How do I know if my husband has BPD?

[Elizabeth Louise]

I suspected my husband had BPD two years ago when i saw a drastic change in his behavior and he suddenly asked for a seperation. I felt like it was out of spite for "abandoning him". I felt that there was something else going on due to his deteriorating mental health and because it was so impulsive.

He was on medication for 20 years with an anti convulsant or mood stabilizer. Problem is a neurologist had prescribed this drug (not a pshychiatrist) and gave him the green light to come off it. But maybe it helped him! Even if it was for a different diagnosis. 

He had withrawls for 3 months crying feeling sad, not eating, not sleeping well. Then Covid hit in and his anxiety was through the roof.

He had nerve pain in his arms at night which kept him awake all night not knowing why. Turns out the meds were masking pain. But the sleep issues continued horribly for 12 mths. Natural meds didn't help. I suggested sleeping tablets but he refused to listen, see therapist but he got offended.

With covid, and increased responsibilities at home, lack of sleep, pressures with work, social isolation, he struggled to cope and Burnt out. He said he felt like he was going to die.

This had an impact on our marriage but he believes our marriage was the problem. I think it was the other way around. His poor mental health created more conflict.

He says he felt abandoned and unloved because I'd watch netflix or when he chose to sleep in the spare bed and felt alone when he woke up through the night. But he chose to sleep there! 

He's naturally an anxious and paranoid person and has a short temper. Now i think he has PTSD too. He cant handle stress and I have been walking on eggshells always doing something wrong.

Meanwhile he idolises his parents and worships the ground they walk on. It seems like all he wants to do is be around them and just spend all day with them.

I just feel that deep down there is an underlying issue with his mental health.

How will I ever know? How will he ever know?

He's finally seeing a Psychologist but I think the focus is on the seperation. I doubt that he explained the above as he doesn't acknowledge his health issues. He really needs to see a Psychiatrist. 

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth Louise~

Welcome back, I have read your account of your situation, and am every sorry about the separation, particularly as you often feel matters could be salvaged.

it may in fact be you wonder if you husband had the right diagnosis and treatment then matter would settle down, he would not nurse grudges, feel less abandoned and generally stop seeing you as the cause of his unhappiness.

Maybe you are right, certainly his behavior became worse when he went off his long term mood stabilizer.

The main problem I guess is for him to agree to see a psychiatrist, and for the psychiatrist to get the full picture - not just his account. If he does not acknowledge mental health issues then the chances of this do not appear that likley.

Do you have any ideas on that front?

I do know you cna give unsolicited advice to any medical person treating him, though it would be a one-way conversation and your words may be disregarded.  If he would allow you to accompany him to the psychologist that might help..

People who separate are often not in a mindset that accepts all the realities of the situation, or the physical  and financial consequences. I suppose to a certain extent one can be blinded by love and hope.

I very much echo Ecomama's advice - get legal help!

May I ask what support you have at the moment, he has his parents, do you have a family member or a freind you cna lean on? Also have you considered counseling for yourself? One of many - Relationships Australia's  (1300 364 277) Separation Service can be a good choice, though they do charge. Having counseling can make a real difference as can personal support.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Puglett]

Hi Elizabeth Louise,

I was personally in this position recently, wondering do I have BPD? Or do I have Bipolar? It’s really difficult not to know what’s going on, and I can imagine it would be much the same to wonder this for someone you care about. I’ve listed below what I found helpful while waiting to be diagnosed (I saw a clinical psychologist but it was the psychiatrist who made the diagnosis).

• Going through the DSM 5 criteria and identifying thoughts, feelings and behaviours that do/don’t fit the criteria. I then shared this info with my team to get the diagnosis (which was bipolar not BPD - exactly why self-diagnosis is not possible).
• Filling in evidence-based screening assessments e.g. mood disorder questionnaire, borderline symptom list etc... Note, this can’t be used on it’s own to diagnose but rather to provide something to share with the psychologist, GP or Psychiatrist to give a fuller picture.
• Reading journal articles and evidence-based sources, mainly just the conclusion/discussion that summarises the articles.

None of the above allows a self-diagnosis, even GPs would probably be reluctant to diagnose BPD. It really just gives you something to do/helps gather info to share with your health professionals, I also found it helped me with the wait for a diagnosis.

There are SO MANY aspects of BPD, fear of abandonment alone is not enough, even I fear being abandoned yet I don't have a diagnosis of BPD.

Wishing you all the best x

[Elizabeth Louise]

Thank You Croix. I suggested 2 years ago that he sees a psychologist but he was offended. He ended up seeing a Psychologist recently due to the seperation as he was not coping (even though this is what he asked for). So at least he is seeing someone. I don't think he would like me suggesting that he sees a Psychiatrist. I'd love to see one for him just for my own understanding but I know that's not possible. I do have family I can lean on too.

I just wish I could help him. If he got the right treatment he needed who knows where we would be today. How do you get someone to realise they have mental health issues or their parents to acknowledge that they do when they are just blinded? His parents don't even want to talk to me and won't take my calls anymore or reply to my texts. 

I am seeing a Psychologist myself and on the waiting list with Relationships Australia.

EL

[Elizabeth Louise]

Thanks for your help.

The info that i have gathered its not just fear of abandonment that i think make sense but alsonBack or white thinking, Impulsivenes, anxiousness, paranoia, intense episodes of anger, anxiety, often idolizing caregivers or lovers, demanding to spend a lot of time with them. (Always wants to see or spend time with his parents). 

I read also that they have Intense, unstable relationships that range from extremely loving to completely abandoning a marriage out of a fear of abandonment. They choose to leave before they get left, even if that’s not what their spouse has in mind.

From what I'm reading it all makes so much sense.

But it's possible that it's just a coincidence and I'm trying to find a reason for my marital break up. I would just really love to know if he is suffering from BPD. He is not the same person since coming off his meds. I saw the change in behaviour. It was really unusual for him.

I don't think he would agree to seeing a Phychiatrist. 

EL 

[Croix]

Dear EL~

It's been a few days before I have had a chance to get back to you and having read your last two posts I guess the time may have come where you have to think of you. I'm glad you have a psychologist and are going ot see RA. I hope it can help you focus away from him.

I'm not saying that to be cold-blooded, I know you still care. It is simply from the list of is behaviors coupled wiht an unwillingness to acknowledge any problem and not wishing ot see a psychiatrist , also with his parents not helping (quite the opposite) it does not seem there is anything practical you can do.

Yes it is a tragedy the person you knew is no longer there , and perhaps it was going off meds, but it's still a fact.

As for the reason for the breakup, although it might be a comfort to know an official diagnosis  I don't think you need to label his condition, just his behavior would make him impossible to live with. Please have regard for yourself and the basic right you have to live in harmony with any partner, particularly not one that relies on blaming you..

Please let us know how you are getting on

Croix

[Elizabeth Louise]

Hi Croix,

Thank you. Your right just his behaviour alone makes him impossible to live with. No need to label a condition. Just focusing on his behaviour is enough to know. He just isn't the same person anymore. I hope one day he gets better. 

EL