Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

I've been seeing my current psychologist fortnightly for a few months now, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find her quite attractive from day one, but at that point, it was simply me noticing she was good looking and that was that. As we had more sessions together though, I started actually crushing on her, but now, as I really think about it, these feelings aren't particularly romantic, or sexual. Its more platonic than that, like I wish she was my mother. The thought of actually being romantic with her weirds me out, yet I still have this crush like infatuation.

I'm 25 (hardly qualified to be) and she's in her late 30's, if that means anything. I'm also a woman; a very gay one, so this situation is confusing.

I have a letter that I've written her that addresses these feelings, but I'm unsure whether or not I should give it to her for our next session. I'm scarred she'll stop seeing me, or I'll make things super weird between us.

I'm aware of what transference is, and it seems accurate to this situation, but I feel like I haven't been seeing my psychologist long enough to justify such a connection, and I'm not sure how transference is viewed in modern psychology given how many Freudian methods of treatment have been (rightfully) moved away from.

Anyway, the letter is very honest, although admittedly downplaying how often I think about her just the tiniest bit. Is it worth giving it to her? I don't want to distract from our work or ruin what I have with her.

Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear SP Jaimie~

I guess the first thing to say is that you made a pretty good move by coming here. It is such a personal and puzzling thing other's perspectives can only help.

The relationship with a good therapist is a pretty intense thing, and all sorts of emotions can be brought out. I'd imagine that you are very worried if you do say something that she will simply terminate therapy, or hand you to someone else.

Because it is such a common thing I'd imagine most therapists will have a means of dealing with this situation, exploring your feelings and at the same time maintaining a professional distance.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it was me I would say something, as I'd feel it was a barrier to get though to gain the best benefit from the therapy.

That however is just me, your own views may be quite different. I'd mention though that I'd doubt there would be any chance of a romantic getting together, her professional rules would prohibit that.

You know you are welcome to be here and talk about this as much as you would like

Croix

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

My letter reads:

I seem to have developed feelings towards you that are inappropriate. These feelings aren't really romantic, though they're non NOT romantic (they're certainly not sexual). They're mostly confusing. Its like an infatuation, or a crush, but more platonic, and its not something that involves obsession, jealousy or possessiveness as I've experienced in the past.
I'm also not delusional; I know you're my psychologist and there are boundaries that could not- or should not- be crossed. I would never act inappropriately and I know you wouldn't (not that you would want to). I also know that my image of you is limited to what I see in sessions and that these feelings are a result of you providing me with the attention, validation and comfort I've been starved of my whole life- i.e. doing your job, and I'm aware that healthy adult relationships outside of a therapy setting are built very differently. I know WHY I feel what I feel, even if I don't fully understand what it is that I'm actually feeling.
I'm embarrassed to say, but while these feelings aren't completely void of romance, I kind of wish you were my mother?
Its probably very strange and I'm sorry to be like this. I just know that for therapy to be most effective requires me to be honest and I felt I was keeping something significant from you. But now I've shared this with you I'm terrified of what could happen. I like the way things are with you and I'm worried I ruined it. I'm scarred you'll now find me weird and creepy and that I've grossed you out.
I do kind of miss you between our sessions but its not something I obsess over and take into my daily life. I also don't feel possessive or get jealous when you mention other clients or just people in your life- I actually like the conversation. These are things I've struggled with before but don't here.
I am scarred of telling you this still, and that insecure child part of me is actually scarred of making you mad.

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Thank you for the input. I found it helpful hearing from someone else.

I am leaning towards telling her, I'm just very anxious about it and worried about the possibility of it going wrong. Fortunately I am well aware that nothing could ever happen between us (I wouldn't actually want it to) which I've made a point to mention in the letter, as well as my understanding of why its happening.

[blondguy]

Hello SP Jaimie

Croix (above) brought up an excellent point about a communication being a barrier to gain the best out of the therapy you are there for for. Your letter is harmless and non offensive in any way. If you could keep in mind that your therapist has also had similar letters in the past too

The letter is fine. The worst case scenario is that she may want to discuss your letter and extend your period of therapy by addressing your written thoughts

Thankyou SP Jaime for being a part of our non judgemental and safe forums too!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Thanks for the input; it helped to hear.

I'm probably going to tell her at my next appointment, which is just a few days away. I wanted to write it down since I tend to have trouble forming words on the spot; also I stutter a lot; and I already do a lot of communication with her that way since I note down my previous weeks accomplishments and things I want to discuss.

I don't know how I'd go if she wanted to prolong my treatment though (something I do want to do anyway since I have a lot to still work through), since my mental health plan only allows me 10 sessions. I should be able to get 10 more next year but I'd need a new referral.

[Quercus]

Hi Scottish - Parrot Jaimie,

Just wanted to post because I read the replies from Croix and Blondguy (Paul) and although I know their advice is solid I feel the opposite.

I do agree that your psychologist needs to know these feelings. However I can't help but wonder if you have considered how you will feel if the response from your psychologist is not what you expect?

Professionals all have different styles of maintaining their own boundaries. As Paul says some may welcome the discussion but others may see it as an issue. To explain what I'm getting at this article might be worth a read...

https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-your-therapist-cant-be-your-friend/

At times I believe it is easy to forget our therapist is someone we employ. They have to have boundaries or they wouldn't survive doing the job they do. It doesn't mean they don't care... It means they are being professional and trying to empower you to be able to self care rather than rely on others.

Before you send the letter would it be worth thinking about....

1. Are you prepared for the potential that your therapist feels this crosses their boundaries?

2. Are you open to the idea of seeing another therapist if they feel you need this?

3. Do you have any other offline support in case this discussion upsets you?

Hope you are able to manage this conversation and the result is positive and healthy for you.

Nat

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Hey so I just wanted to update anyone who was interested.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who offered their advice and help. Even those who I didn't follow in the end I found helpful because it allowed me to have a better understanding of what I was doing and prepare myself for all the possible outcomes.

I spoke with her this morning and I did decide to give her the letter- which has undergone slight alterations to be worded better since I posted it here. It turned out to be a good decision. She was really cool about it and assured me that what I was feeling was completely normal. She told me it was brave of me to go through with being so honest, and given how clearly anxious I was the whole time, I'm inclined to agree. She took all my fears and reassured me that everything okay.

I'm still feeling some embarrassment but I don't regret my decision.

Thank you again guys 🙂

[blondguy]

Hi SP Jaimie

Thankyou for the kind response and having the care to reply 🙂

The embarrassment is a minor issue yet you have stuck with your feelings and followed through on them as well. I think that you have an excellent psychologist Jaimie

I think that you would have felt better after giving her the letter

No harm done at all..You are strong by following through with your feelings....and your heart too

It would be great if you could stick around the forums Jaimie....when convenient for you of course!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Thank you Paul

I consider myself very lucky to have found my psychologist; she's lovely and I'm making great progress with her, and yes I do intend to stick around the forums