Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

Blackboy · ‎02-06-2019

Please can I have advice about where I can turn to for help. I am 67 and my wife is 61. She is an alcoholic and matters have reached a point where she is so bad that I can't keep looking after her. She has reached a blood alcohol level of over .4 (NOT .04) several times. She has been to one clinic after another and while she is there she's fine but as soon as she comes home she starts drinking again. I am in despair because I can't stop her drinking (she buys the stuff herself and starts screaming and crying uncontrollably if I try to take it away), can't force her to eat (she is thin and weak), can't do much to help if she falls on the floor as she has often done, can't persuade her to take any exercise. She is often in bed sleeping or crying for most of the day. She also has severe depression and irrational thinking.

My doctor says the only thing I can do is to wait until next time she is taken to hospital and then refuse to accept her discharge to home. He says the hospital will then get a team of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers to find care for her. But what if she dies? I love my wife dearly. I don't want to separate from her and she would quite possibly die of grief if she was separated from me. Is there any alternative to find long-term care for her? Clinics will only take her for a few weeks. Would there be any home care packages that would be available? I will pay whatever it takes. I just want to see her well and happy. At present she is wasting away and I can't stop it. I sit by her bedside and watch and my heart is breaking.

I suppose the position is different in different states. I'm in Victoria, near Melbourne.

Soberlicious96 · ‎27-06-2019

Yes, it would be good for her to increase her social networks because connection with others helps to break the cycle of addiction. I know that you want to do whatever it takes, and I hope that she too has that same drive; to do whatever it takes. It's not all up to you, you know.

And I know I keep saying it, but AA IS a long-term treatment option, if she attends regular frequent meetings. And there are meetings all over this country, and all over the world. AA is also a place where she can build up social networks, and do 'volunteer' work of sorts, by doing some form of service within the fellowship; such as helping to set the room up, making coffee and washing up afterwards ...... there are all manner of networks and helping roles to be be fulfilled within the fellowship. And there is no time limit on how many times she can go, or for how long. AA is there for all who seek it, for as long as they seek it for.

Anyway, I promise I won't harp on about it any more. What I can tell you is that neither she, nor you, has to face this journey alone. Hope your trip to Queensland is amazing and that you both have a wonderful time. Maybe you could tell us all about it as you go, or when you come back, yeah?! Take care. xo

geoff · ‎28-06-2019

Hi Blackboy, I'm sorry, if you type 'Free Australian health advice you can count on' and type alcoholism in their search bar see if this helps.

I'll keep looking for you.

Geoff.

Soberlicious96 · ‎30-06-2019

Or, I have another idea; maybe she could try Smart Recovery? If she hasn't already, that is!

Anyway, here's a link: https://smartrecoveryaustralia.com.au/ if you would like to check it out.

Still thinking of you both. Hope things are getting better, and that your holiday in QLD is going well.

Regards, Mel. xo

Blackboy · ‎07-09-2019

Here I am, back again. We had our holiday in Townsville and very pleasant it was, with my wife not having one drop of alcohol in the whole 2 weeks. But within a few days of returning she was at it again. About a week afterwards she went missing after meeting a friend for coffee. I had to notify the police. She was absent from Saturday morning until Monday afternoon, when she was found in her car where she had been drinking all weekend. She went to hospital. 2 days after she was released she was back on it again and I found her drunk, incoherent and screaming at the local railway station. After that she was back in the clinic, where, as usual, everything was fine until she came out last weekend. She resumed drinking although at first not very much. We had an agreement that she would give me control of her money and cards so she could not buy the stuff. I thought that this would fix things; however, yesterday she did not keep the agreement and consumed a whole bottle of red wine, resulting in her being blind drunk, collapsing and vomiting on the floor and having to be taken to the hospital. This morning she was discharged and took an Uber home, and apparently got the driver to stop on the way so she could get more alcohol. She fell over on the bedroom floor before I could get her into bed. She's still lying there and won't get up.

