For the past six years or so, I have constantly thought all the horrible
thoughts I can think about myself, that I am hopeless, stupid, fat,
unlovable, ugly, mean, lazy all of it. Every now and again I think about
suicide, sometimes guilt is the only...
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For the past six years or so, I have constantly thought all the horrible
thoughts I can think about myself, that I am hopeless, stupid, fat,
unlovable, ugly, mean, lazy all of it. Every now and again I think about
suicide, sometimes guilt is the only thing that stops me. Whenever I
imagine it I think about my mother finding my body, or my ex hearing
about it and maybe feeling guilt and I realise I can't put those people
through that. I don't want guilt to be the only thing that keeps me
living any more. About 6 months ago I decided to see a counsellor and
after two months of talking about it and not doing it something got in
the way. I fell in love with my first girlfriend. This of course did not
stop all those horrible feelings and thoughts but it was like a big
beautiful band aid of the problem. Two months ago she broke up with me
due to personal problems (her own depression after some horrible
experiences that happened to her). All those horrible feelings came
rushing back worse than they ever were before. I went back to thinking
about counselling but could never quite work up the courage to knock on
the door and ask for help. Three days ago I reached out to a friend
after a night where for the first time I burst out crying completely
unprompted by anything. It was definitely one of two low points. I
reached out to a friend that night and told her I needed help. I asked
her to come with me to book a session with a counsellor at University. I
have avoided her ever since. There are so many things that actually
scare me about all of this. I am frightened that the counsellor is going
to tell me that I actually don't need counselling and I need to "suck it
up". I am scared that they aren't going to be able to help me. I'm
scared I'm not actually meant to be seeing a counsellor and maybe I'm
meant to be seeing a psychologist/ psychiatrist/ monk/ voodoo lord.
Basically its a bit of a last straw and I'm worried if this doesn't work
what I can do next. I have resolved that tomorrow I am going to finally
book an appointment and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on what
I can expect.