Difficulties Understanding Treatment

[P12]

Counsellors and psychologists to whom I have spoken have told me to identify my long term goals and strive for their achievement. But my attempts have been unsuccessful because I lack the practical skills for achievement and that has caused me greater dissatisfaction than before I attempted to achieve the goals. What is the reason for this strategy and why are counsellors and psychologists unwilling or unable to give me practical advice?

I identified the technical topic most interesting to me, looked for collaborators, and asked for support to pursue my interest. I found only two people in Australia with similar interests and believe they are unwilling to collaborate with me because by discrediting me their circumstances will improve. The feedback I received about my requests for support is that the topic is not relevant to society. Instead I am expected to perform a job for which I am imperfect and therefore I am excluded because my processes and ideas are different to the industry. Is it true that society's objective is for greater normality and what is the reason for such a strange aspiration? Why does society reject people who are different? Why does society not allow me to pursue my individual interests and talents? What is the purpose of living if society has no use for my talents and the role that society would have me fulfil causes me trauma?

I was told that independence will not cause me long term satisfaction. Yet, as I have tried unsuccessfully for more than ten years to form a friendship, I question this assertion. The prevailing strategy suggested to me for gaining friends is to participate in activities I enjoy as there I am most likely to meet others with similar interests and beliefs. What is the purpose of living if society directs me to one outcome but it cannot provide the means to achieve that outcome? Surely independence is a far more effective solution.

I'm pretty sure I am lonely. I would like to have a friendship or at least feel welcome in society. But my efforts never seem to work. People make suggestions but I must be special because they don't work for me. The harder I try, the more independent I become, because my methods appear stranger to others, and the less liked I become. I really don't understand the society in which I live. I wish I wasn't so sad.

I often cry uncontrollably and am unable to sleep when I realise I will not achieve my desires and there is nothing I can do about it. My life is apparently meaningless.

[P12]

When it became apparent that my attempts at motivating others to act towards me in a more compassionate manner would be unsuccessful, and that my role as a duty ethicist was unsustainable because the progress I would make would be too slow, I sought other means for belongingness. I found a little solace in an imaginary companion, whom I dreamt up and kept in my mind while I was asleep, away from the tortures of the external world. The person with whom I would like to associate, and do in my dream existence, having the interests and values I have and hewn from affirmation techniques to find them in the world around me; prospecting the world, gleefully collecting their small features when I encounter them, ignoring all contrary perceptions and cognitions.

One day I travelled two hours from my house to a popular tourist site where, trying not to cry, I stood at a lookout over the blank, white landscape in front of me, unable to witness the deep gullies and cliffs at which every tourist would marvel. In this moment I experienced my connection with God, realising I was truly alone in society, outcast, without a follower except those I could conceive myself amongst my effort to justify a strange reality that others had burdened on society. I fell short of God, but succeeded in myself. I found Christ in me, when I had been looking unsuccessfully in the world.

When I found society unable to supply my needs, I sought the environment's resources, and when the environment unable to supply, I was delivered from my suffering by an external source. 

By suffering against nature, I made my mark on the land by exerting courage, and finding a friend, though they are imaginary and will not occur during my lifetime. By exerting my courage towards the land I have experienced a small change in its nature. I have worked the land, a flat featureless desert in my mind, but in reality a harsh place filled with mountains, vegetation, drought, and unforgiving terrain. I have been delivered. For everyone in a dire condition, is there not someone looking down – friend, family, God, or in my case oneself, who would not expect disappointment.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

Your words are hauntingly beautiful. I think there's an author inside of you.

I hope it made you feel better to express yourself here and that you are doing okay.

Kind thoughts to you

[P12]

Here are the outcomes of my third meeting with my current psychologist.

- I felt I was slightly better able to express myself than during our previous meeting, though I felt progress was still incredibly difficult.

- At the start I was asked whether I wanted connection or confidence or something else? I want self-esteem; to feel valued by the world.

- She said confidence comes from words meaning to do over and over again; it is a highly practical concept. In the past I have felt some relief from action. It is a way of knowing whether I am ready or competent. However, I still have difficulty with this idea because my experience is that thoughts and beliefs are more important.

- My psychologist asked how I would like to be seen by others and how others saw me. I said I would like to be quiet, thoughtful, courageous, persistent, and compassionate. I would like to not act or falsely display body language because that would not attract me to people who were actually interested in me.

- I express myself by writing, speaking, and telepathy.

- My recent activities have been exhausting because I feel unfairly treated at work and because my efforts outside work have not met my hopes.