She will have to go to very long-term rehab. My issue now is that I am heartbroken and despairing of any solution. I see no future for her and therefore none for me either. She is all I have (no family or friends). All the dreams I had of happiness in retirement have been shattered and all I have left is loneliness and misery. It's as if she has died. We've been married 35 years this month.

paddyanne · ‎07-09-2019

Hi Blackboy. Unfortunately for your wife, you're probably aware alcoholism is an illness like any other illness (depression, bipolar etc). Your wife too is the ONLY one who can 'fix' her illness. It sounds as though she is aware of her alcoholism but is unable to stop drinking. Alcoholism is hereditary and often starts as children or teens. Until she herself wants to stop, she can't. She will promise faithfully many times to abstain and mean it. There is no 'one cure fixes all' with alcoholism. AA as I understand it has sponsors to guide and support someone who is 'drying out'. The one thing that AA insists on is honesty, every time she 'falls' she has to be honest about it. She doesn't have to explain why, just that she fell again. If she is kept in hospital, I can assure you, doubly, that she won't die, she will be monitored 24/7. You will be kept updated with any and all treatments and you will be notified if she becomes depressed or threatens to hurt herself. You need to self- care so you can be there for her when she is returned home. I think maybe you should consider the Dr's suggestion about keeping her in hospital where she will be well cared for and helped. Her alcoholism is way out of control and she desperately needs help. You need to consider having her taken into hospital so both you and she can get some rest and she can start recovering under supervision.

Blackboy · ‎08-09-2019

Thank you Paddyanne. But I don't think any hospital is going to be willing to keep her for a long period. Hospitals are for people with physical issues, whereas hers is psychological. She has been in hospital many times, and each time she is discharged within 24 hours, once she has "dried out". Hence we are looking at long-term rehab, or perhaps some kind of "halfway house".

paddyanne · ‎08-09-2019

Hi again Blackboy. I suggest you talk to your Dr and explain your wife's alcoholism is out of her control. Ask him direct if he can have her admitted to a ward that deals specifically with alcoholism. Drying out can be painful with many other issues I can't mention here. Tell your Dr she has been admitted many times, but each time, after 24 hrs she has been able to leave. A Dr has the means to insure she will be detained under (I think) the mental health act. This method insures her safety and well-being. She desperately needs professional help and you need rest. You are worn out and stressed from the worry of her safety. If she is similar to most people with this illness she will lie to insure her release. If she is admitted under a Dr's orders, this cancels her release. Tell your Dr you are worried and need rest and she needs help. You can't help her till you are stronger and from the tone of your post, I can hear the tiredness from watching her hurt herself.

Soberlicious96 · ‎08-09-2019

Dear Blackboy,

As soon as I saw you had replied, I thought 'Yay'! He's keeping in touch ...... and then I read that although she didn't drink on the holiday, she did drink on return, and, by your account has 'stumbled' quite badly.

So my 'yay' was quite quickly deflated. I am so sorry to hear that this just seems to be one of those situations that is going to have a rather sad story to it.

I know you say that she is your world and you have no-one else, (and I've probably mentioned this before) but if you go to Al-Anon, you will find there understanding and support. You can learn to live your best possible life, even though she is continuing to drink. I urge you, with all the earnestness that I can, to try Al-anon again. There is a whole new bunch of friends and 'soul' family in Al-anon, just waiting to meet you ..... you must haven't met them yet.

And if not Al-anon, then maybe you could join some other group of some sort? Like a local men's shed or something? Something that is just for you, and that will help you to break that cycle of constantly picking up after her ...... something that gets you out of the house, away from the pain of watching her destroy herself.

It sounds like putting her into permanent care is the best option. Certainly not the easiest, by any means, but the best. You have carried this heavy load for a long time now. There IS a future for you, and her ...... it's just not at all how you thought it might be. It's not too late to turn things around at least for yourself. And who knows, maybe it will give you both a bit of relief? It doesn't mean that you can't visit her ........ but it sounds like you are in desperate need of a break. And soon.

Again, I am sorry to hear of this dreadful fall back into the pit of alcoholism. I wish I could help some more, I really do.

And if you don't join Al-anon again, or a men's shed or whatever, then just keep coming back here ...... but I have a suggestion with that too; the next time you post on here, tell me what you have done for YOURSELF. something JUST for you, that didn't involve trying to control or cure your wife's drinking.

Most importantly, don't lose hope for yourself. We're here for you. No matter what. And I'll be watching for your next post, for a hobby you engaged in, or something you did just for you. Just for an hour. Just because.

Take care. Still here for you. xo

Blackboy · ‎09-09-2019

You are both very kind. My wife and I are working on ideas. I will get back to you in a few days. Thanks so much.

Soberlicious96 · ‎09-09-2019

I'll look forward to it. Am keeping you and your wife in my thoughts every day. xo