Urgent help, Please!

[laureah21]

Hi everyone,

I am hoping you can help me as I am not sure what to do.  My wonderful caring fiance who has helped me overcome my own anxiety problems has dropped into a extremely DEEP depresion himself in the last two weeks.  It is 24 hours a day.  He goes from being very quiet and not getting out of bed, to not letting me leave his side.  I have worried he might do somethng silly as he keeps sending me strange text messages about how I will be better off without him and I deserve more and then switching his phone off.

He has become extremely jealous of my PAST, even though I don't really have a past of any significance.  Just the normal amount of ex boyfriends.  He is bringing up things I said 10 years ago about my uni life, and the other day insisted on knowing how many people I have slept with.  He tells me he knows he is being unfair but says these old conversations we have had keep popping up in his brain making him really jealous and irrational. 

I am trying to be supportive but it is hard when you feel you are being attacked morally!    I have asked him to see a therapist, I finally managed to get him to see a Dr yesterday but all they did was give him medication and send him on his way.  I just recieved an email from him saying he was going to go and live with his mum for awhile 😞

We only got engaged in January after 10 happy years.  He had a hard childhood, with his Dad leaving and taking the money out of there piggy banks ont the way out, but this week he has told me that there are horrible thigs he has never told anyone about his past.  That scared me and made me feel really protective, but I feel it is way over my head and he needs professional help.  I have talked him to seeing my Clinical psych for a couples meeting as I am hoping he can build confidence to see someone by himself.  I really love him and don't want to leave but he is pushing me away.... feel like I am hanging on to our relationship for grim death.  I also have feelings of guilt thinking how much easier it would be to walk away and give him what he wants.... I don't want that though, I want our relationship back.

Does anyone have any ideas what could help him?

thanks

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear laureah,

He's protecting you.    We tend to become our dads/mums and you can tell his dad was not a good father to him.    The trigger would have to be getting engaged.

Stick with it and see if the medication reduce his anxiety.   A GP can organise counselling to if your fiance present as needing this too.   Lying in bed 24/7 is a good way to process the past.     People take the pressure of intended marriage as a challenge rather than a hope.  In the end the best day of our lives can become the worst.

If his self worth is still low it might take a very patient time and if he acts on his "you don't need me" then the psychiatric hospital will support.    I'm not sure going to stay with his mum is a bad thing - he'll feel secure and she'll be there to share the burden.    You can stay there too at weekends and help out.     It's great preparation for married life and learning how to get along with your mother in law.   Might actually make your marriage stronger.

Adios, David.

[Alison]

I understand when you say you want to support him and not walk away , though I know from experience from falling in love with a guy that was troubled and talked of suicide, that unless the person can face their demonds and help themselves, it can be a long battle and things may get worse if they don't face the source of the problem for their own benefit. Especially if you have children or you face an illness yourself, you could face some really dark times as I did and has been my experience with some friends over the years. After years of seeing relationships fall apart , the individual needs to feel empowered through their healing. Also consider the affect on future children if you do choose to have them. Don't do anything because you feel guilty, it doesn't  serve anyone. Good luck 

[emmjay]

You know already only you can decide what to do. i can hear how much you love this man and how desperate you are feeling.
The reality is there is not much you can do right now. one thing i have learned caring for my son is that spending time focusing on things you have no control over helps no one, and hurts you.
focus on what you have the ability to do. learn good support skills. learn to paraphrase, mirror back to him and active listening. educate yourself on doctors and services in the area that can help so if the time comes that he asks for help you have some suggestions.
most important you look after yourself so you stay well. you have been through your own recent illness after all. i wish you all the best.

[bdihealth]

Hi Laureah21,

I found myself in the same situation your fiance is now in 20 years ago.  So I have some insight into what is going on.

