Difficulties Understanding Treatment

[P12]

Counsellors and psychologists to whom I have spoken have told me to identify my long term goals and strive for their achievement. But my attempts have been unsuccessful because I lack the practical skills for achievement and that has caused me greater dissatisfaction than before I attempted to achieve the goals. What is the reason for this strategy and why are counsellors and psychologists unwilling or unable to give me practical advice?

I identified the technical topic most interesting to me, looked for collaborators, and asked for support to pursue my interest. I found only two people in Australia with similar interests and believe they are unwilling to collaborate with me because by discrediting me their circumstances will improve. The feedback I received about my requests for support is that the topic is not relevant to society. Instead I am expected to perform a job for which I am imperfect and therefore I am excluded because my processes and ideas are different to the industry. Is it true that society's objective is for greater normality and what is the reason for such a strange aspiration? Why does society reject people who are different? Why does society not allow me to pursue my individual interests and talents? What is the purpose of living if society has no use for my talents and the role that society would have me fulfil causes me trauma?

I was told that independence will not cause me long term satisfaction. Yet, as I have tried unsuccessfully for more than ten years to form a friendship, I question this assertion. The prevailing strategy suggested to me for gaining friends is to participate in activities I enjoy as there I am most likely to meet others with similar interests and beliefs. What is the purpose of living if society directs me to one outcome but it cannot provide the means to achieve that outcome? Surely independence is a far more effective solution.

I'm pretty sure I am lonely. I would like to have a friendship or at least feel welcome in society. But my efforts never seem to work. People make suggestions but I must be special because they don't work for me. The harder I try, the more independent I become, because my methods appear stranger to others, and the less liked I become. I really don't understand the society in which I live. I wish I wasn't so sad.

I often cry uncontrollably and am unable to sleep when I realise I will not achieve my desires and there is nothing I can do about it. My life is apparently meaningless.

[P12]

Okay Summer Rose. I don't intend to place pressure on members to respond so I write without addressing individuals in the hope it will create discussion.

[Spl spl]

Hi P12,

I've read through this post of yours. You have been through a lot, I'm so sorry you are struggling. One thing that stood out to me was how you described one of your goals, specifically this paragraph-

"Without obstacles I would walk through the natural environment and study it. I would study rock outcrops for features of fracture and stability. I would analyse existing structures to determine how they function, and I would encourage people to reverse land development."

-after reading this, I had an 'eureka' moment. Please bare with me, have you heard about something called ecological restoration? It's restoring the environment. For example, when a mining operation shuts down, ecological restoration is involved in making the land habitable again. It's a field where the entire purpose is to reverse land development.

I'll give a brief overview of how it works. You go to the site. You walk around the environment and see what is going on. Depending on what you are specialised in- you may spot invasive species, land degradation, social impacts on the land, signs of toxicity. Seeing features of fracture and stability would fit in really quite well. Ecological restoration is incredibly broad and there are people doing all manner of things. If it doesn't spark your fancy, or you already knew about it, no problem. I just wanted to let you know just in case you found it interesting.

As for your difficulties on the social side of things, that can be really difficult. This is just an idea, but have you tried talking to people who share your mental illness? So not asking random people but commenting in a group for people with the same mental illness? A bit like a support group? It's hard to find answers from psychologists who haven't lived one day with your struggles. Someone who is already dealing with the problems you are facing in their life may be more helpful to learn from. Again, just an idea. All the best to you.

[P12]

Hi Spl spl,

How would you recommend one become involved in ecological restoration? I hadn't heard about this interest before you mentioned it. I am thankful for your suggestion. I am interested in nature conservation, but have not worked out how to most effectively contribute to it.

I have attended several events, including discussion groups, for people with mental health difficulty and mental illness, including the one my psychologist believed I had. However, I have never felt convinced about the opinion of my psychologist, nor have I felt connected to the group events I have attended. 

[P12]

I am saddened by a vicious email that someone wrote me two days ago because I really don't know what I did to deserve such action. Then today while walking home from work two teenagers threw a small object a my face. Afterwards I walked around my local streets in the rain, crying. I perform work that is not my natural talent or interest because no one will pay me a minimum wage to perform action in my interest area, and receive criticism for errors I make. I have tried to obtain a friend for more than fourteen years but haven't been successful, except as nameless and faceless respondents on this forum. I have consulted several counsellors, psychologists, online forums, peer support groups. I have never understood the disproportionate effect of other's actions towards me. I am very confused about the principles of mental health treatment. I am waiting for the time when I may live my life as I wish, away from other people, who in my experience have only caused me harm.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

I am so sorry for what’s happened at work and in your neighbourhood. It broke my heart to read your post.

