im stuck in a vicious cycle...i need some advice...things are complicated

[--Danny--]

Hi everyone, I'm in struggle city..need some good advice...

I grew up in a house where my parents were yelling/screaming/fighting...threats of suicide, separation, no money, I was always getting blamed for stuff...I was a referee between the two of them fighting since age 10...I remember saying to myself as a kid that I hated my life...fighting in public places...my parents said things & did things to each other that was awful for kids to see...I always wanted to run away from home...I guess my anxiety was forged into me then...

When I turned 16, I started an apprenticeship...I started becoming an alcoholic straight away...binge drinking 4-5 days a week...living at home wasn't easy...I met my wife when I was aged 17, she was 15..we now have four beautiful children...I'm now 31 yrs old...still a binge drinker, & I have done some stupid things while under the influence of alcohol...mainly getting drunk & hanging with my friends...usually acting like a fool & waking up regretting everything I did or said...

At age 24, I got hooked on weed & have smoked it daily since...when I started smoking, it calmed me at first...but after a while it caused extreme panic attacks, anxiety, depression...I've been on heaps of different anti depressants...one particular brand cured my illnesses for 2-3 yrs...I went off them once I was well...got depression again & had trouble sleeping...got anti depressants to help me sleep..I recently got off them because of side effects(weight gain)..I have been put on the ones that cured me the first time....I've been on them for a week...I haven't drank a drop since I started new medication:):) I'm struggling with the initial side effects of new medication...bad anxiety/panic...these should go away within a week...

Once i overcome drinking...next step is smoking...I just want to be a better husband & father...I'm hoping one day I will find my inner peace....

[--Danny--]

Hey Cas,

Good work today!! Keep chipping away..this is amazing news! I'm very affectionate towards my family...plenty of cuddles at my place...I'm very grateful for my family!!

My anxiety/panic/nervousness can't really be fixed with a cuddle or anything like that...it's different...more like feeling ashamed of myself...I always feel this & I can't explain why? It's like I always think I'm going to get into trouble for something...if I do something really good, I don't know how to embrace the feeling of doing something good....I guess my brain just refuses to accept rewards/compliments..really hard to explain...

On a positive note, I still haven't drank alcohol in 10 days!! That's one thing I can honestly say I'm proud of:):)....alcohol is such a downer...

I been working mega hours at work recently..sorry for late reply...I'm hoping your night has been as good as your day:-):-):-):-D:-D:-D

Keep chipping away,

Danny

[Blue_]

Hey Dan, 

sounds like you're feeling a lot better. You said you didn't want to go to counselling but it would help with the anxiety and nervousness because you get taught how to deal with it and you learn about the root of why you feel like that and learn how to let that go. Therapy AND medication is four times more successful than them on their own. My doctor told me that today actually. I'm starting medication as of tomorrow which I'm very excited about. 

Anyway, give it a think over. 

Cas. 

[--Danny--]

Hi Cas, I'm not big on counselling ey....I probably won't go down that road...first thing to fix is the drinking, weed, get all the poisons out of my body...then start going for runs & doing lots of cardio...it's good for the brain..if I've I'm on my medication, doing cardio & living clean & healthy...& still struggling, then I guess counselling would be the next step...

How is your first day on medication treating u? Hopefully 3 good days in a row for ya mate:-):-):-)

Best wishes Cas,

Danny

[Blue_]

Fair enough, those might just be enough for you as well. Even if you don't do counsellor it might benefit you to do some of your own research on the internet if you do start to feel a little worse. Or maybe better to do it while you're feeling good to teach yourself to think in a different, more positive way to help with the anxious/guilty feelings. 

You're better than me! I can't be bothered to get out of bed and I'm not really eating well. I've never been good with motivation. 

Far out, I feel better, like happier but I'm freaking tired as anything and it's making things frustrating. I think the stuff to help me sleep is having a reverse affect on me haha. 

Talk soon, Cas.

[--Danny--]

Hey Cas,

I will take your advice & do some research I think...it can't hurt ey!! You will get their Cas, step by step..thanks for your support..it's hard to find people who listen...

Warm regards,

Danny

[Blue_]

Hey Dan,

Yeah, I'm basically an internet fiend when it comes to researching things on self esteem, depression, anxiety, life stuff in general, health, everything. Haha. Einstein once said knowledge is power so it definitely won't hurt 🙂  

Its hard to find people that listen? That's doesn't sound good, is everything okay? 

Cas.

[--Danny--]

Hi Cas, it's good that u like studying & reading..your words of wisdom have really helped me in the last 2 weeks...I haven't drank a drop of alcohol in 17 days...u definately have supported me 🙂 & my family have seen the positive change..

I must say ol Cas, u have been a very positive influence for me & u are making my battles a lot easier! 

Thanks for being a mate 🙂

Danny

[Blue_]

Hey Dan, I feel like if you study about your condition you can find great coping mechanisms and find what triggers you and either try to avoid those things or find ways to cope with these triggers better. You have to replace all the negative things you say to yourself with positive things. 

You're doing soooo well Dan! After a month you definitely deserve to treat yourself with something, maybe a weekend of fishing or camping? Maybe not camping because it's freezing haha. Just something though, reward yourself for your great effort! 

Same here Dan, thanks for being a positive influence and a friend. 

Cas.

[--Danny--]

Hey Cas, it's good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well! After a month of not drinking, I reckon I will take my wife out...I've saved a bit of cash from not drinking :)...have u still quit alcohol aswell? How many days now Cas? I've lost plenty of weight aswell since I quit...plenty of positives...no negatives yet? I'm not sure how long I last? I been smoking way to much the last week...especially when I'm hanging for a beer...I'm feeling pretty depressed tonight...I feel very distanced from everyone in the house..

[Blue_]

Hey Dan, 

I was bad and had a couple on the weekend because it was my friends birthday. I didn't go overboard and had a great night though. I'm still eating well and I'll go for a run in a bit. I was feeling down this morning but I got myself out of it which is great for me, I'm proud of myself. I'm just going to keep working on me, it's the only way I'll get better. 

Don't stress too much Dan, you've done so good and we all slip up. I'm proud of you for lasting without drinking despite all the pressure! Have you thought anymore about going to a doctor to get something to help with the cravings? It might really help make things easier. Thinking of you.

Cas.