Very worried Mother/Grandmother

Mother_Bear · ‎09-06-2014

My eldest daughter (C1) has suffered from depression, anxiety and BPD since 15yo and is now 20 with a 9 month old baby (C2). We've found our worst nightmare coming true as her relationship with the father has broken down and now so has her mind and mental health. My daughter and grandson moved back home with us about 3 months ago and for a while seemed to be going OK. We have been noticing her lack of patience and general anger/frustration with C2, which is enough of a concern but now she tells us that she feels like ending her life.

C1 was supposed to start a new anti-depressant 3 weeks ago but thought she was fine and has ended up in a downward sprial since. When she visited her GP today, they wanted to admit her to hospital but she refused.

Not only do I feel sick with concern for the wellbeing and future of both of them, I'm also very frustrated as C1 hasn't taken meds as prescribed, pushed us into a corner to babysit C2 (she was going out come hell or highwater and if we didn't look after C2 she was going to give him to her extremely

useless ex partner who is incapable of looking after anyone including himself) and has proved to be really irresponsible with money, meaning we are continually coming to her rescue financially.

I think that years of psych visits,

self harm, hospital admittances,suicide attempts has taken it's toll on my hubby and I. We are both so stressed and strung out and devastated, we don't know where to turn or how to handle anything at the moment. I feel like we need to watch C1 full time for signs of suicide and to be sure that she's doing the right thing with C2 - Bless him, he's such a happy baby who doesn't deserve to have a miserable and grumpy mother.

For the past 3 weeks, i've hardly been able to talk to anyone without dissolving into tears, can't get to sleep coz all I want to do is cry and can't concentrate on anything at work. I feel so very sorry for others who have probably dealt with far worse situtations and can only imagine their pain. I'm off to my 1st counselling session next week but I'm petrified for the future - for our whole family, as I can't see how C1 can become a fully functioning, self reliant and self funding person, and I feel like our whole lives revolve around her and her moods.

Sorry this is so long but there is still so much left unsaid.......

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Mares73 · ‎10-06-2014

Dear Mother Bear, firstly thank you for reaching out to Beyond Blue. I hope you will find compassion, advice & support. I notice Beyond Blue has put their disclaimer about working behind the scenes up under your post so I hope they contact you ASAP. I am a mother with two children & I suffer from depression. But unlike what you've described, my kids are my reason for living. However apart from the constant battle with your daughter I'd guess she is also experiencing post natal depression. She is very fortunate to have such a caring family-that is quite rare. So there are 2 issues-your daughter & the baby. I think the situation sounds serious enough that you get in contact with the acute local mental health team (Beyond Blue would give you details) & get an urgent assessment. If she is at risk to herself or others ie the baby-she will be forced to go to hospital & I know that's distressing but it may save her or the baby. She needs to take medication & a hospital admission sounds like the best option as she will be given medication & treatment. This is too serious a situation to just hope things will improve. I feel your pain & helplessness & I feel so much for your family. Please if beyond blue hasn't phoned you, phone them & tell them how serious it is & get her seen by the acute team ASAP. Does that help as a first critical msg? Love Mares

Jo3 · ‎10-06-2014

Hi Mother Bear

I totally agree with Mares, pls contact the local mental health team at your local hospital. Your daughter needs urgent help now, for the sake of her and her baby.

I feel for you and your husband - it's a tough decision but a wise decision to get help for your daughter.

Hope you can come back and chat again, let us know how things go

Take care

Jo xx

geoff · ‎10-06-2014

dear MB, you are caught in a catch 22 situation, with practically little movement either way, so what can you do.

Well this isn't as easy as it sounds, because you have C1 and C2 to worry about but there is you and your hubby who are being dragged into this position without wanting it to be this way.

She basically has to take her medication, but she's not going to unless she is, well, forced to, and perhaps by her going into hospital this would happen.

I know and you know that she's not helping herself, and this then follows through to C2, who will believe that he will have been raised by his grandparents, and although you love him, I'm not too sure that you want this responsibilty as it's a fulltime job.

Even if for some reason C1 is admitted into hospital for suicide watch, then this is only for a temporary period, so long term it's back to square one.

Can I ask you a question, do you and your hubby want full custody of C2 or is this going down the wrong path.

There is more that I would like to talk about with you, and can I please remind you that this post of yours maybe pushed onto page 2 because of the amount of comments that are posted, so if for some reason I miss it then please reply back, as this will then put it back onto page 1, sorry, but there are so many comments that need attention, that I get side-tracked.

And remember this post is just as important as all the rest, because they all rank the same. L Geoff. x

Mother_Bear · ‎10-06-2014

Thanks to everyone for your well wishes. It seems everyday brings a new challenge and is never the same as the day before!

Last night and today finds our daughter in a better state of mind and as of yesterday she is now taking her medication. So, at this point, she does not appear to be suicidal, although we are ever vigilant.

I probably need to reassure you all that we don't feel she's a danger or threat to C2 - more impatient than anything. Although we are watching this closely too. When we do offer advice, she feels that we are interfering although we stress to her that we only do this with their best interests in mind. Her moods are very up and down, and are often caused by consequences of her own irrational behaviour. Of course, we can often see what's coming, offer advice and then have to deal with the fallout, so very frustrating all round.

Geoff, we don't want full custody of C2 - we want our daughter to be a fully functioning mother and we are not in a financial position to have full custody. I work full time, with long hours and a huge workload but a very understanding boss. However, if things deteriorate to the point where we think C2 is in danger or C1 is not capable of caring for him, we would definitely have to consider this option.

I'd be very interested to hear from other parents as to how they handle their situations with mentally ill childeren and their coping strategies. One of the biggest issues we have trouble dealing with is the fact that we can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and our lives are continually revolving around C1's issues and moods. We feel that we will never have a life for ourselves and although this is possibly selfish, we are tired and drained and sad, and want a better life for our whole family.

Struggler · ‎11-06-2014

Hi Mother Bear

Good to hear your daughter is on medication. It's such a huge step forward but it is only treating the symptom.

Many people develop depression because of something traumatic happened in the past. Sometimes depression stems from childhood abuse or other reasons. For me, my depression and anxiety was caused by workplace bullying and discrimination, being driven from workplace to workplace during my whole working life. I am now in a position of being able to remove myself from the source and on the road to recovery, I hope.
So, maybe you want to rule out that your daughter's condition was not caused by traumatic events that you don't know about. If that's the case, you can begin to empathise with her and take it from there together with the medication of course.
Hope that helps.
Struggler