If I could, I would give you a hug and dry your tears. And we would talk about how to let go of your sadness.

I would remind you that the teens and email author don’t know the “real”you. They are thoughtless and cruel people and unworthy of your attention. 

I would tell you that the “real” you is courageous, tenacious and determined. The person who writes here has true strength of heart.

Please do not let this setback harm your outlook. When you’re ready try Googling ecological restoration and see what you find. I would love to learn more about it, if you care to share.

Kind thoughts to you 

[P12]

Today I felt a complete outsider. People looked at me like there was something wrong with me. I felt as though I was haemorrhaging in every minute of the day, waiting for it to end when I could at least be asleep and not face other people. I again cried after work while running and walking around the streets near my home.

I found several websites about ecological restoration. Most of them appear to speak about ecology (plants and animals) rather than rocks and landforms. I also couldn't see any opportunities to volunteer in ecological restoration specifically. I found many opportunities to volunteer in plant and animal conservation and science, but these don't interest me. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

I’m sorry that you had another bad day and were feeling like you didn’t belong. I have also felt that way in certain situations and around certain people. My strategy is to limit the time I will allow myself to be in those situations.

I realise it’s harder for you as you have to go to work. Couple of ideas come to mind.

Maybe use some of your sick leave and take a few mental health days. Give yourself time to recover and do some things that you really enjoy. You might find you have a little more strength to deal with people when you return.

Remind yourself that this feeling you’re experiencing will likely reduce in intensity in time. It can get better.

Remind yourself that you are a valuable and special person and this doesn’t change just because some people may not see it. You have to live your life and conduct yourself your way, just like everyone else. It’s okay—some would say great—to be a true individual. The world needs all kinds of people and all kinds of minds. Diversity is a strength; I’m just hoping you can a workplace that understands this.

Thinking about your research into ecological restoration… I Google it too, but didn’t find information that I thought would interest you. I’m wondering if it would pay to discuss the potential opportunities with a career advisor? I’ve made four significant career shifts in my life and have found their services very helpful.

Hang in there.

Kind thoughts to you 

[P12]

Thanks for your suggestions, Summer Rose. I will continue trying to live my life as I believe regardless of negative feedback I receive and continue trying to contact organisations and individuals that I hope can help me follow my interests.

[Summer Rose]

Hi P12

Just touching base to see how you are going. I hope that you are bouncing back from the rough patch you recently experienced.

I spent yesterday unwell on the couch, with only my dog for company, and strangely enough I kept thinking of you.

Have you ever considered making friends with an animal?

The unconditional love I receive from my dog just melts my heart. When I am lonely she is there for me and I always have her to do things with. We enjoy our walks, dog parks (which are very social places for people too), cafes (many allow pets and have water bowls available) and even shopping together. Okay, well, that’s a bit over the top but she does love coming with me to Bunnings!

The best part of our relationship is that she never judges me, she loves me no matter what. I have had three dogs throughout my life—and all were the most true and loyal friends I’ve ever had.

Just something to ponder.

Kind thoughts to you 

[P12]

Thanks for your comment and suggestion, Summer Rose.

Overall I have had mixed feelings and thoughts the past month. I haven't cried again, but I have felt generally more stressed, anxious, depressed, and panicky than before the incident. I think some of this is due to the incident and some due to my general difficulties in work environments being emphasised by a recent project phase. I generally wake with a burning sensation in my head, though it tends to dissipate during the day. Sometimes I feel like crying but nothing comes out. I have also experienced other disappointing events, such as trying to contact four organisations in my interest areas, but receiving no reply, and having two counselling appointments cancelled by the counsellors. 

I have, however, experienced more positive feelings and thoughts, which are generally associated with the book you recommended earlier, "A Fearless Heart". I believe it advocates kindness is caused by empathy, which is caused by prayer, which is caused by faith. I have felt contentment from these principles because I have achieved empathy with God and Nature, which in my mind are the only two true friends I have. I have experienced joy by understanding their operations and by recognising how my actions are appreciated by these two beings.

The difficulty I have experienced is in finding that by strengthening my empathy with God and Nature, I am weakening my empathy with other humans. Near the start of this thread I said my goals were a) independence, b) making a friend, and that the first was more important because the rewards I have received recently from God, Nature, and independence have exceeded what I have received from other humans. Does this mean I will not make a human friend unless I dismiss the first goal? How does one resolve this dilemma?

I appreciate your suggestion to obtain a pet. I can't say I feel a strong desire to own one, but I will consider it. No one in my immediate family has ever owned a pet. The difficulties I see are the time, cost, and how I could use it to achieve empathy. Obviously they are very rewarding to you and many other people, so other people must think differently to me.