Understanding Aspergers

Donut · ‎01-03-2016

I have a 28 year old son that I believe has some kind of mental illness. As a child he was always difficult to deal with. Tantrums etc. He also had delayed speech, did not interact with others well (and still does not have a lot of friends)and slower in development although quite bright with some things. At the time I took him to a some different specialists but never with any clear diagnosis. A family friend is a psychologist and thinks that he may be on the spectrum of aspergers. After I separated from his father about 15 years ago my ex-husband (who I left because of similar behavior traits) was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has been having ongoing treatment. My son appears to show signs of similar characteristics to his dad. What I am needing support with is to understand the way his mind may work (if it is aspergers) as I never seem to say the right thing and he is always quick tempered and this is also observed by his work colleagues. I really want to help him but I don,t know when or how to say the right thing. I do note that when he is really down he tends to communicate and ask advise but then he changes and I become the worst person in the world. At times I wont tolerate his behavior and I set my boundaries but this then follows with me feeling remorseful and desperate to help him. Just wondering if anyone has had a situation similar to mine and whether I should just back out of his life for a while but then I fell like I,m abandoning him. So confused as he only seems to see things in black and white and no in between and I have to think about everything I say to him.

blondguy · ‎01-03-2016

Hi Donut

Paul here and Welcome to the BB Forums

Thankyou for the Courage to post. I do understand where you are coming from. Being a wonderful and caring mum it would be difficult for you. I had similar traits to your son when I was in my 20's. Even though his father suffered from Bi-Polar your son doesn't mean you son has the same disorder.

I actually think you are a brilliant mum to your son Donut. I have read your post a few times you are doing everything you can in helping your son as well. I responded to a similar post today. Your situation is more common than you think. I see a great mum that is naturally frustrated with her son's situation.

You wrote and I quote "I do note that when he is really down he tends to communicate and ask advise".....Excellent and thankyou for the info Donut. What he is saying is "Mum I Love You and Need your Help"...when he is really down...and that is a huge sign of strength from your son....I wish I communicated as well as your son when I was his age...but I didnt....too much anger on my part.

The'quick temper' you mention is your son trying hard to be 'his own person' but also speaks a lot about a possibly low...(not very low...just a bit) level of self esteem. So when he is 'quick tempered' just walk away and if possible 'dont feed the fire' by engaging/feeding the fire' so to speak.Your son is being re-active not pro-active when he does this.

Its sometimes good that you wont 'tolerate' his behavior. Of course as a parent you have to draw the line in the sand if he is being offensive/yelling etc. If you wish Donut can you advise me re 'his behavior?' Just a couple of queries if thats okay...

* How is the quality of your son's sleep?

* Any yelling/swearing at you?

* You will never be abandoning your son by 'backing away' or If I may re-phrase that. What your son really wants more than anything right now is 'knowing you are there' for him..Even at 28 I was the same Donut..

* I seem to see people trying to put a 'tag' on various behavioral issues/problems/disorders...and thats ok because you are trying to understand and how to help your son..Right now..(from what you have written) it seems like he may need 'to know you are there' for him...You may even see an improvement in his confidence and self esteem if you do...(subject to what you mean by 'his behavior' )

I do hope you get back to us Donut...and thankyou for helping other people that can learn from your experience.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

soulful42 · ‎03-03-2016

Hi,

I completely understand, your situation sounds quite similar to mine. I (single parent of 20yrs) have a 21 yr old son and at the moment (and for the last three years) we are not getting on. Perhaps my son has some ADD qualities - he is somewhat impulsive, avoidant, has poor self awareness, is often irritable ( with me it seems like it's all the time),has poor time management and withhold information from me. I mostly seem to waver between walking on eggshells and then in my mind trying to be assertive to get him to do stuff (fix up his Uni course or even basics, like putting on a load of washing). I am depressed myself, which makes it really hard. I feel rejected by my son, because we used to have what I thought was quite a good relationship. I long to have a better relationship with him, but the pessimist in me feels that probably won't happen, at least not for a very long time. I feel exhausted. i feel really sad. I'm sorry that all I can offer is some empathy at the moment.

romantic_thi3f · ‎03-03-2016

Hi Donut,

Thanks for reaching out and I think it's great that you want to help and looking for advice. Asperger's is such a tricky condition in that it affects so much of our brain; how we function, communicate, play, move and learn. I think that getting a diagnosis for your son would be really helpful so that you can ensure that it is Asperger's.

My personal experience is that I've learned a lot about it through courses, but I also have family with it. I know that it can be quite difficult sometimes as people with Aspergers are not always able to effectively communicate their wants/needs, which can often lead to tantrums, yelling and disagreements. Like Blondguy said, a lot of his temper might just be him needing something or being frustrated at something he feels unable to control.

I do agree that it's okay to set boundaries; both for your own safety and self-care, but also so that your son understands what you need. It might be useful to get in some extra help, like from the psychologist, not only to determine the diagnosis but then to help him too. If he's frustrated with you, chances are he's frustrated with other people too - so knowing why this is happening and 'why his brain is different' can be really helpful.

I'd also recommend 'The curious incident of the dog in the night-time' by Mark Haddon. It's a fiction book which is based on the perspective of someone with Aspergers. It has been used in schools and universities to help teach people about understanding conditions and the perspective of this person. If you're not interested that's totally fine but I know from personal experience it has helped family/friends understand and get a better insight of what can't be communicated.

Hope this helps,

blondguy · ‎06-03-2016

Hi Donut

Just seeing how you are traveling...

We are here if you need us...if you wish to reply of course..

Paul

CMF · ‎10-03-2018

Hi all,

I realise this is an old thread but thought i would bring it back to life as i too am trying to understand the behaviour of someone who just does not seem to comprehend basic things. He is a 49 year old male, does not have any disability but still lives at home with his parents despite the have we have a child and his parents drive him mad- he can be extremely abusive to his mum, calling her names even in front of people at xmas lunch etc, cannot accept responsibility, blames everyone else for everything, cannot take the lead or make a decision, cannot commit to anything everything is 'we will see' unless he is trying to intimidate or undermine me, is verabally abusive for no good reason and the list goes on. I have 2 friends with children on the spectrum and both, at different times, have suggested he may be. I don't want to just label him for the sake of it but i am slowly trying to work out how to deal with him in a way he will understand because at the moment he does not understand anything. Example, he has been absent or in and out of our daughter life for 5 years, with various excuses. Now he has been taking her out on Sunday's, sometimes picking her up from school and having dinner with her at their (his parents) house. I need to get back to work and suggested I could work Sundays and he could look after her, got a flat no, he does not want to be committed as he works 5 days a week and wants a break. If i tell him we have something on on a Sunday he says not fair as it is his only day with her. All of a sudden he wants it all his way despite being a no show for the best part of 5 years. I have organised her b'day/easter, dinner with my family because if i wait for him i will be waiting till the day before. he tells me he has to check with his sister as she is organising theirs (there is only 4 of them, I have 15 to organise) and they may do dinner which they have done once in the 9 years i have known him. According to him they are starting to dinner. I pointed out he can check with whoe ever he wants but i have organised mine and i am not changing it. All he can say is ok we'll see, have to check with my sister. I don't think he understood. It is very frustrating and draining, harder than having a child in fact.