CANT FIND A NAME FOR WHAT'S WRONG.

[Debbie1561]

My name is Debbie, I'm 58 years old, and my son is 27. I love my son but I don't like him..not at all, in fact I can honestly say. I hate him, and this breaks my heart, fills me with such despair, but I have tried for so long and so hard to help him. Things are just getting worse, and I really don't know what to do anymore, or if l'm honest, I do know what to do, but l'm scared of what that outcome will be.

My son has always had problems, was always a bit sad, had trouble at school. We tried all the conventional help that is offered. Psychologists, therapists, speech, occupational therapy.. we got him thru school. He was never a very confident person, still isn't. People know this and take advantage of him and he thinks they are his friends, but when they have what they want they usually just leave him. Breaks my heart, have tried explaining things to him, but in his words..I don't know shit.

Anyway years go by..drugs, fights at home, Avo's..lots of damage to our home, but we still allowed him to stay at home. Jobs few and far between..more drugs..ICE..very, very bad drug. And so we come to present time. I have allowed him to stay in the home as I can't see him living on the streets, also, he wont leave, and unless I forcible remove him by the police he will not leave, and then if he did, I don't trust him not to damage the house even more. He has two court proceedings atm, 1, for the assistance in selling drugs, and 2. for having stolen goods in his poccession. I thought he had stopped using ICE and was just smoking cannabis..that didn't last long. His room which had be newly painted and carpet put down is like some drug den from a bad old movie. Im his mother and the things he calls me are disgusting. For the most part I ignore as I know he wants a response, but the last 2 weeks have been so bad. I told him he didn't know the meaning of respect. Its not just name calling, lots of things going on.

Why am I writing here? I'm stuck, I feel sick, Im enabling his behaviour, BUT, l don't know what to do..I am a shell of what I used to be, and I really dont know how much more I can take... I loose my son no matter what I do.. Thanks for taking the time to read, any help/suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Deb 😞

[Doolhof]

Hi Debbie,

It does sound like you are in a predicament at present. From what you have written, I see you have considered various options and are concerned what the consequences could be if you asked your son to leave.

You mentioned you have sought out assistance for your son, have you received any counselling for yourself to help you with the issues around your son?

I'm not sure if an organisation such as legal aid would be able to advise you on how to proceed if you want your son to leave but he refuses to do so.

Everyone is entitled to respect to have their needs met and considered. Do you think your son's behaviour will change for the positive?

I guess you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to allow this situation to continue. It is not easy to make such decisions.

Would it help to write down the situation and consider all possible options?

It may be helpful to call the Beyond Blue support people and have a chat with them as well. They may be able to put you in touch with an agency or group that could help you sort these issues.

It must be difficult living as you are. Hope you manage to find a solution soon.

Regards from Dools

[Croix]

Dear Debbie

I'd like to join Dools in welcoming you here. I can feel the level of desperation and lack of hope in your words and my heart goes out to you.

Please excuse me for being blunt, I can't think of how to put matters any other way.

You say yourself "I loose my son no matter what I do.." I'd have to agree, from the picture you paint he has already spiraled down to trouble with the police and drugs, ending in ICE. All after extensive help in his youth offered wiht love.

If he stays you give time. "Enabling his behavior" is how you see it, but time for what, to go further along his present way? Right now you are the target of his ill treatment.

If he goes there may be reprisals, it may make him more desperate and your own feelings will no doubt be full of grief and guilt.

Now we come to something important you say "I am a shell of what I used to be, and I really dont know how much more I can take..."

When you yourself are in such a state I'd imagine there are three considerations. First is that at present you do not sound in any condition to make decisions, The second that whatever you decide you are at your lowest ebb in being able to cope with the consequences.

The third is that if things remain the same your own resilience and ability to keep going will get worse.

The one thing you can try to control is your own condition. You did say 'we' a couple of times, do you have a partner and if so is he supportive to you?

You need allies, perspective and whatever assistance you can get. So that means in part leaning on anyone who can help, and part professional guidance. Can I suggest like Dools you ring our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636 ), or Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) or 1800 Respect (1800 737 732)

The you can try all three and see which most closley meets your needs in a realistic manner. Complex long standing problems do not readily get fixed by seemingly simple solutions.

The point I'm making Debbie is that you need to be in the very best condition possible to deal with this. It does not make problems go away, it helps you in decision making and dealing with consequences.

You frustration, guilt, hopelessness (and probavly anger too) are not your doing, and you need to see yourself as the strong, loving and determined person you are.

Do you think that is a reasonable approach?

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi Debbie

Welcome to bb.

Birdy and Croix have given you some excellent advice, so I won't repeat their messages.

I do believe there is hope for you and your son but that there is a long road ahead.

My 23 year old neice became addicted to ice. She also fell into trouble with the law. My sister-in-law gave her a choice: enter a drug treatment program or leave.

The thinking behind this ultimatum was that losing her comfortable life at home might give her a reason to change. My sister-in-law also had to protect herself and others livingvin the home. My neice chose to go, leaving her toddler behind.

For three years my neice lived on the streets in the drug world, such is the power of ice addiction. She was victimised by men and was lucky to survive. We have no idea how she supported herself.

All attempts to offer her help to get into treatment, whenever she might surface looking for money or when a hospital would call, were rejected. Until one day when she called her mum and said she was ready to seek help.

She is now four years clean, a proper mother, devoted partner and working full time. It is possible to come out the other side.

However, my point is this: nothing is going to improve at home until your son decides to change his behaviour. You can't do it for him.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would do whatever I thought would best motivate him to seek help for his drug addiction.

Hope this makes sense.

Kind thoughts to you