im stuck in a vicious cycle...i need some advice...things are complicated

[--Danny--]

Hi everyone, I'm in struggle city..need some good advice...

I grew up in a house where my parents were yelling/screaming/fighting...threats of suicide, separation, no money, I was always getting blamed for stuff...I was a referee between the two of them fighting since age 10...I remember saying to myself as a kid that I hated my life...fighting in public places...my parents said things & did things to each other that was awful for kids to see...I always wanted to run away from home...I guess my anxiety was forged into me then...

When I turned 16, I started an apprenticeship...I started becoming an alcoholic straight away...binge drinking 4-5 days a week...living at home wasn't easy...I met my wife when I was aged 17, she was 15..we now have four beautiful children...I'm now 31 yrs old...still a binge drinker, & I have done some stupid things while under the influence of alcohol...mainly getting drunk & hanging with my friends...usually acting like a fool & waking up regretting everything I did or said...

At age 24, I got hooked on weed & have smoked it daily since...when I started smoking, it calmed me at first...but after a while it caused extreme panic attacks, anxiety, depression...I've been on heaps of different anti depressants...one particular brand cured my illnesses for 2-3 yrs...I went off them once I was well...got depression again & had trouble sleeping...got anti depressants to help me sleep..I recently got off them because of side effects(weight gain)..I have been put on the ones that cured me the first time....I've been on them for a week...I haven't drank a drop since I started new medication:):) I'm struggling with the initial side effects of new medication...bad anxiety/panic...these should go away within a week...

Once i overcome drinking...next step is smoking...I just want to be a better husband & father...I'm hoping one day I will find my inner peace....

[white knight]

Hi Danny, Welcome to BB forum,

Boy, you are really courageous mate. How you continually improve yourself for the benefit of your family. your kids will thank you with their smiles.

Most sufferers of mental illness have a complicated life and lifestyle. You are not alone. Especially those inflicted with things like ADHD. And they cant help it. You havent have a good start to life but you have recognised that and made amends- to much of the effects.

Inner peace- you already know the probelm you have....lack of it.  Inner peace is not an easy place to find. It does involve some spirituality (not necessarily religion) and it involves (IMO) going back to basics.  Cognitive therapy takes this course.  But you can do it all on your own.

Back to basics, to appreciate the things in life we no longer view much of. Take up a daily walk to see the wild flowers, the insects, the dogs being walked and saying hello to total strangers. Juice some vegetables for vitamins, eat more fruit, play more with your kids...all this takes little money in the scheme of things.

I personally found some guidance from Maharaji Prem Rawat. His sunset youtube site is amazing, so is many other of his videos like the "perfect instrument" this one would do you a lot of good. please watch that one....its about your body.

Good luck. You are on the right track.

[--Danny--]

Thanks for all your advice white knight...I didn't drink any alcohol again today...even when my mate's were over my place drinking alcohol & I stuck to the Gatorade!! 7 days straight:-):-)  I showed my wife beyond blue & how it's helped me the last 2 days..she was really supportive of me becoming a member of BB...this place has helped me so much 🙂 getting things off my chest like I did has helped...I've never discussed this stuff with anyone...it's just been chewing me up inside...

[Blue_]

Great work Danny! 

No drinking and now you're giving up smoking son! That's great. From experience may I please, please recommend you go to your doctor, a doctor, maybe one you find on here and get something to help you with giving up. I had a friend that had done it about as long as you and ended up in hospital for other reasons and the nurses found out and he was offered something but turned it down, determined to do it on his own and was back on it a week later. There's nothing wrong with getting something to help you if it's something that'll last right? 

Best time to find something else to occupy yourself because smoking takes up a lot of your time and it'll be force of habit so now it's time to find a new relaxing hobby. Going for walks with the fam bam or on your own at first because you will be more irritable. It's part of the process. My fail proof relaxation go tos are a shower or walking along the waterfront. You just have to find that thing you do that you know will ease some tension. Maybe you could start going for massages or something? You could get someone to babysit and you and your wife could do it as a quality time thing? It's up to you but you really do need to find something for your benefit so this is a lasting thing.

So stoked for you Dan we're all here to help and you have your family. You're getting professional help and now you can completely turn your life around, it'll be hard but sooo worth it. 🙂 

[Neil_1]

Hi Danny

I came across you on another post and you said that you had put your main one here so, here I am.  Man, I was going to welcome you to BB, but whoa, look at you - only a couple of days in and you're cracking along here.

I've gotta say that is BRILLIANT.  That's really awesome to see, that you've come along and really just fitted into her so well.  And that was so pleasing to read as well about how you let your wife know and how you feel about this place.

I bet that must have been a massive relief for you to post the opening one above - to get it all out - or typed down, however you want to put it - to write it and then think, "Yeah, that's good - I've finally been able to unload a bit".

Mate, we know that's only a portion of your story and issues, etc - but as Blue advised, maybe chasing up a GP as well might just assist as well. 

But you're showing some remarkable recovery signs already - with the drinking (or the abstinence from it) - and man, that's some really good effort that you're doing.  Considering for how long you've been on it for - more power to you.

If you want a little bit of fun with it - I label them my DOG days.  Days Off Grog - and I am a little **** retentive, as (a) I write a diary for each day and (b) in that diary, I count my DOG days for each year.

