Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy · ‎02-06-2019

Please can I have advice about where I can turn to for help. I am 67 and my wife is 61. She is an alcoholic and matters have reached a point where she is so bad that I can't keep looking after her. She has reached a blood alcohol level of over .4 (NOT .04) several times. She has been to one clinic after another and while she is there she's fine but as soon as she comes home she starts drinking again. I am in despair because I can't stop her drinking (she buys the stuff herself and starts screaming and crying uncontrollably if I try to take it away), can't force her to eat (she is thin and weak), can't do much to help if she falls on the floor as she has often done, can't persuade her to take any exercise. She is often in bed sleeping or crying for most of the day. She also has severe depression and irrational thinking.

My doctor says the only thing I can do is to wait until next time she is taken to hospital and then refuse to accept her discharge to home. He says the hospital will then get a team of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers to find care for her. But what if she dies? I love my wife dearly. I don't want to separate from her and she would quite possibly die of grief if she was separated from me. Is there any alternative to find long-term care for her? Clinics will only take her for a few weeks. Would there be any home care packages that would be available? I will pay whatever it takes. I just want to see her well and happy. At present she is wasting away and I can't stop it. I sit by her bedside and watch and my heart is breaking.

I suppose the position is different in different states. I'm in Victoria, near Melbourne.

Blackboy · ‎12-09-2019

She had another relapse last night. Told me lies about where she was going and somehow managed to get her hands on alcohol despite our agreement on Monday that I could keep all her money, credit cards etc. A security guard phoned me from the local shopping centre where she was totally drunk and had been slumped over a table in the food court. I got her home with some difficulty and now she has been asleep for over 12 hours.

The current plan is to get her into a recovery house for 3 months. We went to look at it on Tuesday and it seems good. She has agreed to go there on 1 October. But given her history of resuming alcohol consumption within a few days after discharge from a clinic or hospital, every time, I have almost no faith that this will fix the problem. Do you know how I go about getting her into permanent care (which I am sure she will resist)? Or, if not, do you know where I can find this out?

Thanks for your concern about my own health. I do some volunteering, I take some classes and I go with a walking group once or twice a week. However, I am a highly introverted, quiet sort of person with few social skills. My wife thinks I have Asperger's syndrome, which may or may not be true, I don't know. In any case I have great difficulty making friends, and there is nobody in Victoria I could call a real friend. We have no children, I have no siblings and my parents are deceased. I am 67. So it is difficult for me. I often wish I could go to sleep and not wake up again. But that doesn't happen - my physical health is good.

Soberlicious96 · ‎15-09-2019

HI Blackboy,

Sorry I haven't been on here for a couple of days. Life got a bit busy.

Anyway, I am not really sure about how to go about getting her into permanent care, other than perhaps talking to an aged care facility, and maybe getting her assessed for possible alcohol related dementia? I don't know. I feel a bit awful even using those words, but I really don't know what else to suggest? Given that she is over 60 (I think?) she may qualify for some sort of aged care facility?

Or maybe even talk to your own doctor, by yourself, and see if he or she has some advice as to what the options may be. I do suggest that you make it absolutely clear that you are at your wits end and don't know what else to do. Give your doctor the full history of what has happened up until now, and how all other efforts have failed.

In the meantime, keep up with your classes, your walking group, and your volunteering. Those things are yours, and are at least something you can control, maybe even enjoy. I think it's really important to look after yourself as much as you can. Maybe you could reach out to someone in your walking group, and tell them a little about what is going on for you? Who knows? Maybe they will be able to provide you with some help, advice and support also? Sometimes the people around us can tell when we are having a hard time, but don't want to ask us about it for fear of 'intruding', but would be more than happy to help when we reach out to them.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Until next time, take care. I'll check back again in a day or so.

Regards, Mel. xo

Blackboy · ‎18-09-2019

Thanks for your kind concern. My wife is in great distress at present, crying a lot and feeling hopeless at her situation. She is totally dependent on me and can't bear the thought of separation. This in turn is getting me very emotional and feeling that I have nowhere to turn to. My doctor previously suggested I should wait till she collapses again and has to go to hospital; then refuse to take her home and the hospital will, he said, get their resources together and find some kind of accommodation for her. But this would kill her with grief, I think. I want to find somewhere where we can both be together without her being able to access alcohol; or failing that, somewhere for her which is like that where I can be nearby. I think I need some kind of social worker or outreach worker to help me with ideas.

