Two depressed people

hopelessness · ‎15-11-2015

My husband went to therapy without telling me for a period of time. He's hid it from me well and I didn't even notice things were wrong. I know he's been tired but when I asked him about it, he always said it was work. About a month ago, he told me that he's been depressed and he doesn't love me anymore. This threw me into a deep depression. We're still living together, me in the bedroom, him in the study. This is due to financial reasons as well as one of our dogs just had knee surgery and requires lots of extra care. My husband is a kind man and he's willing to do everything to help me get to a place where I can cope. He said he understands that I will cry and I will be sad and he knows I need to process. He's willing to give me time and care for me. But I am also very concern about him, worry about how my depression is doing to him. I know he's hurting when I cry as he feels responsible for causing this pain. I don't want to hurt him and he doesn't want to hurt me, but both of us depressed are not helping. He seems to be doing better as he's had more time to process. I'm still somewhat in shock. When I am crying, he can't help but reach out and hold me. I am conflicted because I still love him and wants him to hold me, but I'm so afraid that it is hurting him. I want to be able to self sooth but it's been difficulty as I tend to go to dark places. I know we both need to set some boundaries but I don't know how. It would be helpful if we can go to couple's counselling. However, he's refused. (We are both seeing someone individually.) It's just hard to know how to do this when neither one of us know how to do it. I know we are both in fragile states and I don't want to do anything that would push us in the wrong direction. How do we support each other without hurting each other?

pipsy · ‎16-11-2015

Oh dear. You're both in very 'dark' places. However, without knowing what's caused the depression, it's hard to know what to say. Do either of you have family support? Sometimes, although extended families do help, they can cause more problems. You're both on a bit of an emotional roller coaster, you're trying to support each other, but who's there for you and him. It's hard to be supportive to a partner because you don't want to hurt him anymore, at the same time, a counsellor can offer guidance because they're not emotionally involved. You are both seeing counsellors individually, you've suggested together, he's refused. Has the counselling helped? Are either of you on meds? Have you been in touch with Relationships Australia? They have excellent counsellors who would be able to set you some guidelines. No matter which way you go, because of the emotional attachment, there will be pain, however a counsellor can give you guidelines that will navigate the 'darkness' ahead. Try gently suggesting Relationships Australia.

hopelessness · ‎16-11-2015

Thanks pipsy.

We don't have family in Australia. His is in England, mine are in the US and Hong Kong. We have not told our family yet due to other complicated matters going on in my family. Frankly, family may not be very helpful in this situation.

He's had more time to process this and it's his decision. He's currently at a better place than me. He's able to go out and enjoy things. I've shut down socially. Not seeing any friends, can't even go on facebook. Apathy has taken over my life.

I will definitely keep Relationship Australia in mind. He's lost his trust in me as well. I know he questions my motivation in my actions. So I will need to see how to approach it.

pipsy · ‎17-11-2015

Hi there. I'm so sorry for both of you. As hard as it is, I think you may have to accept his decision, now. Maybe you should start looking for somewhere else to live. Take it slowly though. He hasn't told you to 'go now' but at the same time, I wouldn't 'drag' my feet. Can I ask why he's stopped trusting you? Has something significant happened? I think he does love you, but in his own way, and not the way you obviously need. Maybe once you have moved away, things might get better. Your depression is clouding your ability to process things clearly. Keep seeing your counsellor, they will help you sort things out till you can move. Try not be alone with him too much. This is counter-productive to you. It must be very confusing for you when you cry and he hugs you. I would try and avoid this situation, there is nothing worse than being hugged for the 'wrong' reason. In your mind, when he hugs you, it's harder for you. He's trying to be kind, but it's not kind to be hugged by someone you love, when they don't return the feeling. You need time away from him to sort yourself out. Sorry if that hurts, but the longer you remain, the harder it will get.

BB is always here.

hopelessness · ‎18-11-2015

The problem is that nothing significant happened. We're doing what we've been doing up to that morning he told me. I'm not going yet because one of the dogs is recovering from knee surgery and needs us to keep an eye on her until she heals. I'm also waiting for an overseas opportunity. I should find out next week if I'll be successful or not. We've agreed to stay together at least till the end of this year so we can plan. The last thing we need is to stretched us financially, creating even more stress.

I think he's always have some trust issues with me. He thinks I'm manipulative to get my ways. I can be that way sometimes.

Chicken_Wings · ‎21-11-2015

My experience with my own divorce was similar. My partner declared to me one day that he was ready to love someone else. I was devastated and didn't know what to do. But we also had financial issues that meant we couldn't make a clean break. I also have no family in Australia and felt pretty alone.

Looking back, it was the time we spent trying to support each other that actually made it harder. I know this might be difficult to hear because you still love him and he clearly still cares enough to want to look after you. But in your concern that his comforting you is making it harder on him you're forgetting that it might also be making it harder for you too.

You may require to still be together, but I honestly think that the more you can find a support person other than each other, the easier it will be for both of you in the long run. When you would normally cry and let him comfort you, instead, call someone and ask them to be your shoulder. Talk to a Beyond Blue Counselor, even just on the online chat. Get some tips and tools from them on what to do when you feel the most upset.

Try to break some of the habits you associate with being a couple. Cooking dinner together, that sort of thing. It's also important you let your friends be there for you. Let them know to keep inviting you to things, even if you say no 9 times out of 10. Just knowing your presence is wanted is good for you. And if you feel bad for not going to things, just remember, it doesn't matter if you fall down 9 times, as long as you get up 10.

Also have you been to see your GP?
Even if its just for a little while, medication might help you break through to the next phase of dealing with what you are going through.

hopelessness · ‎22-11-2015

Deep down, I know I need to let go. I know that is the right thing to do. I try to cry when he's not around. I try to self sooth as much as I can.

I will probably see my GP after the next time I see my psychologist. I'll talk to her and see what she thinks about medication.