Ways to forgive and heal from someone with depression who has hurt and abandoned you?

[Zoe22]

I'm struggling to find ways to forgive and heal from a loved one with depression who has hurt me multiple times over the past two years. When things get too emotional, he will shut down and withdraw completely from the situation. It's hard because that's when I needed him the most.  I'm finally realizing that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. Sometimes anger and sadness will come in waves when I think about all of the times I've felt let down.  Everytime it happened it made me feel unloved and abandoned. Currently we aren't talking as it has gotten to the point where it is emotionally toxic for both of us as nothing seems to change. I've been trying to keep really busy and active. Sometimes I'll go to meditation or yoga classes but it's hard to quiet the mind and stop all the emotions. Does anyone have activities that have helped them forgive and heal? How long does it take to heal from all of this? Are you ever completely healed? 

[geoff]

dear Zoe, sometimes love doesn't go both ways, which disappoints us, because there are times when we need our partner/spouse to help us overcome the difficult times and when this doesn't happen it upsets us and probably annoys us, but you can't make an argument out of this, as much as you want to tell him, because the situation will only get worse.

It's a catch-22 situation here, either you wait until he comes back and then try and sort out what has happened or you decide to leave it alone and go in another direction and because this could have happened time after time.

I would suggest for your safety that you leve and go the other way.

How long it takes to get over this depends on what other activities or social events you can do, because if you get involved with other people it will make it so much easier. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Zoe

I am so sad that you are in this hard place. People with depression are hurting so much themselves that they often cannot see the pain that happens to others. And you are right about the anger and sadness coming in waves. Sometimes this wave is so huge it feels as though you are completely swamped, cannot breath, speak or move. It is a truly horrible place to be.

I gather from your post that you are still living together. Are you considering separation at all? This is a question, not a suggestion. I ask because if you are thinking of leaving it is a whole new ballgame. I will leave it at that for the time being.

I would like to clarify a couple of things but please understand these are not judgmental questions. When your partner goes through a deep depressive stage and withdraws, is this the time you feel let down. Or does something happen that upsets you and you want your partner's support but he finds the emotional "stuff" difficult and withdraws? Either way you are clearly distressed and need to feel loved and cared for.

I practice meditation and understand the difficulty of quietening the mind. The point is not to try and stop the mind chasing a group of monkeys swinging through the trees. It's to start meditating and when you realise your mind has gone off track to say to yourself "OK, lets get back to it" and gently return to your meditation without getting cross with yourself or frustrated. It's the discipline of constantly returning that helps you to meditate.

I expect you will think this is so obvious that there's no point in saying it, but have you tried to talk to him about your feelings? To explain how you feel shut out of his life and how much you want to be part of each other? Beyond Blue has information on depression and on caring for people with depression. Browse the blue tabs at the top of the page, especially Resources. You can download the information or get BB to send you the printed resources. Try to be as informed as possible about depression and how to help someone. And very importantly, how to help you.

Please write in again and tell us how we can help you further. Just writing down your feelings is great. You are anonymous here and everyone cares for everyone else.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Zoe

I meant to add this at the end of my post but forgot. Look under the Staying Well forum and go to the Do You Forgive thread by Shelley Anne. It's an interesting discussion on forgiveness that may give you some tips.

Mary

[Zoe22]

Hi Mary,

 Thanks for your response. It was very helpful. Yes, it definitely comes and goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I'm fine and at peace with everything and other times I'm overcome by anger and sadness. We aren't living together. We are actually living in separate states at the moment. Yes, I feel very let down when my former partner withdrew and ignored me. This would happen for extended periods of time but only when things got emotionally. I guess I just felt like I spent so much time supporting and being there for him that I realized that he was never there for me when I really needed him.  I have tried talking about him about my feelings. When I finally think that he gets where I'm coming from, he'll stonewall me. It's incredibly frustrating and hurtful. Thanks for all your suggestions. Right now I think a separation between contacting him is really important in order to refuel emotionally. I think that continuing meditation will be helpful. I will also make sure to read the do you forgive thread.

Thanks

[Mooioio]

Hi Zoe,

I came across your post while searching the forum for some support. Your situation is exactly the same as mine. I also have a depressed partner who live in different state, like to pay the blame game, and stonewall me ( for weeks ) whenever his emotion get too much for him to handle.

It’s a catch 22 situation here like Geoff said really and I’m still struggling to decide which way to go. I know that a depressed person need support, can’t control his own emotion and therefore might react irrational. But at the same it is really difficult for the career especially the spouse to handle the situation. In the end we are all human and we have our own need also. And the frustration when you always have to put someone else needs as a priority over your own.So do you stay or do you go for your sake. I still don’t know.

I also try to to do exercises, keeping myself busy. But it’s truly difficult when you feel alone. In the end you are still in a relationship and feeling detach and disconnect from the relationship is the worst thing one can experience.

I notice your post is an older post and I am not sure if you are still active. But just wondering how you are doing and if you have found any good way in dealing with the situation.

Moo

[paddyanne]

Hi Zoe22. I was in the same position you're in now. I decided after countless arguments to let him go his own way. No-one can change anyone else, all we can do is change how we deal with the situation. Stonewalling is very common when someone decides they either don't want or don't need the 'burden' they believe another person places on them. They will listen and often guide or help, but if they are proved wrong, they stonewall as they don't want to know. Friendship is two-ways, give and take, etc. I know you're hurting, but continuing in this toxic situation is hurting you more than the stonewalling. Healing takes as long as you let it continue to eat you. Letting go of the hurt requires you to separate the person from the action. Allow yourself to hate the action, but the person can't help his/her actions because they can't 'see'. Don't waste time disliking or hating them, just dislike the action because that's what's hurt you. You will get through this, and you will come out stronger and better for the knowledge.