Soberlicious96 · ‎19-09-2019

Dear Blackboy,

Perhaps the best thing to do is to follow your doctor's advice and refuse to take her home. It sounds like it may be the only choice you have to try and help her. The hospital should hopefully be able to refer you and your wife to a social worker as well, who may have some answers as to what to do.

Of course you are both going to be hurt and grieving - that's quite normal and natural. But if you both continue to do the same thing over and over, then you are going to get the same result. Sometimes you just gotta toughen up and make, and act upon, the toughest decisions in order to make a change.

Letting her go, at least to some degree, is essential for both of you. For you because you need a break, and for her because she needs to realise that she has to make more of an effort. I understand that she feels hopeless and powerless, but the reality is that SHE is the only one pouring the booze into HERSELF.

I can't tell you anything different that what I already have. I am truly sorry for your situation, but only you can change it. Freedom always comes at a price ......... and it seems you are just as much trapped by the bottle, as she is. Alcoholics don't need to be wrapped in cotton wool in order to change ...... in fact, they usually need the opposite. They need to be a 'startled' and really 'woken up' to what they are doing, not just to themselves, but to their loved ones as well. Maybe refusing to take her home, as hard as it may be, will wake her up. Maybe you too need to be a little 'tough' with yourself?

I am sorry. I can't tell you anything different to what I have learnt myself about achieving sobriety. It's tough. Probably the toughest thing ever. But if YOU want some sort of release, then it's YOU that is going to have to release yourself by making that hard decision and taking the hard action, by not taking her back home when she is next hospitalized. No one else can do that for you.

Do what you CAN do for you, before you also get so far down that you can't get back up again. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can begin to get on with a life not ruled by the bottle.

Blackboy · ‎24-09-2019

Thanks again. I am aware you can't add any more to the good advice you have already given, which I don't take lightly. My wife goes into rehab for 3 months on 1 October. We are both very miserable about the situation, but hoping that rehab, which is apparently rather like a boot camp, will make the difference she needs and wants. I have told her that if she does not overcome her drinking, we can't continue to live together, although both our hearts might well break in that situation. I doubt that I would feel like going on living - it's hard enough for me now, but I am trying. The solution as I see it (if rehab doesnt work) is to find some permanent place for her where she cannot access alcohol, and then for me to live nearby so I can continue to see her. These clinics are like that, but they are not for permanent stays. Hence what I was hoping is that somebody might be able to point me to some appropriate form of permanent accommodation for alcoholics which can be used if these temporary measures fail. Some kind of "halfway house" perhaps?

Soberlicious96 · ‎30-09-2019

I hate to give you the blunt truth, but even in a "Halfway house" she could still get access to alcohol. Other residents could be in the same boat as her, with no real desire to stop drinking, and therefore may collude with each other to get alcohol.

I know I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again; you can only do something about YOURSELF. If you are willing to work on changing your mindset, and accept that you CAN get on with your life, regardless of whether she drinks or not, regardless of whether you live together or not ....... that is going to be the major key to improving your own health and wellbeing.

Blackboy · ‎01-10-2019

Well, frankly, I did not post in order to get help for myself. I posted in the hope that somebody might be aware of some kind of arrangement whereby my wife could be kept away from alcohol and yet we could be close and maintain the happy relationship we used to have until a year ago. The fact is that she is sober and happy at present in the clinic. The only problem with it is that they won't allow her to stay there indefinitely. So I am thinking that there must be some kind of accommodation which is like a clinic only permanent. My wife means so much to me, and I am not going to give up on her and "get on with my life". I can look after myself. Other people go through grief, as when a partner dies. But if a partner whom you love is dying, I don't believe it is right to just wash your hands of it and say, "Oh well, I will just get on with my life". I believe you have an obligation to do everything possible to help your partner live and have a happy life. And that's what I'm trying to do.

Soberlicious96 · ‎02-10-2019

I am so sorry if I offended you. I certainly didn't mean to. I was just trying to remind you that your own health is also important. And yes, of course you want to do everything you can for your partner to be happy and healthy.

When I first got sober (hence, the username 'Soberlicious') some 22+ years ago, the people that helped me were quite tough with me, and would 'give it to me warts and all'. They told me what I needed to hear, even when it was tough to hear it ...... I guess I was just trying to apply that same principle. I am so very sorry though if you thought I meant that I was suggesting you 'wash your hands' of her ...... because I wasn't. That's not what I meant. I was trying to encourage some sort of acceptance of the situation as it is now, and finding a way to work around that?

