Wife Feft

[Gato46]

Wife Left

Resided in China for 20 years, married a Chinese women  some 10 years ago ,(wife is 35 and myself 77 now) returned to Australia 4 years ago and with child and wife, she is very unhappy, myself not perfect some lies were told in our marriage but I am to blame on all most everything, she suffers depression blame me for it, suggesting I should see a therapist instead of her .

Sone after our daughter was born the she become aggressive and insulting and swearing at me angry at not listening at her advice  about company matters, on many occasions she wouldn’t t stop yelling and swearing had to send her home with my driver, trashed the apartment a few times and I let it go thinking it has something to do with post-natal depressions, suggest then she should  see a doctor but in China this is a no-no. Then and now, attempting to have some kind of conversation is futile, she constantly interrupts and get very angry. Just before she left our home, told me she was dating on line to find out if she is still desirable and find love , that was very hurtful. My daughter tells me , “mama wants you to die to find another man younger to look after her”.      

Left home some 3 weeks ago and said she needs time to evaluate our relationship and she wants to come back in two months. For the las 4 year no sex and the level of personal insults toward child and me and swearing is staggering. She said sorry for being a monster but her excuse ‘I am angry’. Twice had to call the police got crazy  and attempted to commit suicide and taken to hospital , she convinced the doctors nothing wrong with her, they let he go back home. Despite everything , still ,call me stupid, I have felling’s for the  women just very worried to let her back home without her seeking mental help , I have a child and she doesn’t want mom to come back home. The child become withdrawn, lost appetite and stroppy now , she tells me mama hurts her and I am scared of her.

As an aside, my wife is a very intelligent lady, I employed her in China as my translators, and she had a BS in Exterior Commence, she told her self very fluent in English and turns that she was very efficient in to running my aerospace business, year later she become partner in to the business. My wife had an affinity to the western world and at my retiring we moved to Australia. Once she become an Australian citizen she enrolls at the universities to study law , first year  passing all examination with very high percentage and she got herself a part time job as a clerical in a local law firm. She has a golden heart and shares with the family. 

Don’t understand how is possible someone with depression act normal and for some reason becomes a monster. Some time in my mind I think, was I used to a ticked to the west..?  Our age gap is huge, then again culturally Chinese women don’t mind age and looks as long the man looks after them. Can folks with depression mask the change of personality..? what can I do to help, let her go to find her own way or keep soldering on..?

Respectfully

gato

[white knight]

Hi Gato, welcome

One clear problem here is differences in traditions which could have caused a compounding of your current issues. It might well be a tradition in China for example to "...don’t mind age and looks as long the man looks after them" but I could imagine some that venture to the west soon find out it isnt China and freedom among other things can open up options like ".. to find out if she is still desirable and find love". From these observations it seems she doesnt feel like she is "in love" a need she may have ignored for a long time. This alone could project that this whole saga isnt your fault but circumstances... in a way it isnt hers either as she may have had good intentions.

To extend these traditions further she refuses to attend medical people for evaluation. Anger alone is justification for such attention. Even interrupting you in verbal stoushes is traditional in many countries. However lies and blaming, trashing residences is not acceptable and your hands are tied with what you can do. Damage to items should be reported to the police even if it is just documented for your use later.

I would visit a family law solicitor but not before you document all unsatisfactory actions that are court relevant if it came to a legal fight. Leave out the   -to find love and all those things court would not be interested in. Police report if you have them are useful.

I would also get in touch with human services child protection units as your daughter has disclosed her being hurt by her mother. This is serious and needs addressing- how, why, when??? Consider seeking restricted access for safety reasons. I'm sorry but this is essential.

I read "I have felling’s for the  women..." that might well be but emotions have to be set aside and her actions confronted. This could go either way, she may learn that her actions are unacceptable in this country or she will continue and refuse to change. Either way you have to set aside your feelings and protect your daughter. No argument from you will do any good now, that road has washed away.

At your age (I'm 68) you have to safeguard your health so please visit your GP regularly and discuss these issues with them. 

I dont have any other suggestions and wish you well in your plight, repost anytime.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

Intelligent, studious, and career/goal oriented - even made 'partner' and owning half your business (or more if you are now retired?).
Her 'talents' would appear wasted on a child, one would think; and daughter's reasonable requests for attention would likely be seen as an imposition or step down in her estimation.

I would recommend an Au Pair to handle the raising of the child and, given wife's needs for sexual or just emotional/romantic fulfilment, then allow her that freedom if you can stomach the rejection.
This may never have been a loving relationship to begin with, which sort of changes the framework of how it functions in the later years - flexibility being the key to finding a workaround, perhaps.

In relationships, we often believe what we want to believe and rarely see the wood for the trees. The positive side is that wife has indicated a return after which time you will have had the opportunity to ponder where things go from here.

Focusing solely on wife's problems may be time better spent if applied to the collective issues underpinning your relationship.

If possible, recognise your limitations and assist in your wife's desires if you wish to sustain the association - everyone needs to feel desired, and your wife may be reflecting on some bad choices/sacrifices in pursuit of personal glory.