- I can try to persist with advocating for actions at work that will make it more agreeable to me. e.g., unpaid leave requests and fair work requests.

- I was asked how many hours I worked per week. I was asked how many hours I spent on my interests and what I could do to spend more time.

- I was asked what progress I had made to my interests.

- I was asked whether I would like future meetings to focus on creating a feeling of confidence or on developing practical actions to fulfil my values and goals. I said I couldn't answer because I didn't know how to improve my situation and that was why I was consulting a practitioner. 

- I can try practising separating myself from the feelings and thoughts that my mind has, by learning to watch them occur with a barrier between them and me.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

Thank you for sharing the outcomes of your appointment. You covered a lot in your session and there are some real positive points.

It’s great that it was easier to express yourself. Perhaps you could write down in advance some things you’d like to say in your next session to make it even easier.

It’s wonderful that you’ve worked out what you want, self-esteem. It’s a great criteria that you can use to measure the effectiveness of the therapy. 
Really support the idea of you continuing to advocate for yourself at work and helping to shape a more mentally healthy space. You may even want to consider becoming a mental health first aider. I have this accreditation and used to really enjoy helping others at work. It’s amazing how common it is for people to struggle with their mental health.

Separating yourself from thoughts and feelings is hard, but so worth learning how to do. I didn’t understand for a long time how to do this, and unfortunately my thoughts and feelings were controlling me. I am much happier  now—for example, I can reframe issues which improves my mental health. 
Keep ploughing on. I think you’re doing an amazing job and I wish you well.

Kind thoughts to you

[P12]

Thanks for your feedback Summer Rose. At the moment I feel fairly stressed and sad (I cried while cycling home from work today) but I keep trying to improve and accept my situation.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re feeling stressed and sad. This thing called a “mental health journey” is really hard sometimes, especially when it’s long, complex and full of—sometimes unpredictable—ups and downs.

I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone. You have a voice and are being heard. You are valued here and your thoughts, experiences and insights are important.

Kind thoughts to you

[P12]

Although material strength is one of the simplest ideas in engineered structures, undesired fractures do occur, both catastrophic structural collapses and hidden personal reactions.

Material objects comprise numerous discrete, tiny material particles. Among the particles are abnormalities who are true but are outcast by the remaining particles. The drastic effects of these tiny material defects on the behaviour of the large objects are misunderstood.

I perceive material fracture abstractly. It is analogous to the distress and exclusion felt by societal outsiders who connect compassionately with nature but poorly with other people. I use my insights to share a different perspective of fracture.

I attempt to devise an understanding of material fracture that overcomes some of the limitations of existing models. It uses inspiration from human psychological distress and social exclusion to abstractly describe fracture as a natural process, and it might help ease social fractures too.

Distress occurs subconsciously when particles realise that their values are not being met. All particles most highly value being alone and with nature, but often this value is distorted. When it is severely compromised distress occurs and compels change. Humans are simply material particles.

Abnormalities throughout detect nature far more deeply and instinctively than normalities. They seek all opportunities to cause materials to break apart and return to nature. Eventually they will succeed in achieving nature's goal of aloneness. Then the world would be a less distressed place.

[JoshD]

Hi P12! 
You sound like a very technical and logical thinker.. We share similarities in that line of thinking so i thought you might like my 2 cents.

For me, a lot of what you have to say is in regards to our personal Mindset. I want to stress that I hear what you are saying and I 100% understand that your truth is your truth, even if it isn't true for others. I can relate to some of your points, especially the "eventually the criticism and exclusion I face will overwhelm me".
An over-active mind is very adept at:
- picking up micro expressions (which I feel may be a strength of yours?)

- Running through entire conversations or situational analysis to ensure you have a response for the perceived question before it arrises.

- projecting feelings or conclusions to your own actions onto the people around you, without realising that you are actually projecting your own insecurities onto them. (by the sounds of it, this may be a strength of yours too? It is/was one of mine)
- Analysing things to the nth degree, to the point where we don't even realise our arguments/self-rationalisations are irrational... And then by the time we have the actual conversation with the person it NEVER goes the way we planned in our head so we get anxious/triggered and react accordingly. 

Can I ask, does your identity live in the minds of other people? Reading your thoughts, I wouldn't guess so. You seem to know who you are and what you'r good at, if that isn't enough, maybe ask yourself what would be? What does success mean to you? How do you want to be treated? How do you want to treat others? What are you willing to give up in order to put yourself first? Is there something you love that you would give up for yourself? Could it be yourself? For me I had to kill off the image I had in my head of myself in order to grow.

