrown out when there is a big change going on. I also have PCOS which means my cycle and hormones are all over the joint so often I cant really pin point why I feel so foggy and disconnected I just do. I currently run my own business with my partner, who is amazing and has had to put up with months on end of me feeling like this. Our business isnt what I trained in and its manual work- so its tiring. I don't have a passion for it at all and feel despite it being what many would consider a good job i;m the classic grass is always greener. I don't get to socialse with people or meet new creative people to give me inspiration or idea its quite solitary work. I use to be a creative people person but with this black dog hanging around I retreat inward and cut myself off from family and friends for fear of not having anything interesting or positive to say. Its a vicious cycle. Since your message I have tried to look at things in my day and how I can change them. Going out of my comfort zone today and talking to strangers while working & enjoying the cool weather with the warm sun, and even laughing at something that happened which I haven't done in a while. Its all time and repetition until you will your brain into thinking less negative and more positive. Have you been given any tips that have worked for you? Im willing to try near anything!XXXX
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[blondguy]

Hi 4pawslove

Thankyou heaps for the super kind post 🙂 Always great to receive kind feedback

To answer your question, I had chronic anxiety years ago and called the local council and they organised a social worker who was a great help. The council also organised a mental health worker to come out as I was at the stage of nearly being housebound.. That MHW was the psychiatric nurse I mentioned above.

He was great. He said he could help me get better but it was on his terms...weekly with no ifs or buts...He gave me my life back 4paws.

He left and I had to see another person by appointment (outpatients public mental hosp)...It never cost a cent.

Your partner is a legend and a saint! What a guy! Thats great to hear you have mega support

The roller coaster super lows will reduce in severity with your depression.

Can I ask how long (and frequency) you saw a psychologist for last time? The normally only talk a just a little so they can get a better picture whats happening and then a good psych will start pressing buttons that are uncomfortable...You know when you are progressing if she/he gets you bawling your eyes out....A great way to vent all the built up inner frustrations we didnt even know we had

You have done really well by seeing your doc that fast and getting the meds back. They will level off those super lows and stray thoughts you have.

The vagueness and cloudy feeling does pass 4paws. You also have your GP as a support too......even leaving a message its still very reassuring to have them ring back at the end of the day 🙂

I still annoy my GP every month for a 'tune up' if my thinking starts to veer off course

Thanks so much for posting back to us

be gentle with yourself...you deserve it 4paws

Paulx

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi 4pawslove,

Thanks for your post. I'm so glad it resonated with you and can completely resonate with what you've said. I think in a way it can feel like being between a rock and a hard place - pushing yourself to get better so that you don't feel down but the exhaustion of that can pull you down too.

It sounds like there are many many factors contributing to your depression right now; PCOS would throw anyone out, and I hear that you're not passionate about your job so it's only natural that it would become harder to do if you're not interested in it.

It sounds from your post like your husband is really supportive and I'm wondering if you've shared these concerns with him too? Maybe there might be a way to adapt what you're doing so that you can better be interested in it; whether it's finding a way to network/outreach more (leading to more socialisation) or changing your responsibilities so that you can make time for things important to you.

I'm so happy to hear that! I actually wanted to start of this thread with YAY because it's such a huge moment. All these little moments, whether it's socialising, being out of your comfort zone, being grateful for the weather or having a laugh should be celebrated. I think this is something that we naturally ignore because we figure it's no big deal - but it is. Over time, these moments can add up.

Are there any other things that you've thought of on how you might be able to change your day?

One thing that my therapist suggested was to keep a diary hour-by-hour for a week on the things I was doing and how I felt (scale of 1-10). I found that my mood was naturally low in the morning and higher in the afternoon (pretty typical for depression) but that certain things during my day would change my mood - like watching the news on TV, reading, checking emails, etc. You may find that even really simple changes can add up; like now I watch something else on TV because watching the news makes me feel more miserable! If this is something that interests you you could try it - http://disordersofmood.com/assets/CBT_Daily_Activity_Diary.pdf

1/2

[romantic_thi3f]

Other things that have helped me is trying to create a routine (sleeping/waking same time) and scheduling fun things to do. Even if we have days where nothing brings us joy it's still important
to keep pushing and discovering. You mentioned being creative and
inspired; how do you like to be creative?

The things that I enjoy doing are reading, going on Pinterest (I'm addicted to that app), watching documentaries, talking my dog for a walk, baking and making collages/vision boards with old magazines.

If none of these resonate with you I also found a list of things you could try
- http://elishagoldstein.com/assets/183-pleasurable-activities-to-choose-from.pdf

Oh, and finally - if you have a smartphone I also recommend the YOU app; it's created
by Jamie Oliver and the idea is that you take a photo of small micro-actions -
things like getting something done in 2 minutes, eating something healthy,
finding gratitude. All these tiny little things that add up. The photos
can also be private, and the app is free.

2/2

[4pawslove]

Romantic_thi3f thank

you- so much for looking all that for me-there and so many ideas for little things to improve mood day to day! I like doing the exact things you like doing (walking dog, baking, Pinterest, crafting) so I can identify with that! Will check out those apps for sure!

[4pawslove]

Pete your story is inspiring. Thank you for sharing it with me. Back on the meds day 2: meditating each day, eating well & lots of fish oil!

🐾🐾