Anger management

[MissBenthos]

I often have bursts of extreme anger that can last from 5-30 minutes and then just dissolves as quick as it came, leaving me sad and disappointed in myself. Anger for no obvious reason. It has become more frequent this year, I feel that my head and chest might literally explode there’s so much tension. I speculate that it could be hormonal but I really don’t know. I had a copper iud put in earlier this year as a non hormonal contraceptive option and it causes a lot of pain during periods and longer period lengths but I can’t connect it to any of this anger as the timing is all over the place. Another suspicion is that with lock down this year in Melbourne my regular exercise routine has been severely impacted and maybe this is where it’s coming from, my exercise has also been impacted by the pain caused by the iud. Part of maintaining my content/happiness comes from sex and so having reliable contraception is important for me.

I find myself much better at explaining that I need some space when the anger burts hit these days. But there are still moments I think back on where I wished I didn’t overreact so much or I could maintain somewhat of a level head. I feel bad for stomping and growling because im incapable of containing myself in the moment or spiralling into my mind instead of keeping focus. I don’t want the people around me to have to experience my wrath or spacey-ness. How much anger is “normal”? A recent example was a work colleague not doing a task exactly as we discussed it sent me into a day dream of myself running around town smashing everything in my path with a bat. I feel like a normal reaction might be slight annoyance rather than a crazed person bent on destruction of the universe.

For bit of background I had dysthymia for around 10 years, been in treatment seeing doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, on medication for years now. Have been out of the thick of it for about 3 years now, occasional depressive/anxiety relapses, but have been bouncing back for the most part.

I guess where I need advice is how to tone the excessive anger down, how can I feel more calm? Or is it ok that this happens - to accept it as part of human experience?

Thanks for being here 🙂

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi MissBenthos,

Sorry you haven't had a reply as yet and thank you for opening up about your anger.

You have mentioned a few different causes there, and I wonder if it might be worth talking to your GP? Particularly with hormones as I know that it can wreck havoc on emotions. Plus you mentioned your IUD is playing a part in your ability to exercise, so it makes sense to question all of this to see if it's part of it.

I see anger as absolutely a normal part of the human experience; we experience anger in the same way that we can experience sadness, or happiness. The difference with anger though is not how we experience it but how we display it and act on it. Feeling angry and needing space? Totally fine. Going to bash everyone with a bat? Not the best idea. Daydreaming about said bat though? Completely safe.

I wonder if instead of seeing it as normal/abnormal, you can try and check in more regularly to see where your anger levels are at - then once you can start to notice earlier you can intervene earlier and hopefully stop it getting to that point where you start to regret your behaviour.

Hope this helps or gives you something to think about

rt

[White_Rose]

Hello MissBenthos

Thank you for telling us your story. I join Romantic Thief in regret you have not been answered earlier. Not our normal way but we are here now.

Anger is a complicated emotion surrounded by all sorts of norms. Feeling angry for a specific reason is normal. Feeling angry because you have been upset in a more general way is also normal. The anger you describe sounds out of place. I suspect there will be an underlying reason which may be any combination of the events you have described. The IUD/pain, depressive episodes, COVID lock down, lack of regular exercise and perhaps none of these.

You commented that you find sexual activity makes you content and perhaps the fear of becoming pregnant gets bottled up for a while before exploding. Or perhaps none of these things. The easiest way to start tracing the reasons is to investigate the physical aspects. There may be psychological reasons but as you would know, this takes a little longer to investigate so go for the easier option to start with.

I can relate to your outbursts as I have experienced these from time to time. It does feel horrible to know you have lost control of yourself and to dream that you are running around smashing things. I don't know that any of these events need to happen immediately before an outburst. We often allow the thoughts/feelings to simmer inside us, often without realising it. Then all the emotion builds to such an extent that anger rushes out when we least expect or want it. We are such complicated organisms that it is not easy at times to trace a cause for any behaviour.

May I suggest you see your GP or specialist about the IUD as a first step. Pain is very hard to live with and being in pain so often and regularly is not good. Perhaps you can discuss some other form of contraceptive. I tried having an IUD but had to stop because of the discomfort.

I hope this has been helpful. Please accept our apologies for not replying sooner. I hope you will continue to post in here.

Mary

[MissBenthos]

Thank you both for your replies 🙂 no worries on the wait. I will check in with my GP. I'm also working on my daily routines, I need to somehow get more exercise and more consistent mood monitoring/journaling. I start these things but maintaining them over time is where I struggle.

[White_Rose]

Hello MissBenthos

Good to hear from you. I smiled (nicely) when I read I start these things but maintaining them over time is where I struggle. It could have been me speaking. I need to get more exercise but find it hard on my own. I have found two exercise classes on different days for me to attend. I find it is the commitment that makes me attend. I have said I will go on those two days and as I take part in the class I also found I had others to talk to. Nothing world shattering, just general chat but it gives me some social contact as well.