You can find my story on the man therapy website www.mantherapy.org.au under the "tales of triumph" videos.  I am the "David"

1.  You need to protect and look after yourself first.  If you start falling apart you can't support him.

2.  You need to consider what is best for you.  Don't stay in a relationship out of a sense of duty or pity.  My fiance decided she couldn't cope and left.  I bear her no malice.  She did what she had to do to protect herself.  If she was not strong enough to cope with those types of challenges then it is best we split before we got married.

3.  You need to realize that his condition is temporary and he will get better.  If what you had over the last 10 years is what you want in the future then have faith and accept it will take time.

 Does your fiance have a supportive social network he can talk to.? From my personal experience the demons loose their power when you become open about the situation with a supportive network.  I would be happy to talk to your fiance if he wants to talk about what he is going through.  He is not the first person to feel this way and he is not going to be the last.

[laureah21]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for all your support and  insight.  I just wanted to say that he has started seeing a clinical psych weekly and is taking medication now. 

 I thought this would help but it seems to have intensified everything.  Im assuming its a bit of the "darkest before the dawn" thing going on. 

 One positive is  I am learning LOTS of things about him in the last month then the last 10 years.  He has told me, that as a teenager he had OCD, quiet severely.  Not being able to step on lines without catastrophic thoughts and counting everything. 

 He also got belted around the head by his father constantly and soon after suffered seizures that he was put on medication for, nobody every knew why he suffered from them. I siad thats probably why!

 They stopped when his Dad left.  He had also had his drink spiked with what sounds like LSD when he was about 10 (drug addict Dad).  I feel so ANGRY with his father that if I saw him I don't know what I would do.  I have also gathered a dislike for his mother for allowing this to happen, and for being so preoccupied with her own self through this whole thing.  (Sulking behaviour as we didn't go out for her birthday and trying to convince him not see a psych or take medication, to just get busy doing things) 

 Anyway, it seems that this depression has brought on  the Obsessive part of OCD again... me being the obsession.  Its SOOOOO hard to not take everything personally, as I get constant interogation of the same questions about my past boyfriends, he knows he sounds like a crazy person but he said he cant do anything about it.  I made up my mind the other day that I was not going to let this ruin our relationship or effect me.  The only thing I say to him now is how much I love him and I will be here for him the whole way through.  I feel better for making that decision.  The thought of not being with him makes me sooo sad.  Its not  survival (mortgage, bills etc ) thoughts but when I think of never seeing him again, I only think of the happy times and imagine future happy times and not having that makes me really upset.  Took that as a sign to stick with him

[geoff]

dear Laureah, oh dear is all I can say.

I have had OCD for 54 years and then I was assaulted and developed epilepsy in '83 and take medication for both.

His OCD is causing him to always query your past relationships, as I was always the same at first, and I was also a jealous person, thinking that my wife was approaching another male, or if a male paid too much attention to her, I would worry as well.

My wife always did the same as you in telling me that she loved me and not to worry, but this only stopped half of my worry, but she accepted it, and didn't complain about it.

I take a SSRI medication for my depression and to help me with my OCD which is related to anxiety, and I take a heavy dose of two anti-epileptic medications, all of which make me very tired, but that's much better than having a grand mal seizure.

It took awhile before this medication started to work, especially with my depression, but now it's doing it's job, but I can't miss a dose, otherwise I fall back into the black hole, but as soon as I take it I am OK in about 15 minutes.

With a bit of luck his medication will kick in much quicker, but it may take some time. L Geoff. x

[Pixie15]

Hi laureah,

A few years back I threatened my partner that I would leave him if he did not seek medical help. When he was first on medication he was very mean and angry at me. I thought this would pass with time and I put up with a lot believing that he could not help himself because of his illness to the point that I ended up depressed myself. I have been getting psychological help in the last few months which has supported me to look after myself better and deal with my own anxiety. The thing is that as I have tolerated less he seems to have been able to help himself more. Its good to support and care for someone you love but its not good to do it at the expense of you own health and dignity. Best wishes, Chris.