Anyway, again, I'm really sorry. I get where you are coming from; the heartache of watching someone dying is awful, and yeah, you want to do everything you can to stop it. I wish I had other answers. But I just don't. I myself am just a (reformed) drunk who happened to get sober. I was only 26 at the time (I'm now nearing 50) and had lost every ounce of dignity, lost ALL my friends, lost the support of my family, lost jobs ......... alcohol is the 'greatest remover' as I've heard it said in the rooms of AA.

I can't tell you how many people I have seen come and go from the rooms of AA. They come in all broken and shaking and so lost ........ and then get a little bit well and think it's okay to drink again. 'Others can do it, so why can't I?' they think. People I have met because of AA, and have loved, and have then lost because of their return to the bottle. It hurts so much. More so sometimes because I KNOW there is a way out ...... but they don't realise the power of the bottle. There are about 80% of the people that I drank with that never made it to 50. Both friends and family.

So yeah, I guess I am coming from a place of urgency for you. Because I know how hard it is to watch those you love destroy themselves. I wish I could tell you it gets easier .......... but in my world, when people drift away from meetings ........ well, no news is not good news. Sometimes the sober life can feel a bit like a lonely one.

However, what I will also say is that I am so incredibly glad that I have AA in my life. I am so glad to be approaching 50, with a couple of decades of sobriety, because without it, I wouldn't be here.

Anyway, take care.

Mel. xo

Blackboy · ‎04-10-2019

Thank you for the reply. Can I ask what enabled you to overcome your alcohol issue? Are you saying it was going to AA meetings? If so, specifically what aspect of those meetings was helpful? My wife has been to quite a few meetings, with different groups, but she and I both have difficulty with the concept of placing one's destiny in the hands of a "higher power", and even more so with their emphasis on one's "character defects" and helplessness.

You say you "happened to get sober", but surely it doesn't happen just by chance! My wife is making a huge effort but it seems that from time to time, without any obvious cause, something clicks in her head and she switches personality from a kind, caring, lovable and highly intelligent woman who seems perfectly happy and well-adjusted to a hopeless basket case who will do anything to get her hands on alcohol. I believe there are deep psychological roots to it, coming from her childhood with an emotionally abusive father compounded by loneliness and trauma at school. I would like to see her spend time with a good psychologist who can dig deep and address these issues.

Soberlicious96 · ‎04-10-2019

Yeah, you're right, I didn't just "Happen" to get sober. It took guts and determination. And yeah, I too, at first, was a bit apprehensive about the concept of a Higher Power ..... until it was explained to me that I could choose my own concept.

I heard many ideas about that too! The ones that got my attention were the acronyms used for the word 'God'. Acronyms like Good Orderly Direction, and Group Of Drunks and Great Out Doors ...... but the one that really got my attention that I liked the most was the Good Orderly Direction. I knew that I had none of that, and desperately needed some! So that was what I started with; every time I had any kind of an issue or idea, I would talk to an older sober member (as in, someone who did not necessarily need to be older than me in age, but more experienced than me at staying sober and using the principles of the program) and get some of their 'Good Orderly Direction' about how to handle the issue, and/or what to do with the idea I had.

You also said that your wife has "deep psychological roots to it, coming from her childhood" and yes, I too had some significant traumas happen to me as a child. Bushfires, for one, in which we lost everything and were trapped in a burning building, and years of sexual abuse. When I put the booze down, it all came roaring the the surface. And as well as being in meetings of AA, I went to lots and lots of counselling, in order to help me to deal with the trauma. There's a member in my area that often says "If you don't deal with the reasons that you began drinking in the first place, you're likely to drink again." And I tend to agree. You gottadeal with the reasons. Being sober, emotionally, is a bit like being naked at the MCG with 100,000 pairs of eyes looking at you. It's an incredibly raw state to be in. So yeah, dealing with those issues, and developing tools to deal with stuff WITHOUT a drink when stuff comes up, is a BIG part of maintaning an ongoing recovery.

As for the "Character defects" ..... well, I knew I certainly wasn't perfect (and never will be) and I knew that I had been acting 'defectively'; such as in ways I would never have acted sober. So yeah, my 'character' if you like, was 'defective' when it came to drinking. Of course, that admission did not happen straight away. It took some time.

Nowadays. practicing the principles of the program is how I function, and I love it. It is tailor made for me.

But yeah, it takes work. Lots of ongoing work. xo