Don't understand my husband

[Jo3]

I just don't understand my husband. Today he told me that it is my problem in seeing a psych not his.  I have been seeing a psych for the last 3 yrs for childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.  I understand that I am the one with all these issues but being married for 27 yrs I thought he would at least want to know more about how he could help me but instead he is staying away from any therapy sessions at all.  I've even tried to get him to read information on what I'm suffering but he won't read any of it.  So I am at a loss as to what to do.

I am really angry and can't understand him saying that to me.  I thought he was understanding but obviously I was wrong.  I now feel so isolated and abandoned by yet another person in my life. My parents abandoned me 3 yrs ago when i told them of my abuse.  I don't know what to think anymore.  Borderline personality disorder is crap, i hate it and i can't cope with it. Everything feels too much at times and it's hard when my husband says something like this.

He won't come to any sessions because now he obviously thinks I;m the one with the problem - not him.  It's not my fault that I was abused; or that I am suffering depression; or that I have BPD.

It is so difficult when my emotions are at an extreme level, very high. And it takes time for my emotions to come back down.  And this is because of BPD sufferers.  At the moment I feel like giving up but part of me says no even though a huge part says yes just go away.

 Does anyone have any advice on what I could do?

 Jo

[Chris_B]

Hi Jo,

Sorry to hear that your husband doesn't *get it*.  You're right, the thing that sucks about BPD is that it puts a magnifying glass on everything that happens to you; an event that might on good days hit 2/10 on the "feeling bad" scale jumps up to an 8/10 on others.  And when you hit 8/10, you see everything else that happens to you through the lens of awful, and it's a big soupy mess.

I don't know what your relationship has been like with your husband up until this point, but the best suggestion I can offer is to focus on the things you can control.  The old cliche about leading the horse to water is very true with therapy, it's very difficult to help someone who isn't ready'/doesn't want to be helped.

Stick to your therapy and working through your triggers and how to manage them, one of which will unfortunately be how your husband reacts to you.  Get some specific advice from your therapist around how to manage the triggers within your relationship.

There is something that has kept you together for 27 years - perhaps in the meantime try and focus on the good things about your relationship, what you love about each other, and try to accept for the moment that he is not ready/is unable to process what you are going through.  Saying it's "your problem" is certainly an unhelpful reaction, but his inability to deal with the issue is his problem and your can't control that - your "problem" is how you manage your reaction to it.

When you feel safe and ready, try sitting down with him again and talking through what you *both* can do to make living together easier.  Set a timer and give each other 10 minutes of uninterrupted talking time if you have to, but leave therapy at the psych's office and just come back to focusing on the two of you.

Don't give up just yet.

take care CB

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[Jo3]

Hi Chris,

Thanks so much for your reply.   I just feel that I would like my husband and others (even certain friends) to support and understand me.  It's difficult to explain to people what it's like to have BPD (borderline personality disorder) and I hate those words. It feels like I am on a border line of different personality disorders.  I hate everything at the moment, I can't explain it to anyone because no one listens or understands me.  And why do i have to explain things to my friends.

I'm sorry I just don't get it myself at times either and I get so damn frustrated and angry with myself because I just don't get myself.

Last night I had a horrible nightmare waking up in a sweat.  It had all my family including my parents (who all don't talk to me) in my dream.  Everywhere I looked in my dream; there they were.  It was horrible.

 I guess I will work on my therapy with my psych weekly. But what hurts the most is that I feel so damn lonely, so damn rejected and abandoned by the people that are supposed to be my parents, my sisters, my husband and my friends.

Thanks to BB I have made some "on line forum friends".  They understand, they get it and they support. Thanks to everyone.

 Jo

[geoff]

dear Jo, it's not very pleasant that your husband has seemed to put all the blame onto you and what's happened in the past, and maybe if he did accept what has happened then this would ease your pain.

I don't know why we dream of certain people, but what I do know for myself is that I believe that my antidepressant makes me dream of weird situations or people I haven't seen in from years ago, they just seem to be plucked out of no where, and I wonder why our subconscious seems to do this to us. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Jo,

It's hard to leave this board with ongoing stories and situations like yours.  The sexual abuse you had when 9 is obviously having some terrible effects on you now.  Maybe you are so distraught at times that your husband doesn't want to get involved but, really, although in an ideal relationship we probably should support each other (even if you kill someone !), your husband is perfectly OK to chose to be distant on this subject.  He may have done all he can in the past.  It might be his way of supporting you by letting you do all the therapy and seeking some release from this prison of guilt that sexual abuse often brings.