The best advice that I hated to hear at the time (because I have a big ego) was : "Mate, you'r not that special." It stuck with me because it helped me to give myself a break. The more you reach out, the more you hear stories like yours and mine. You realise you'r not alone. So many people have been through this or are currently going through this. They've struggled with the same stuff I do. Have the same capabilities I do, the same limitations.

"You're not allowed to do what interests you"? I ask to what extent? Is it money, fame or prestige that you aren't getting? Analysing this can give insights into what is driving you so you can fill the hole. It may not have the shape you expected.

You mentioned "being both an expert in a topic and an expert at giving the perception of expertise" in relation to someone not being interested in you ONLY for your interests. Does this mean you have to pretend to be someone else or a perceived expert for them to appreciate you? Does that person like YOU or the perceived version of you that you projected onto them? I ask if you'r always the expert, or, when with friends you are giving the perception of being an expert in a topic you aren't, are you being a good friend to them? What do they need in that moment? With your enhanced perceptive skills this would be an easy shift for you 🙂

And... I sincerely hope you take this in the positive light that I intend as it was a similar light bulb moment for me.... If I am so emotionally and intellectually strong, the criticism I perceive, real or not, wouldn't factor into my own self image? Or would it? If it does, is the issue with me? Or them?

Healing is hard, its ugly and it isn't over quick.

[P12]

Hi JoshD,

I feel very appreciative of your insightful reply.

Here are my initial thoughts about your questions.

Do I have an over-active mind? I do often feel over-talented for my role in society. I haven't worked out how to hold a more suitable role. Unless the objective in life is to assume a role without society's blessing and to perpetually advocate for change and be an outsider.

What prevents me from achieving my objectives? One example is the law. As far as I can tell it is illegal to live fully alone and protest against societal rules. I realise many people break this law and in doing so they are politically imprisoned. Normally I think this it would be a relatively minor hindrance, though sometimes it would be more restrictive. I choose to obey the law so that I won't be further prevented from achieving my objectives.

Does my identity live in other people's minds? I wilfully value independence and integrity because my experience shows they are rewarding to me. However, I have found that some elements of my life are outside my control and I do some things that I don't wilfully agree with. It is despairing to me to notice this occur.

What does success mean to me? Independence, integrity, gaining a friend, overcoming psychological distress. What am I willing to give up? Having a notional friend in order to try to find a real friend. Giving up my mental health for greater satisfaction.

Do people want perceived or actual reality? My opinion is that most people prefer perceived reality. It is evidenced by the prevalence of private industry, decentralisation, and secularism. I have definitely felt more excluded when I express my true character. For example in primary school and in the workplace. Also when I've told people about my mental illness and they have then stopped communicating with me.

Healing isn't over quick. Does this mean I am trying to overcome trauma of which I am not fully aware? That all humans naturally want connection with others? That my belief in independence being a higher aim is incorrect?

[P12]

Here are my further thoughts about JoshD's comments.

If I am emotionally and intellectually strong would the criticism I perceive factor into my self image?

• If I were immune to criticism then obviously it wouldn't affect me. However I have found that I am not immune to criticism and little I have tried to increase my immunity has worked.
• One traumatic event occurred four years ago when I believe I was unfairly treated at work. I was bullied and intimidated. Afterwards I walked around in a daze, nauseous and crying. I did not sleep normally. When I did sleep I woke up with a headache and cried. When I was awake my mind moved from one thought and emotion to another uncontrollably. I felt a sharp pain in my head when any light or sound occurred. I asked those intimidating me to stop. I reported it to the means that my employer had at the time. I asked my counsellors and psychologists to help me. I read the mental health resources I could find. I took sudden leave from my work. I spent as much time away from other people as possible. Etc.
• While some of these techniques helped momentarily, they have not helped long term because the effect of the event was disproportional to its original occurrence. I remain traumatised by it.
• Some resources claim that exposure will reduce distress. My experience is different, except when it is viewed longer than the course of one's life. Witnessing traumatic events has made me more aware of their existence and more distressed about criticism that I receive. I am distressed because I am more confused about it. Eighteen months ago I witnessed a similar situation at my work. [I would like to emphasise that I do not know the story fully].
• Some resources claim that reducing controlling techniques will reduce distress. My experience is different because when I stop performing actions to control criticism that others impart on me this gives others more ground to criticise me. When I stop performing actions to control my own interpretation of criticism then I am overwhelmed by the criticism that I do receive.
• I apparently equally receive criticism whether I do nothing or try to stop it.