I hide my mental state too well

[sensitiveswan]

I am struggling at the moment, with both anxiety and depression. I can't go a day without a full breakdown. I know I can't work at the moment, as I work with children and I can't be crying at work. The very thought of going to work gives me a mild panic attack!

It takes a great deal of courage to leave the house, yet when I get to the GP or wherever I have to be I put on my 'public' face. I sometimes worry that I won't be taken seriously, but it is so difficult to let my guard down. I've applied for sickness benefit, but what if they say no because they deem me to be mentally well? I know I'm not, in fact the tears have just started again while I right this. Does anyone else have this problem?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, been there.

Firstly, in all my years of bipolar, anxiety, depression and the sad illness dysthymia I've come to the conclusion that a couple of part time jobs is better than a full time one. 8 hours in one job demands endurance and mental stability. Professions like customer service, food, deadlines should be avoided.

Your "public face" has no place in a GPs office. You likely need your meds reevaluated.

Here are some relevant threads. Just read the first post of each. Use google

Beyondblue Topic depression and sensitivity - a connection?

Beyondblue Topic how I eliminated anxiety

Beyondblue Topic the timing of motivation

And one that might be just interesting for you

Beyondblue Topic dysthymia

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

*trigger alert*

Hi sensitiveswan,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I hope you don't mind if I ask you a question (or more). You said that when you see your GP you have to put on a mask. Can I ask what it is that you are afraid of?

Let me tell you a little story...

In Oct '17 I saw my GP about mental illness. I was OK then, but honest relating to physical symptoms. I was referred to a psych for a 2nd opinion. In Apr '18, one night after the wife and kids were asleep, and as I was locking the door, turning off lights etc. I zoned out and stared at a knife for a while considering the possibilities. The next morning I was at Uni so was able to dismiss the thoughts. But I did not want to go home. The next day, I saw my GP. I have an app on my phone called virtual hope box. It has photos on it, and other distraction tools. I broke down in the GPs office. I would be put onto ADs and was immediately put on medical leave and not work.

This would be a shock to my boss and people at work.

It is OK to put on a public face at work or with customers. But with my GP, psychologist or psychiatrist I will honest and show my true self vs putting on that fake smile. For myself that is the only way of healing, to get the root cause of the matter and deal with this. Of course, not everyone is like me. And can take time.

I want to you to know that you are alone with your thought about work, and putting on a public face. I did that for too long. But I will sit and listen to you tell your story. And hopefully you will come through.

Wishing you well,

Tim

[sensitiveswan]

Hi Tim,

Thank you so much for sharing.

I don't know why I hide my feelings at the GP. I guess it's just hard, I've always smiled at people. I was also brought up to 'just get on with it', be happy with what you've got, don't whinge etc. Some of that is probably still deeply ingrained in me. When I think about it, I was rocking when I was telling him about my situation and finding it hard to make eye contact. So my mask was probably not that good.

I am having a really bad day, and can't stop crying. Last night was also horrible. I did try to self harm, but it didn't help. I guess that's a good thing because I wont do it again. I have thought about calling the local mental health access line, but part of me thinks I'm not that bad. There are people who have it worse than me. Even as I say this, it brings me back to how I was brought up 😞

Yes, there are always people worse off, but I'm allowed to feel bad too. I deserve help too. It feels good to say that out loud. I'm going to call.

Thanks heaps xx

[smallwolf]

Hi sensitiveswan,

There will always be some delay between you posting and someone replying. Not quite as good as a phone call but... I would have the same thoughts as you about me being not that bad. I made that same comment on my own thread a while back. Some replied saying that my problems are not any less important that anyone else.

And you spoke about your growing up...Me... I have a mini essay on that topic for my psychologist. It also goes back to how I was brought up, feeling of failure, of letting my parents down, of making the wrong decisions. That I don't deserve forgiveness. That I am being punished as a result. You are not alone!

Lastly, I went to the GP with an lowish score for anxiety and depression from the K10 test. My GP also made me do a small test, and based on that score, sent me to a psychologist for a 2nd opinion. After I saw my psychologist, I have major depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. (I take ADs also.) But if you were like me, and things happened to us since we were young, and get used to it, we don't realize the damage it does until someone "normal" tells us otherwise.

You and your issues are just as important as mine, or the next person.

With peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[sensitiveswan]

Hey Tim,

Wow, interesting that you had the same thoughts about not being that bad and writing those thoughts on a forum. I'm glad someone encouraged you to believe you're worth it too. It's amazing what affect childhood has on us isn't it?

I did make the call to the mental health services, and the lady was great to talk to. She calmed me down, and called this morning to see how I was. She has put through a referral for a mental health appointment. It makes me feel better knowing I'm going to get help.

I do take ADs, but it's just not enough at the moment.

Thanks again for taking the time to chat to me

With peace and comforting thoughts (I really like that!) to you too,

xx

[smallwolf]

Hi sensitiveswan,

Getting the right "mix" of meds can be frustrating. And it is good to see that you will be able to get help. Feel free to hang around if you want to. This can be a good place to check periodically between sessions if you ever need extra support. And being able to write it down or put it somewhere else is better than ruminating on those thoughts in your mind.

And I am glad that you like my closing, and thank you or returning it to me. Odd how phrase of positive sentiment can transform the other.

With peace and comforting thoughts,
Tim

[Moonstruck]

Hello sensitiveswan......I just wanted to say, that I also put on a very convincing "mask/face" when dealing with anyone professional in the medial, psych field. because I have had to, through my work, to deal with professional people in various areas all the time. I am one, myself! (not medical I hasten to add)

Just last week my anxiety was thru the roof due to bad sudden news regarding a family member...I was sick, almost paralysed with worry...however...I kept an gym appointment where I carried on the usual repartee with my professional instructor, very calm relaxed, no shaking, expert verbal communication as usual...

straight after that...I went to another appointment to do with work ( I am just doing a little bit here and there after retiring to help out) and had to communicate closely with a couple of other people I had never met....again..I put on the expert performance. Inside I was on the brink of breaking down completely.

I find it extremely hard therefore, to turn off the professional face when speaking to a GP or therapist..which I know is counter productive..

I am doing a Mindspot online course for anxiety and have the choice of discussing things on the phone with the therapist ...or sending a message to her online....guess which one I chose?....online of course. because when i begin to talk on the phone about what's happening with me....I start to cry..I am full of pain, not actually my own, but have taken on someone else's whom I cannot help. It's my adult child so their pain is my pain. My maternal protective instincts are off the chart.

...I screamed at the top of my voice coming home in the car yesterday...gibberish, rubbishy stuff..I just let it come out (whatever it was)...mostly it was that I can't bear this any longer, but could I be like that with my sweet little GP...no way!. I couldn't burden her with my crap. She has a waiting room full of coughs and colds and newborn babies. Yet we are always told our first port of call should be our GP.

I have a social occasion tonight. Nice people will laugh, joke, smile and chat with me. They won't have a clue how desperate I am. I have to apologise now because I have committed my usual "crime" here on Forum. In response to another's post...I have ended up talking about myself. I apologise moderators, I apologise everyone, I apologise sensitive swan....pls forgive me.....

wishing you well.....