Hi JoJo,
Thanks for explaining more how you are feeling. I worked with a boy who had ADHD, Autism, epilepsy, Asperger's plus what ever else he had been diagnosed with. He certainly behaved differently from other children in our vacation care.
Regarding the books and wanting to read, if you access to a library, borrow a child's book, one that looks interesting without very many pages, and try to read that. One thing I do when I have trouble concentrating, is to borrow books with loads of photographs and only a small description of each photo.
You could look at the photo, read the words, and then try to capture your own sense of feeling for the photo. Consider if it is hot/cold in that place, what would you do if you were there? How would the place smell? What might be behind you if you looked in a different direction. I don't know if that might help or not.
I like the idea of lighting candles and listening to music where you don't have to know the words. Try some songs in different languages as well, like say Spanish, French, Chinese, that will give you a broader scope of music to listen to.
A life time of suffering is hard to let go of. Try to think of the good events that took place in-between. My first husband used me as a punching bag, but I still remember the amazing adventures we had together exploring different areas in Central Australia.
Here is Australia, we have just had a Mental Health week, where the Nation is encouraged to think about and consider mental health issues. For some people depression is still a hard topic to talk about, at least the awareness is out there.
We too have unwanted animals who are put to sleep. Have you thought about trying to get in to a centre where they train dogs for various activities, like guide dogs, rehabilitation dogs, working dogs, or fostering dogs that need a transitional home. A vet centre might be able to direct you to such organisations. That work would be very rewarding. I have heard of programs like that running in prisons also.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, so understand the sense of being disassociated and disconnected. I sometimes need to work hard at being present in the moment when being with some people. In my work I care for the elderly in their homes. They are all such loving people, I feel very connected with them. They are probably looking for recognition themselves, so we give to each other and it works well.
Hope this helps from Mrs. Dools