But, I agree with Geoff - "it's not very pleasant that your husband has seemed to put all the blame onto you".   And Geoff's divorced so he should know.

For me and all your posts this last 4 - 6 weeks I can't see the bubble bursting.   Your trigger can be the sexual abuse, the lack of parental contact, the lack of awareness from your husband, the Father's Day without your parents, etc.  There's always gonna be some sort of trigger.   And the reason is that you want control over SOMETHING !  Why ?   Because you couldn't control the sexual abuse from your dad when you were 9.

Your subconscious is saying "This shouldn't happen, why aren't you helping me ?" a million times a second.   Re-living the trauma.  Unless you can re-direct these thoughts and find alternative sources to vent / take action / criticise it seems you'll be in a tough place for a while.   It would be naive to say you are chosing that tough place and all the sexual abuse dilemma.  But when you sense the anger and frustration creeping up over all these anxillary issues would you be able to at least recognise that it's another Attack from Your Subconcious ?  Another AYS ?

My kids use the phrase "in his daddyness" when I go off over small things - same deal, why did I have to get bipolar, woe is me ?  Maybe instead of "Attack from Your Subconcious" - possibly a film about and ex boyfriend who orders the last bread roll whilst you're both shopping at the bakes - you should develope the phrase "in my mummyness" just to put a label on all these out of control moments and huge expectations.

Most men would attend therapy with you.    You just shouldn't ask/demand they attend first.  It has to be THEIR idea.  This means you must be calm and attractive to be with.   Your husband is blaming you for your problems in the hope that he is getting in first.  I mean, he probably expects to be bashed by you at your session.

The bottom line could be that he is anxious THAT HE CAN'T CONTROL WHAT YOU SAY.    But, er, a little trust might be good.  Give him 2 months and try again.

Adios, David.

PS   You know I resolved my situation with my friend who's drunk husband is divorcing her.  It's taken all year though.  My main reason for having time out.

[Ja]

Hello Jo,

My wife has severe depression, anxiety, alcohol, etc. I don't know your situation but from my own experience, maybe your husband is frustrated and angry at the situation? Perhaps he feels that he is having to try and keep things together in the family and that you are not trying hard enough to hold up your end of the deal? I know my wife is very emotional and at times says very hurtful hateful things to me. Most of the time she does not mean it, but its still very frustrating for me and at times I get very angry with her. I expect her to try harder to get her act together and stop winging all the time but I guess I'm not in her shoes, and maybe I am a bit hard on her at times.

These sort of illnesses can take a hard toll on the whole family. I know that I am very tired and emotionally worn out from dealing with her very demanding sickness decade after decade  trying to be strong for both of us. I know I come off (according to her) as very hard and uncaring on many an occasion. I know that on occasions I have almost come to the end of my tether and  have also said many hurtful things back to her, which I regret. Men of my baby boomer generation are often taught to be strong and not emotionally weak and not to show emotions. 

So maybe your husband is having trouble dealing with the issues also. I will pray for you and for him that he may be more understanding and patient.

[Jo3]

Hi David

Gosh that was a long message - but thank you.  I think what you wrote about controlling something is right but I don't know why I do it, well maybe what you said about being abused is right. Just one thing though - my dad didn't abuse (it was my neighbour, uncle and brother).

I understand what you're saying about my husband not coming to a session.  Yes now I will not ask him anymore and wait a few months and then ask again.  My psych agrees that we need to concentrate on me for now and then work on both of us.

I'm glad you resolved the problem with your friend and that you're back on BB.

 Take care

Jo

[Jo3]

Hi Ja

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about your wife and that she is suffering depression. You sound like a very caring and supportive husband. Your wife is lucky to have you.  Sometimes people suffering depression say things that they don't really mean, i know i have said things that are totally out of my character.

You're right when you say these illnesses take a toll on the person and the family.  I am sure that my husband is angry at my parents because he knows how close i was to them and how much i did for them at a drop of a hat. But three years ago when i so needed their love and support i never got it. He hates seeing me cry and have panic attacks (for which i haven't had now for a while). And i know that i do snap a lot at him; maybe it's because he is the closest to me (as in my husband).

But i think he is having trouble dealing with it and all my issues.  So for now i will leave it for a few months and have my therapy on my own and then ask him again.

 Wishing you and your wife all the best.

Jo