During the beginning of COVID I felt very isolated but as the restrictions eased I was able to start again. If I found someone who was keen on walking I would probably do that as well. My daughter walks several times a week but she is 40 minutes drive away so not very practical. What I take from this is being with someone else walking etc. does make us more likely to exercise. At least this works for me. I see you live in Melbourne which has made my sort of options impossible. Now that your restrictions are being lifted it may be useful to start exploring available options.

How are you about aqua aerobics? My daughter does Zumba dancing which sounds very energetic. Tai Chi is a popular activity. It looks easy but I knew when I did it that I was exercising. It may look slow and gentle but it certainly offers a workout. Lots of options available so look around and see if something sounds interesting.

Mary

[MissBenthos]

I'm much like you Mary - hanging out for the group classes, not the online ones though. I was really consistent attending them before lockdown.

[therising]

Hi MissBenthos

Definitely sounds like you're tolerating a lot at the moment

• The IUD causing you pain
• An inability to freely experience the natural joy and excitement that can come with sex
• Perhaps people around you not listening to your needs (including work colleagues)
• Mental health challenges
• Not knowing why you're triggered to anger so easily

and the list goes on. That's a heck of a lot to be tolerating in life.

For myself, I can remember having some major revelation not too long ago. It was quite a wake up call. There were a number of things and people in my life I was 'tolerating'. When I realised that most of the aspects I was tolerating would, for some people be intolerable, I thought 'No wonder I'm getting so angry, so often. Life is not meant to be this difficult. Life is not meant to be tolerated'.

Regarding the IUD, is it possible to have it swapped for a Mirena (non copper IUD)? Personally, the Mirena has never caused me any issues. Basically, if our body can't or won't tolerate something, it'll definitely let us know (like in your case). We should definitely not be left to experience such dis-ease on a daily basis. Any doctor who fobs this off as 'normal' should be seriously questioned.

From my experience, if you're a sensitive person...you'll feel life. So, if you feel a connection to life through the excitement of sex, the excitement that comes through a certain well being routine, the excitement of new adventures (adding new ventures to life), the excitement of interacting socially with people and so on, you can also feel the impact of a lack of excitement, a disconnection. Kind of like a numb feeling or a nothingness at times. Living in Melbourne, I can relate to how potentially depressing a lack of excitement can be. How does it feel to not go to the places or follow the routines that excite us? How does it feel to not interact with the people who typically vibe us up? In general, how does it feel to not be heard when we're so desperate to be heard? Make you want to scream? How does it feel to be tolerating what is actually intolerable (but we remain the easily triggered champion who 'toughs it out')? Our 'feelings' or physical emotions are highly significant when it comes to how we're feeling life. Wondering if you're feeling like a human pressure cooker at the moment, occasionally blowing off steam.

Sounds like the IUD could be the #1 issue to address. If all we're feeling is pain, it can be almost impossible to feel anything else.

🙂

[MissBenthos]

Thank you therising 🙂

Your reply has reminded me of some other elements to consider. Toleration. I do have a sense of guilt over being selfish when I put myself first, even though logically I know in the long run it's better for everyone around me. I do enjoy seeing others happy. The thought of continuing this conversation taking up your time when there are others in a much worse place than myself, ehhe. Yep, I'll be more mindful of that guilt holding me back. Not everyone has to like me.

[therising]

Hi MissBenthos

I consider chatting with you as time well spent. It's always time well spent when we're on a quest for greater self understanding. Managing depression is also incredibly important, no matter what level we're at. I tend to see depression as a literal depression. You can be at the top, like when you've just entered in or you can be in the absolute depths (the darkest part) or anywhere in between. Given I spent more than a decade in my depression up until some years ago, I continue to manage not going back in. There have definitely been occasions which have left me fearfully standing on the brink.

I believe, generally, if we're a sensitive person in a number of ways then we're going to be challenged in taking care of such sensitivity

• If we're sensitive enough to feel the absolute highs of life, then we're sensitive enough to also feel the absolute lows
• If we're sensitive enough to feel great inspiration, then we're sensitive enough to also feel the impact of intense degradation
• Sensitive enough to feel incredible love, then sensitive enough to feel the overwhelming pain that can come with grief

The list goes on. Basically, if we're a sensitive person, we'll feel both sides of the same coin, therefor managing the 'darker' side is a must. This is why I find self understanding is never a waste of time. It's part of the management; understanding how to live with the dark side of the coin without entering into a depression.

When it comes to guilt, it can definitely be a challenge to deal with. I've come to redefine guilt so I can work with it more constructively. I like to see guilt as being like a signpost at a fork in the road. I could be traveling a certain path when suddenly I come across guilt (that signpost or wake up call to choose). 'Who do I want to be?' becomes the question. If I've been traveling the path of 'people pleasing' for quite some time, I can either take the path where this continues or I can take the path of pleasing myself. I may decide to take the path of pleasing myself because I know pleasure is good for me in maintaining my mental health. Off I travel, leaving that signpost or guilt behind me. When I'm facing guilt, this feeling tells me I'm facing a choice, the potential for change. In the case where I've upset someone, guilt may simply be asking me to choose to either take the path of apology or the path of ignoring my responsibility. Who do I want to be? Someone who takes responsibility, in this case.

🙂