And Danny, you've really got your head switched on big time - realising also that you're on new meds, and that there are side effects, but within a week or so, they'll lessen and go;  and then that'll leave the tablets then to kick into your system and do their job.  So actually with that, it sounds like you've been going to a GP fairly recently, yeah?

Really great to have you on here and look forward to hearing from you again

Cheers with Iced Green Tea or Gatorade (whichever takes your fancy) 🙂

Neil

[--Danny--]

Hi Blue, thanks for your post...when ever I feel down I'm going to read it to cheer myself up...it was the most positive & encouraging advice anyone has given me...none of my family or freinds understand anxiety..so having support from you im very grateful:-):-) another day today & no alcohol!! My meds kicked in a bit more today..my mood lifted a little...I've started slowing down the weed...each day I've cut down...within a month I hope to be off it completely:-):-) smoking on antideppressants isn't good...all it does is race my heart & give me panic and anxiety...it's no good for me:'(:'(... The doctor prescribed me some meds to help sleep because as I reduce the dosages of weed...hard to sleep quitting weed...

He also said if I get overly anxious/irritable while the smoke leaves my system..just simply snap a night time in half & this will chill me out.

I been going to the gym for the last 5 years.. this always makes me feel better...

I love going for walks on the beach...its my favorite place in the world...beautiful sun setting, beautiful looking horizon, it soothes my soul..I don't get to the beach enough...my family prefers the swimming pools...spending more time with the family definately helps:-):-) but sometimes I work late/overtime & miss out on seeing them...but with 4 kids its expensive..I like my beautiful family so I work  extra hours so they have nicer clothes,shoes,play sports,dancing lessons...it does get depressing missing out seeing them sometimes...but I want the family to have a easier life than I did as a kid...I don't think I will get counciling from a professional...I prefer to chat with real people who have real issues & real experiences & advice...I'm not sure somedays with myself sometimes?? I get home from work & am always feeling guilty or like I've done something wrong...the last 3 dsys at home have been better with my wife..since BB I have got this support team & ive taken all advice onboard & my wife/kids can already see the change!! Blue, you were my first mate on BB:-):-) & I'm a loyal person so if u wanna be my buddy...I will be grateful:-):-) Blue, you are a champion!!! 

[--Danny--]

Hi Neil, thanks for your words of widen mate...& I'm so happy now I have an outlet to discuss my issues...8 days off grog today Neil...I'm not a bloke who can have 1 or 2 beers...its at least 8-10 beers per session...sometimes 15/16 cans of beer in one night...add lungs full of weed & next 2 days I feel like death! I got some meds for the doctor to ease the alcohol & weed withdrawals..my wife & kids have been closer to me the last 3/4 days...no booze = happy family, no weed = less mental issues... I just wanna be a good father/husband...I have the world at my fingertips...I just get ravaged by the depression/anxiey...thanks again Neil...your support is huge buddy...u & blue are my people I turn to for !!! Big hearted beautiful people..

[Blue_]

Danny, I'm actually astonished, you're doing so well!! Good on you, this is great to hear. 

Thats fine that you don't want to seek professional help because you feel you don't need it but sometimes they can teach you ways to deal with things better and that might be helpful to you for times when you get a bit more cranky with quitting the smoking. 

What a great Dad, I didn't have a very nice Dad so it's nice to hear that there are good ones out there. As for the guilt, sometimes it can't be helped with anxiety, bad feelings just happen. I recommend googling Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It'll just teach you what to think instead of the bad thoughts. My friend's Dad has plastered allllll over his house positive quotes. It's really nice to go through and read them all. In the toilet, hallways, kitchen, everywhere. That might be a nice idea and if you read some of these it might get you out of a bad mood. 

It's so good to hear that you go to the gym and stuff and walks along the beach seriously are the best. So relaxing and whoooo. 

I think we can all see how much you want this and it's so great that your wife and kids are supportive, it makes all the difference, you have all of us here and wow. Even I haven't made as much progress and I've been here for months! You're inspiring me Dan. 

Of course, Dan, we can be buddies. We're all friends here and I'll be on here regularly to see how you're going 🙂

[--Danny--]

Hi Blue, thanks for the support! These new meds I'm on are hardcore..there starting to work but the side effects are annoying me....hard to get any sleep..my mate seen me tonight & asked if I had a black eye? Just black eyes from no sleep..& the stuff makes u sweat...I might get the doctor to lower the dose...my last post was pretty full on...I think I was trying to keep positive...I'm an emotional bloke I guess? Feeling anxious right now though...got a horrible nervous feeling...

[Blue_]

Any time! 

Yeah, going to the doctor sounds like a good idea and when you feel anxious get a cuddle from your wife or kids, I'm sure they'd love that. It'll make you both feel better. Cuddles that go for longer than 20 seconds are shown to relieve stress 🙂 

It was very full on, in a positive way, it's good to be excited about your new life. But don't worry when you get down again, that's to be expected and happens to all of us and that's when you call in the troops (family) to fight it with you. Lots of hugs and letting them know how much you love and need them they'll be there for you. 

I got out of bed today, did a load of washing and mopped the floor. I'm pretty proud of myself for doing that. Maybe I'll do more as the day goes on. Little steps Dan, makes progress easier and you'll stick to it if you start small and build on it and praise yourself! 

Feel better soon. 

Cas.